Seeking Help

Due to psychological deprivation and/or abuse I have been forced to manage my life more or less on my own. I have not felt ready or able to cope/deal with life without a good parental relationship, not to mind actually having a reasonable chance to develop and grow in a healthy way including being able to realise my potential in various ways. As a result, I have just managed to survive my life by forcing myself to adopt the identity that I thought was expected of me. It was more or less all a pretense on my part, just to get by in life, to survive, all the while I was holding onto the only safe state/identity I knew, i.e. me as a child of say about 10 or 11 years of age. It seems I was ageing chronologically even if I was not ageing/developing/growing psychologically/emotionally. People seem to perceive me based on how old I appear to them to be physically but since in my mind and heart I am continuing to be stuck at the age of e.g. 10 years, then things have gotten even more difficult over time, as e.g. it is easier for a ten year old to pass for and eleven year old than it is for him to pass for a fifteen year old or for a thirty year old. I have come to the point where I can hardly manage at all to pass myself for whatever my chronological age is, even if I have in ways got good at doing this. I have basically not been able to take any pleasure from life, not been able to engage in life in a meaningful way, not find satisfaction in anything other than the basic pleasures of eating, sleeping etc., not been able to have any friends. It is only over time that I have begun to understand what has happened to me and why. I don't want and feel so unable to carry on like this. More than anything I want and need to belong to someone with whom I can be/feel accepted for the child (boy) that I am. I long for a safe and loving environment, this being necessary for me to find life and healing and in which I can grow. I want so much to have a chance at life, and have hopes for many things. Ideally I really need a mam and a dad but even just a mother would be incalculably better than nothing. Words can't express really how it has been and how it is for me but the above is a shot at it at least. Thank you for reading.
seansplace seansplace
41-45, M
Jan 14, 2013