The More Grown-up I Get, The Emptier I Feel

I am 23 and turning 24 in a few months. I come from a childhood and adolescence with sad memories of rejections and the failure to make friends... since university my personality had slowly changed and I've turned into a much happier and more optimistic person... and since working I learned how to handle different things and people, and coping with the real world...

the strange thing is, the more mature and grown-up I become, the lonelier and emptier I get... when I put up a happy and cheerful face at work, I know I don't mean it... people tell you you should earn more, buy a house, get married, gain security in life, invest etc, but it sounds meaningless to me.. I am not unhapppy - I love my fds, my family, shopping and the pleasures of life, and I love how I'm pretty outgoing and comfortable with myself.. in fact I have never liked myself more.. (i used to hate myself) and this is possibly the time of my life... but once in a while I find myself questioning: how is it that I'm becoming happier, and sadder at the same time? does anyone out there understand this feeling???

is it true that adult life is tasteless and many ppl are feeling as souless and I am?
grgrgr grgrgr
22-25, F
3 Responses Jul 13, 2010

i am currently feeling something just like yourself. my feeling is like a stone keep sinking down deeper into the sea

I'm 24 and i feel alot like you do.<br />
I had a difficult childhood with a physically and emotionally abusive father. I found it difficult to make friends and was bullied at school, i was fat and alone and a self harmer who kept my feelings to myself.<br />
I went to university and grew up alot, made new friends and came out my shell a bit, i found work and a boyfriend and life is going well but i still feel really sad alot of the time, i'm haunted by my past and still feel the lonliness i felt then even when there are alot of people around. People look at me and think that i am happy and doing okay for myself, ive lost 5 stone and i'm independent and hard working, i have friends and i'm closer to my family, even my dad but I still think of myself as fat, ugly and useless like i was told as a child, i still put on a front at work and with my friends, i still keep my problems to myself or only share them with my boyfriend.<br />
Life isn't what i thought it would be and its complicated, confusing and hard.<br />
I think i'm getting there tho and if i keep trying i'll be okay, you will too.

23-24 is an "in between" place in life. You've finally dealt with growing up, but you're in transition - new career, probably new relationships or hoping for one, but you haven't settled down and established your own family yet. It's a time of discovery and exploration, but also comes with a certain sense of superficiality. Nothing is quite permanent. You probably wont' be at the same job forever, the friends you have now might or might not be around in ten or twenty years. Growing up is not soulless at all - but I guess it looks that way from the outside sometimes. In a few years, or maybe a lot of years, you'll probably get married and have kids and you won't feel soulless then.