Midlife Transition

I was with my husband for 20 happy years and then as he approached age 40, he lost his ability to be a decent human being. His midlife crisis involved cheating, lying, and generally becoming the opposite of everything he had been previously. He re-created his life, and his new life does not include me. It's been quite a roller coaster and means that life as I knew it is over in every way. I was a stay-at-home-mom to our 2 little kids. Now I'm in school and trying to find a way to support myself and the kids.

Along the way, I've had the support of many friends and neighbors and I am thankful. But the thing is... he was my best friend, he was my confidante, he was the one who always had my back. I always wanted a girlfriend who I really clicked with, but I never found that person in my life... my girlfriends are great, but the relationships are all a bit superficial, even those that have lasted for decades. I know my friends all have their own circle of close friends and/or a best friend... I am one of those tangential friends you meet every couple months for lunch or a movie.

I have a good friend who really has stood by me and supported me through the loss of my marriage, and though I love her and value her friendship, we are very, very different people with different interests. She is a scientist, extremely brainy and hard-working. I am a writer with more artsy interests and liberal viewpoints. She's been supportive of me, but I realize that we share very little in common, really.

Lately, I've noticed she is a little stand-offish with me, maybe tired of my venting about my situation or just busy with her own world... she has a number of challenges in her life. But I can't help feeling like her support for me is fading and she's lost interest in my situation... which I understand. She has really been a rock for me, and maybe it's time for me to just move on.

Which brings me to why I'm posting here. I just really wish I had that One Good Friend who I could trust with any information and who I knew would care about me no matter what and who shared interests with me and wanted to spend time with me. I thought I had that in my marriage, but it's gone now, and even when I had it in my marriage, I wanted that kind of connection with a good girl friend... someone who I could just spill to about anything and vice versa and we'd be there for each other through thick and thin.

I am in my mid 40s now, and I have always wanted this kind of friendship and it has never materialized for me. I've had moments of thinking I had it and then those friends let me down in big ways or just distanced. I don't mean that I want to be a parasite on anyone or overly-clingy.... I don't think that's it at all, but I would like to have a long-term friendship with a girlfriend who likes to do the same things as me. It was never the same with my husband, as even though we were best friends for 20 years, I always knew he didn't want to go to art show openings with me or other "girl things." And I didn't want to sit in sports bars watching games for hours on end. So while we were very close, I wanted something different from a girlfriend.

And I've never found that. Like I said, I have lots of friends. I have one group who meets for brunch every couple months and we go to movies and we read books and talk about them... we've been friends for almost 25 years and they're great, but I know each of them has their own best friends, and people they travel with and share more intimate friendships with. I have a friend whose son is friends with my son and we have much in common, arts, plays, movies, etc... but she works full time and travels extensively for her job and has out-of-town family that visits often and she just doesn't seem to have time or inclination to hang out with me more, and other than inviting her to things, I try not to be clingy with her... I would really just like someone to hang out with more, who gets me.

I have given up on men. My marriage was the best, and I loved my husband with all my heart, and the fact that he changed so much and that this kind of thing was possible... I have no interest in putting myself out there again. I can't do this kind of pain again, and now I have to focus on supporting myself and my kids. I just wish someone seemed to care about me. Really care.
wantafriendnow wantafriendnow
May 5, 2012