I'm Just....scared.....and I Can't Explain It To Anyone, So Here Is This....i'm Writing This

Right now, I'm kind of a mess, shaking, not crying for now luckily.

Ever since I started the process of knowing and signing things to move on and sell my moms house. I've been a wreck. I'm normally sensitive, because it's hard for me to trust. But i'm like constantly crying now. Literally I haven't went one day without crying in like two weeks. I feel like I'm always on edge. Like bad.
I guess I'm letting go and being forced to deal with my moms death, I don't know. Maybe to deal with my past as well. It's the only thing that makes sense. I've held back so much all my life that it's all coming out in big heaps now. and the only reason I even say this, is because every little thing makes me cry. Someone blocked me, and I'm crying, that tells you all you need to know.
Being alone hasn't helped all this. I've pushed plenty of guys away just here on ep. They say they still like me, but things have changed I can feel it. I'm not a total idiot. I've went pretty far in the bitchy stuff, and a lot are gone because of it. Plus... I'm an *******, and I'm being forced to face it. I seen my neighbor outside today. He was sick, but me and my awkward creepy ****, scared him away from even bothering being a friend. It's hard looking at him. I know I acted like a moron and staring was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to speak, so I stared, and look where it got me.
After my mom died... I became detached I guess. because now she's in my dreams, and everytime I think about the house of the holidays I end up in tears. I miss her. I miss her voice and smile and hugs. I miss watching movies with her or tv shows. I'll never have her back and it hurts so ******* bad. Like i didn't feel this way at her funeral. I'm hurting so much right now. It's unbearable most days. and my dad will never be in my life, and it's sinking in massively. My anger has just disappeared well, went down... and all I feel now is the sadness and ******* abandonment, and pain, knowing I'll never have a real father, ever. And my blood relatives, for the most part, I don't care, but the ones I did care about....That betrayal is starting to set in and hurt like hell as well.
I'm being forced to see my ****** up flaws. I can't hide the fact that I can be a *****, and that I hurt people, and sometimes it has been on purpose because I was in pain and was being a vindictive **** and decided to hurt them as well. Hurting people seems to be a thing I do a lot of. Letting myself trust.... and be vulnerable doesn't settle well, so my tough side comes out and I push people away.
I flat out ******* hurt people. Plain and simple.
But something I also want to just get out of my system. Is the fact that i'm alone. Granted I know a lot of it is my fault. But people tell me all these great things about me, but I'm alone. Then some say it, but don't want anything more than a friendship with me. And it hurts and confuses me. Then... the best friends uncle who I've been obsessing over. I thought and still feel like the attraction was mutual. But he's back home now and I feel like I blew it. And I've been giving myself **** for it, plus he was so much fun to be around, he's smart and just ******* hilarious. Not to mention nice to look at :P But who knows when I'll see him again....... All I want is for something normal. Tangible. I want to find someone who likes me. Someone who cares about me. Someone who will wait. No sex in the beginning, I want to wait. and I want it to mean something. and half the time, I don't know if that's even an option, but it's what I want. I want to feel like I'm someones number one. I want to feel loved I guess is what I'm getting at. So sick of feeling worthless and ashamed of who I am.
I live in Virginia as well. and the peeps I live with. well we've been talking about moving for freaking ever now. Considered NC, but as much as I'd rather stay in denial about this... It was because I had an attachment to VA, to a guy as well... One I would never be with lol But once I started letting go.... I realized I want to be far away from Va, and I want to move asap most of the time. And believe me when I say, admitting that, and wanting to move on, has been hard on me in general. I'm just sick, of feeling stuck.
Not to mention that two of the people I liked to speak with here left, and now another is going to be leaving EP. and then one of the people I'm closest to here, and consider to be my best friend. Let's just say he pushed me away today. Talking about how he's going to leave and more or less suicide, whether he'll ever admit that or not. But it ******* hurt. Not to be selfish, but I couldn't but sit there and be like okay.... SO I don't matter enough to you for you to want to live? Your wife doesn't? Your other close friends don't? I mean ******* really. I can't handle it. and believe me when i say I've cried over it today.

I'm missing people. I'm dealing with a lot. and I feel like I'm losing it.
But like this post.... I'll be dealing alone. Plain and simple. It's all on my shoulders.
Greeneyedandcurious Greeneyedandcurious
26-30, F
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are quite overwhelmed. Dealing with your Mother's passing is devastating. It saddens me when you say you are alone. I've never been able to depend on a soul but luckily God has been very present in my life and I've always had the comfort of knowing I'm NOT alone. I've always heard that hurting people, hurt other people. I imagine this is why you are lashing out. I hope and pray you find peace even tho you are going through very difficult times!