Can I Be Fixed?

I have tried to post my problems on the confessions area.  There are so many mean narrow minded people on here.  I am hoping to get help with what I have done from people who want to help, not people who want to make me feel worse than I already do. 

I had a fling.  I am calling it a fling because there was no emotional attachment to the other person.  I have hurt my husband so badly.  I feel horrible.  I wish I could take it back, but the damage is done.  We are trying to work through it.  I can't help feeling sick to my stomache still.  I have been doing a lot of self examinations.  Thinking back through my life.  I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid of success.  I go out of my way to fail at everything.  For some reason I have put it in my head that I do not deserve to suceed.  When I say succeed I mean at anything.  I had a good marraige, I cheated so I would fail.  I use to be almost anal about the housework...now I do not do it at all the kids or hubby does it.  I dropped out of high school my senior year, but went back the following year to get my diploma. 

I am one messed up confused person.

TessaMarie TessaMarie
36-40, F
4 Responses Feb 26, 2010

TessaMarie-<br />
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I can attest to the fact I have been down to the bottom and back and things are still getting better and I will say I know it has been from the Lord's doing. I know so many people seem to hate Jesus now, and so many Christians have given Christianity a bad name- but the love of Jesus is so real and true- humans will always fail us but He will not- and even though everything seems so wrong now- He has a plan, for all of us and one day all this hurting will end.<br />
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I am sorry that things were hard growing up and it is so sad how parents can really destroy their children and I pray that eventually you will find the peace you seek and that you will receive healing and your joy will be restored to you.<br />
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It has taken me so long- but I had to learn my identity is in no one and nothing else than Jesus Christ- I wished I would have understood that so much sooner- but sometimes I am thankful for these hard times because they have made me better and strive to be better and most importantly to rely on my Savior.<br />
<br />
If you feel you need medication but can't afford it-- one really good way or safe way is through special herbs and vitamins. There is a company called Natures Sunshine and they have an assessment you can take and they recommend vitamins you can take. I take two types of vitamins from them- I have anxiety, for no reason sometimes so I take a vitamin called Nutracalm and it works wonderfully for me-- but they also have other vitamins to help boost mood and so on- it may be more affordable.<br />
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Also- I wanted to share this passage with you. It is a great comfort to me in times of trouble. Please know Jesus does not condemn you- he wants you to run to him- to his open arms and know HE loves you and HE can give you the love and assurance you need like no other. God Bless- Here is a virtual hug from me--((HUG))<br />
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Psalms.23<br />
[1] The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.<br />
[2] He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.<br />
[3] He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.<br />
[4] Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.<br />
[5] Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.<br />
[6] Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Tessa,<br />
<br />
Self sabotage is always a possibility. It really would not be the first time someone threw that has happened. Remember to give yourself a little slack. No beating yourself up. Good luck with the counselor. I'll check in on you later.<br />
<br />
Regards,<br />
One of the nice guys...

I get to go see a counselor on Tuesday. I had an abusive father and an alcoholic mother. I have been battling depression for at least six years. We do not have health insurance so for me to get meds I think I need would be expensive.<br />
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My fling was sexual, but not the reason I had started it. I have gained twenty pounds since my husband and I were married. I feel very unattractive. It was nice to feel desired again. He gave me the acceptance that my self esteem needed. I never asked the other person for anything in return. <br />
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Don't get me wrong, my husband has never had anything negative about my looks. He is the most wonderful and unselfish person I have ever met. To see how much I have hurt him makes me sick still. He loves me unconditionally. <br />
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We are going to start going back to church again. We have not been to church in so long. I really feel the need to get Jesus back into our lives. <br />
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Thanks for listening.

What is your earliest recollection of success?<br />
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Who told you, you were not good enough (maybe not in those words)? (For example- did you have a parent always ask you, "What is wrong with you?" or maybe they said, "No one in our family is successful .." etc... or maybe one or both of your parents had low self-esteem?<br />
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You are not messed up. It is human nature ...<br />
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When you say you had a fling but it was not emotional ... do you mean it was sexual?<br />
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If it was only physical can you tell what you were hoping to gain from it? (although I know you said you were indirectly sabotaging your marriage- were you also hoping to gain something)<br />
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When you did it, did you feel guilty? <br />
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Your current emotion or that feeling sick is a good thing because it shows you are repentant versus only remorseful-- now you are going to have to try and figure out what will keep you from doing it again.<br />
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Have you thought about counseling? Is there any possibility it is about control or about sex alone? A sex addict will also suffer this sort of problem-- it is similar to a need for a drug- if that is not it then emotionally it is important to get to the bottom of things- a good counselor could help.