I married young (21) and had two babies. Up until that point I had been pretty upwardly mobile and independent. Achieving every goal I had set fourth; big or small. I was happy with life and myself. It didn't long take for the marriage long to go south. Approximately three or four monts. I became overwhelmed and depressed and have been that way every since. I hate my job and my life. The job market is terrible so I can't quit yet every day I'm on the verge of getting fired. Adding the fact that I carry the family on my insurance. Getting a divorce is complicated, costly, inconvenient, and above all permenant. My children love thier father and he is very good to them. I feel like I can't move forward. I need a new life but I have no control over my own. I'm just stuck being unhappy. This is crazy. I'm not even 25 and it feels like my life is over.

StuckSimply StuckSimply
6 Responses Aug 19, 2009

be patient. <br />
talk to him. <br />
tell him everything: how you feel, what your fears are, what you expect from him. <br />
don't follow the mistake of the most: communicate before it gets too late. <br />
you'll see: it's worth a try. <br />
in Europe women would be envy of you, they get their first child mostly in their 30's. <br />
your kids are going to be your best friends, not you own 'grandchildren'. <br />
but make sure you sort things out with your man. <br />
he is a lucky son of a gun and should be so happy having you and the family. <br />
most don't have that!

I believe that words such as "typical", "normal", and "common" are words of weakness. They provide a crutch for the unwilling. In fact they are words that my husband has often used in his defense. He has told me, point-blank, that there are things I want him to do that he just won't. No matter how happy it will make me because it wouldn't make HIM happy. My husband leads a single life style. Work during the week; party during the weekend. Come home from work and relax. I have to get after him like he's my son which only makes matters worst. I believe if you truly respect and love someone than you're willing to change for them. I know he loves me but I don't feel that love. I have a void in my life. My biggest fear is that I'll leave him and once I do that he'll change. He'll then become the person I've always wanted him to be. He'll become the great man for someone else instead of for me............

Sounds like you have a Bruce Willis or Clint Eastwood for a husband. Men who have been scripted since childhood to follow the independent classic male dominate role (that John Wayne helped set). Proud, dominate, want sex and then leave them alone types. They can talk and give information but can't emotionally communicate. This is what you are facing....and remember you chose saw none of this coming when you dated him? was he emotional communicative then or just a lot of kissing maybe as communication....see kissing is physical and men are physical with not much emotion. If emotion is what you are craving out of a man then the next man will dissapoint you too unless you get a John Denver Type (he is dead by the way). Emotional men will upset you in time because they will lean on you instead of you leaning on them. Be careful what you wish for because you may get it and you may not like it after you do. I really do wish you the best of luck and hope you wake up and see you just have a typical American Male there. He won't change and neither will the next male you get. Males have been scripted by the movies to be that way from childhood.

No, you can't change him but have you laid it out to him like that before? My husband and I had a similar talk a couple years back because I felt I had been relegated far, far back behind work, behind other friends, behind etc. I wanted him to be a family first kind of guy, you know, like he said he was he just wasn't doing it.I was surprised at how radically different our views of what family first means. I just reread what I wrote and I'm sounding a bit preachy--sorry for that. I really have no right to - we haven't sorted anything out yet ourselves but I think we can and we're working on it.As for the romance, I feel your pain, sweetheart. But that too though, I think you can have if you're willing to go out on a limb a little bit. He may come around.<br />
<br />
My point is essentially this, do you still want the marriage and if so, are you willing to fight for it?

I want what I can't have. I want my husband to grow up, take responsibility for his actions, put me first, and be romantic. But I can't change him so I feel forced to leave him and nobody wants to do something that they are forced to.

Yuck. That's a lot to have on your plate, at any age. I can empathize to an extent. I didn't get married and have children until I was 29 but our trajectory otherwise followed a very similar path. Simply put, StuckSimply, I got lost. I got busy doing everything but living my own life. <br />
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At this point, I think the only rational thing to do is start trying to sort it out. First thing's first, what do you want?