He Swore To Be Loyal

I've been in a relationship with a man for the past two years. He and I are both professional costumers, but he gets far more exposure (and therefore far more fans) than myself. That part doesn't really bother me, in fact, that's how we met. He's almost 30 and I'm in my mid twenties.

Our relationship was rocky from the start. We live 1,200 miles away from each other and our work kept us busy. Because of the distance, he asked if he could have something on the side. I told him I wasn't comfortable with it, but he did it anyway.
I should have left him over it, because it only got worse. I begged him to stop, and he eventually began going out of his way to hide it from me, all the while telling me how much he loved me and that he'd never leave me.
I suspected something was going on, which made me stressed and irritable. I kept getting Facebook messages from all these girls that were under the impression that they were his girlfriend. He was obsessed with virgins, and having lost my virginity to a rape when I was 17, I just couldn't provide that service to him. Many of the girls held this over my head.
I began to become angry and domineering, which he later said only made him want to act out more.

It got so bad that in 2011 I tried to take my own life.

After that, things got both better and worse. His words were more careful and kinder to me, but he was distant, though he still said he loved me and wanted me to stay. He even talked about marriage.
In January of that year, he began 'dating' Emily, a 17 year old girl. I don't think they did anything physical, because she also lived in another part of the US and they'd only met once. Then he mat a young woman named Jenny, who became my friend, too. I couldn't understand why she was so reserved until I saw their messages back and fourth. I felt so betrayed, but I don't necessarily blame Jenny, though she knew he and I were together.
On March 25th, 2012, he and I had a huge row and he began flirting with Genaya, a 15 year old from Florida. This persisted until almost a month ago, when she 'found out' about me on he and I's two year anniversary.
I didn't believe her, though I found out yesterday what she was saying was true.
I feel betrayed. He and I had just started living together a week ago. It had been wonderful, save for our difference in sleep schedules.
I can't express the betrayal I feel, and he's sitting there and telling me it's my fault. There have been over seven girls that have messaged me, and countless more that he hasn't told me about.
I literally feel like i'm just part of a collection. He tells me it's my fault and I deserve it, for any number of reasons, including that I was raped at 17, and that I'm a domineering *****.
I only became that way after he refused to get rid of the first one. I was tired of seeing their pictures pop up on Facebook and having them be all public about it. So I told him so.

I just don't know what to do. My heart hurts. I want to leave him, but I also love him. I can't handle this for the rest of my life. Not after he swore to be loyal.
Efterklang Efterklang
22-25, F
Dec 16, 2012