I Dont Even Know How To Describe How Im Feeling

I don't feel any sense of security at all. At home, both my sisters are having eating disorders and my parents focus a lot of attention on my elder sister. which means that i am left to be bullied by my younger sister. in school, well, i have no school. i have just graduated and i cannot move on to junior college because my elder sister is there. and well, u can say that i am not on good terms with her at all, because of our childhood. and my friends? one of them is angry with me, and i feel like a very very lousy friend. because i cant even organise such a simple birthday party for one of my best friends. my other friends in our gang tried consoling me by saying that our gang is too big (we have 7 members in total) so it is very hard to find a date where all of us can be free. but i feel that because we have celebrated everyone's bday together, this time, we cannot make one of my best friend feel neglected.
my whole world has been coming apart ever since my elder sister bullied me when we were young. and i have had many emotional breakdowns ever since. this is the time when i can suddenly feel it all. it is as though the anesthesia that i have put into myself is wearing out. and i can suddenly feel it. that my heart really hurts.
bluegloom bluegloom
18-21
Dec 9, 2012