Emotional Affairs

I recently found out that my spouse was having an emotional affair.


SInce I was 14 I imagined this point of my life differently than how it has turned out.

Granted this relationship started out rocky- but I have also put allot of work into it- almost all of me. In fact I have lost myself along the way. I have been through other hard times in my relationship- but this time, it really got to me. Like pieces of me are missing now.

We are still together and I am trying to forgive and my spouse claims to be over it- but I feel like I am condemned to a loveless life.

I have a great family. I am a Christian so I trust in my Savior. But the one thing I have wanted so badly- is the one thing I seem to be the biggest failure at. I didn't think I was down- but I am so tired, I crave sweets--when I think about it, which I try not to do, I just can't figure it out or understand it.

I just feel like I have no idea where to pick up from here.


Now the spouse is obsessed with something else- it just makes me feel as if I am so unbelievably horrible that anything is better than me. I have tried to better myself in so many ways- even to be things that I am not- but nothing seems to help.

I like me.

Oddly, I am a very positive person, which is why I think I have stayed so long- but this is just like living in a shell of me- like I stepped on a bomb and all I hear is ringing in my ears.

This is the one thing I can do. The one thing I have always done.


SoniFrost SoniFrost
4 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Things are slowly getting better between us. But what I think it did for me is kick me into a nasty reality of who I am and what I am doing and where I am going. He had the affair with a woman the same age as me- with 2 more children then me with less education then me--I know I sound snobbish but my point is- I am not an ugly woman, I am educated, I am handy and practical- I keep in shape -- I do have faults yes I do- but it all just makes me feel so irrelevant. When I think of myself on my own- I think I could get a good job- but I feel used up and I feel like no one would ever want me- like he could be a jerk, hurt me, leave me, and find someone new the next day-- all of this just sort of made me feel lost and invisible--- don't get me wrong I trust in God- but you know- humanly speaking sometimes we need that "touch" sometimes we need to feel wanted and accepted by other people- to know we are going to grow old with someone-- at this point I don't know anything--

You are good enough. You need to keep reassuring yourself. You are a good person. Your husbands affair whether emotional or physical should not define you. You are still the person you were before it happened. It is now that you are realizing how much you have given and not been given what you should have back. Poor choices in the past should not come back into the future. Everyone has errors in judgement. It is not a complete mistake though until you decide not to fix it or learn from it. Have you tried to talk to your husband about how you are feeling? Does he know how unhappy he has made you? Keep your chin up. We all have flaws. Accepting another persons flaws is what true friendship is about.

I guess it is because I feel like originally I made poor choices and now I am paying the piper. I think it is also because I have never felt good enough to be that important to someone and this happening only confirms those feelings. I am not completely happy with myself but basically not happy with the fact that I was so stubborn-- and I willingly walked into a hopeless situation thinking it would get better only to feel like a failure and now not knowing what to do.

Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? You should never try to be someone you are not. You say you are happy with who you are. Are you though? I think if you were happy with who you are, you would not compromise yourself the way you have over the years. It was not you that had the affair. You can blame yourself but really what more could have you done?