I'm Sad Today
I'm feeling sorry for myself today and for the past few days, ok, maybe weeks. I'm tired, and lonely and just need somebody to hold me. Somebody I care about as much as they care about me. Somebody that will be ok for me to cry on. ANd boy do I need a good cry, Not just theese little cries I cry alone at night or in the car. I need to totally let go and cry, hit scream, pout, yell and anything else to get it out.
I love the holidays but hate them at the same time. I love them because it's a time where all your friends and family should get together and celibrate. For me it's not really like that. It's as if i'm a 3rd wheel. My family is not around and my friends do their things and it makes me feel as if I'm a friend but not a friend that they would invote over or do things with. So, all of this stuff goes threw my head at the holidays. Makes me feel alone. I could throw myself into my job, but that's not worth it because of issues. When I stay busy I don't think about it. Ok that's good, I can't get as moopy. Except I can't always stay busy. Like right now I'm recoping from passing out at work the other day. So, I get to take it easy and think. Bad thing thinking. Thinking that I'm the only one taking care of me. Thinking that if I hadn't passed out in front of somebody it probably would have been a bit before somebody found me. Thinking how alone I am. Thinking that I have nobody who will hold me, touch me, get me a glass of water, somebody to say "hey don't go to work today".....and such.
I was reading an article the other day saying how women need more physical contact for emotional security than men do. i so totally believe that. I think it's finially caoght up with me. Years of not being held, not being touched, not being told is beautifull or preety or smart, not just being reassured that what I am thinking is ok. A hug means so much, but even more when it's from somebody you love also.
I'm drained, emotionally and physically. I need to be protected I can not keep it up much longer on my own. I feel like I am surrounded by more negative people than positive people and they are sapping my energy and I don't have the strength to take it back or keep them from taking it. I need some strength and support. I really need a hug. I need some encouragment. I know I'll feel better after the holidays are done, but that's still another month and then a little. I wish my holidays could be joyious again. I hate putting up a front but when I don't I just push people away becasue they don't like seeing me down and they don't know how to handle that.
You know they say that when somebody picks on you it means the like you. Ok, I believe that most of the time, but, sometimes I don't need or want to be picked on and want to be comforted and told I'm sorry, or can I help and such. Like I said above I passed out at work the other night and mostly got picked on for it. How about a little concern people. How about saying "Is there something I can do for you?" How about saying "Let me get that for you." No, instead I get picked on. I am surrounded by adults that act like little children and think mostly of themselves.
Like I said in the title I'm sad today....and just venting because I don't have anybody that I feel comfortable to vent to, because when I try they make me feel stupid for feeling the way I do. Thanks for reading