It Wasn't Supposed To Turn Out Like This...

I had my life plan figured out and I had no doubt I'd make it. That I'd shape my future just the way I wanted to. I've always succeeded in everything I've ever decided to do. I've never failed in anything, 'cause I've always done whatever it took to reach my goals. I always put my achievements before my well-being.

It had a price though: My mental health has always been... unstable. I was 8 the first time I thought of suicide. Since then depressive episodes kept rolling along. It was about that time I developed my eating disorder - as a way to handle the anxiety. At 12 I began cutting as a way to handle all the pain. About the same age my eating disorder got more serious. At 13 I experienced my first panic attack and at 14 my first hypo mania (even though I didn't know it at the time being). There were a lot of things going on around me as well, but I didn't let anything slow me down.

This autumn I broke down totally and I finally asked for help. I haven't been to school since October, I've spent 3 months at a mental hospital, I've tried to kill myself, I've been diagnosed Bipolar 2, my eating disorder and self-harming have been out of control, I've met the crappiest doctors and councillors ever and it's just been a mess.

Sure now I've got the best therapist and doctors ever. I'm in DBT. I'm on meds. I got a summer job and have been working for a month. I've got some of my friends back. I haven't self-harmed for 5 months. Everything seems just fine...

It's just that I hate myself for wasting a whole year of my life. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. Life seems so meaning less now: why bother when I've already failed? That isn't like me though. I'm a fighter: always been, always will be. I know that I won't give up, that I'll do the best of this and use these experiences for something good. I know that I'll find a new life plan that I'll reach. I just hate that it turned out like this...
astrongheart astrongheart
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 10, 2012

Not succeeding is not failing - it' just a first failed attempt. You only fail if you stop trying. I know, very cliche but true. I am 52 years old and I have entire busy years of accomplishment that I don't remember! My mantra: we are where we are; what do we do from HERE? The only place the past exists is in your head. Replace each thought when it comes up with a positive new one. In no time, you will train your brain to stay away from things you can't change and get it it focus on a future you can create.

But you can't dwell on what's behind you. Baby keep moving keep reaching out keep going. You deserve to keep pushing yourself to meet your goals and when you meet them reward yourself with lots of praise. You can do it! My life isn't where I thought it would be, but just because I'm not following my own path doesn't mean I am failing. Same goes for you baby, every morning I want you to tell yourself I feel HAPPY! I feel HEALTHY! I feel TERRIFIC! Even if you don't, you say it until you feel it. This is what my chiropractor taught me, and he was diagnosed bipolar and has been healed of it once his spine was in the right position. You just keep in mind where you want to be one day and you will get there. Stay FAR away from drugs (those with bipolar always have a harder time with this and alcohol and yes drinking too much wine can make you an alcoholic too) and when you want to cut write a list of all the things you could do instead that are healthy and promote happiness. Hugs baby, I've been there, and I'm finally fighting for myself. I had to reach rock bottom to get here but I am finally working steadily upwards. And remember recovery (from anything) is not a straight shoot upwards it's a gradual rocking of ups and downs and as you get closer to the top your downward falls get shorter and shorter.