No Clue What To Do With This Life

I recently turned 27; I have accomplished a fair deal on the academic side. I have my masters degree and I have been an attorney for about 5 years. The only problem is that I have hated almost every minute of those five years, with my hatred intensifying each day that passed. I am not a people person so I virtually end up hating my clients. There is so much back-biting and wickedness in the profession that I also hate my colleagues and keep distance between me and them. No one seems to understand; everyone thinks that it is a "good' job/career and that I should just suck it up I guess. But who feels it knows it.

While I was studying, I was told that having a law degree opens so many doors for you; this is false. Where I am from it shuts many doors as no one wants to hire a lawyer to do anything apart from law which I positively do not want to do. I recently quit my job having reached my breaking point and I have been applying like crazy for jobs locally (suffering the shame in this small island of being rejected or ignored for these jobs), regionally and abroad but with no luck. Although I would be willing to move/work/live anywhere and I desperately want to escape from this myopic country, I am encountering it seems insurmountable immigration obstacles. Not to mention financial hurdles as well as I sit and watch my few pennies dwindle.
I have thought about just packing up and getting on a plane to go anywhere but I can't even decide on where and I am racked with the fear of just meeting even greater failure wherever I choose to go. But perhaps that risk is greater than simply staying in a country where I don't want to be feeling trapped. I don't know; I don't seem to know much of anything right now really.

With every day that passes I seriously lose hope. I have had many people tell me that I am destined for great things and that I will be prosperous; where is this prophesied prosperity while I die inside each day? I have also had close (ish) calls with death and at the time, I convinced myself that I was saved so that I could step into this wonderful happier life ahead of me. Now, I am almost convinced that I was 'saved to suffer' in this life. Most days I can't even muster up the energy to be fully sad; I am just more listless and hopeless. A mere cracked shell of the person I once was and with nothing to look forward to and no hope to keep me going. I just don't know what to do and don't know if I have the energy to do 'it' even if I found out what I should do.
Nel7771 Nel7771
4 Responses Aug 14, 2012

Thank you all so much for your support and understanding; it's a bit easier knowing that some people understand it from my point of view especially as I don't have any of that even willingness to try to understand from my direct circle or family/friends. I really wish it were not also the same/similar for any of you though as I would not wish the state of being on anyone. I hope we all get to escape/get better circumstances very soon.Update: I travelled abroad for a few weeks to try avenues there (failed) and to clear my head (also failed as was too worried to really even relax and spent many mornings and nights crying). I came back and moved back in with my parents which gives me a constant feeling of having regressed to a 10 year old and I'm very embarrassed about this. But I started a distance course, sold my vehicle and will be trying to go away to do an exam to give me an "in" into another field; the material is busting my balls far more than I ever imagined though so it's very rough but I am trying to stick it out. Also still job hunting in the meantime and getting rejections or worse the silence. Also tried some scholarships and I'm waiting to hear about them. I really have no clue what this upcoming year holds for me and I am terrified to be honest but I will be able to say that I really did try and hope that something gives. I have not ruled out anything though, including some form of pr*stitution as desperate times call for desperate measures. Also, I know that I am not guaranteed a job after and so while I am using the proceeds from selling my vehicle, I am still desperate enough to consider pr*stitution as a method in advance so I can at least 'make back' whatever I spend trying to study more so that if nothing pans out I will not be in an even worse financial situation. It's one thing to say to just try and "hope" after but I know that hope hasn;t gotten me anywhere really and so I'd rather be proactive about it rather than waiting until I literally HAVE to turn to that to even buy water. It probably seems very drastic but as I see my last monies in the entire world dwindling while I just 'try' something with no sort of guarantee etc, I must do something. And I would also be able to do it when I am away 'easier' I guess.

I am almost 60 years old, and have struggled with depression for several years - at least admitted depression. I am not on drugs to treat it...I am trying my best to cope and move forward. I am in a career that I hate - computer programming. I became a programmer almost 20 years ago because I was tired of being poor, and needed to raise my children. Much of my life has been spent with regret and wishing I could do something different. I wasn't living in the joyful moments with my kids like I should have been. I have learned to do that now. But, I work for the government and really need to make that break. Don't have the courage at this moment - and, I got myself back into debt after selling a house (after 20 years) and then purchasing another one a few years later. I need to take some time and envision myself doing something else, and possibly walking away from the mortgage. The stress is awful. I empathize with you, and envy your youth and insight into what it is you don't want. That is half the battle they say - now to figure out what you do want. Wish I could give some words of wisdom, other than to encourage you to find your passion and follow it. Something I hope I have the courage to do.

I just want to say that I understand what it's like to have a "good" job and be miserable. If I complain at all about my life , people think I'm ungrateful or ridiculous, but unless you've been at the the top you couldn't possibly understand what it's like to " have it all" and wonder if this is all there is to life. I hope you find the peace you seek.

Thanks icanthereyou. Thanks for the reply; I know exactly how it seems from the outside. I actually cannot retire anywhere near 40; that's not my reality; it's not as big bucks or glamorous as it seems and I probably have less disposable income than many others. If I were allowed to migrate, I would take up your suggested alternatives. We all need someone to love also and no one ever says you should just feel lucky to have a partner even if same partner drives you crazy and you really hate him/her. I don't think I am willing to be in the 90% just barely making it through life doing what they hate; if that is life than I definitely want out and at this rate I will probably opt out sooner.<br />
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The clients actually also deserve a representative who does not have to stifle thoughts of strangling/slapping them and who actually gives a **** about them. I no longer do at all. I did not up one day and decide this; it has been serious TORMENT that I suppose no one else can understand.<br />
I think how you feel about what you do is more important on some level than what you do. I am sure if I were a hooker complaining about hating my job I would get lots of support to 'get out' but because the law life looks and sounds good, everyone will think my sanity is no price to pay to keep up the facade. I can't.<br />
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I really didn't post this for any sympathy; I don't even know what this site is about--found it on a google search. But I am literally at my wits end and I am accepting the possibility of death by starvation or other means.