One Amazing Date, Horrible Ending

I don't think I have ever shared the story of this date to anyone - at least not the entire content. And I feel it's time I owned up to the ending of the evening, too. I can't continue to run away from it, faking it never happened, because let's face it: it did.

So, it was on 15 January last year, so almost a year ago. Times flies!

X and I had made plans to go for lunch. It was all set out to be very friendly, though all I wanted by that time was for it to be more. And actually, to be honest, I thought it did sound a bit like a date. Him, me, alone, lunch. Could have been one!

Anyway, I also was supposed to bring him back some boxers he had lent me - pretty sure I still have them somewhere, actually - so I made my way to his around 12. Of course, I had forgotten his boxers - it was an honest mistake, I swear - and I frankly was in no hurry to go anywhere.

We sat on his sofa and he told me I just had to watch an episode of this TV show before we went anywhere.

The day before, one of my friends had convinced me that day was the day I needed to tell him how I felt. That I wanted more. That I didn't want to be friends. That I wanted to be his, and for him to be mine. You know, cliché stuff.

So we were sat there, and I felt anxious the whole time. The show was really good, really funny. He said he knew I'd like it, that it was completely my type of humour. It was kind of sweet knowing he noticed enough of me to think about what I would and would not like.

After about an hour and a half, or something like that, we finally made our way out. It was really cold, it being January and all that, so I kept on wanting to just reach for his hand, but I didn't.

We went to this lovely little place in town, full of locals and with a roaring fire. Whenever I go there, I have a smile on my face remembering our lunch there. It was one of my favourite moments ever.

We sat down and ordered some drinks. And then we talked. We talked for hours, about so many things I don't remember. We talked about our futures, what we wanted to do; our childhoods and what it was like growing up for us. We talked about our dreams and our ambitions. Our time at university. His upcoming trip to the US. It was the best conversation I have ever had. Not so much because the topics were interesting or whatever, but because we really connected.

Maybe it's all in my head, but I felt we were completely honest and talked freely. It's not a feeling you get very often these days - or at least I don't.

After about three hours, we finally left, without ever actually ordering any food. I guess we failed at the lunch part of the meeting.
We continued talking while walking around the park in town and then finally made our way back towards the top of town.

There we parted. He was going right. I was going left. My heart was beating fast. I knew I was supposed to tell him, otherwise I wouldn't know for another ... god knows how long! But I didn't say anything. I just chickened out.

I was walking back towards my house, cursing myself in my head. How stupid I had been, and so weak and scared. Without even thinking, I turned on my heels and suddenly found myself running in the opposite direction.

I caught up with him, fairly quickly, out of breath and more importantly out of my mind. Also, out of ideas on what exactly I was going to say. I made an excuse about needing to go to the bathroom (so classy) and we made our way back to his first.

Once in the bathroom, I didn't want to come out. My palms were sweaty and my heart beating so fast I thought it was easy about to burst or stop. Finally, I turned the handle and walked into the room. I sat next to him on the sofa, and without looking at him I told him I liked him. Like that. Just like that, I did it.

I don't remember much, even though this was in the afternoon, it's all a bit blurry. I know we had some sort of conversation, but I don't remember what was said exactly. I do remember him saying that it wasn't good timing though. He never did say whether he liked me or not. But then, he didn't say he didn't like me, either. Glass half full kinda gal myself, there!

I left, called my best friend and proceeded to get drunk for the rest of the afternoon and part of the evening.

Now comes the incredibly silly and embarrassing part. If you are a sensible human being, you would stop here and just leave thinking I was simply a bit rejected. But if you must read on, please let me apologise beforehand. What I did was incredibly stupid.

Around 10pm, once I was pretty much off my face, I decided it would be an incredibly great idea to go to his flat. Not before leaving him a ridiculous voicemail first though. One that told him I loved him. About a billion times. It was so long, it got cut off by the machine.

So anyways, I figured going to his would be a great idea. Who doesn't want to have a drunk girl turn up at your door at 10 at night? No one, obviously! My friend thought it would also be a great idea. Sound mind? Nope!

I made my way to his - how exactly I got up those stairs, I will never know - and drunkenly pounded his door. He opened after a bit - he was asleep, my pounding woke him - and looked rather annoyed. Once again, not 100% sure what happened, but I left crying - never a good sign.

But then I realised I was lost. Now, you need to understand one thing. I am a dramatic person. Everything I do, I do it to instil a bit of drama into my life. I like to live my life as if written as a script. I like to imagine it could all be part of some funny American tv show. Works 45% of the time into making things funner. The rest of the time, it fails epically and makes everything more complicated.

So I decided to call him because my friend wasn't answering. I called and called and finally got through. He came to find me and called me a taxi, all while I was crying, crouching on the sidewalk. But suddenly, I got up, looked at him, pushed him away and screamed I didn't want him to touch me. I didn't want him anywhere near me - pretty sure this was purely for dramatic effect; I swear, I never learn! - and I ran away.

I ran away.

I ran away. I am writing this, feeling like the most idiotic person int he world right now. This was a year ago, almost, and I still feel utter shame. I am completely gobsmacked he still wants anything to do with me. Pure crazy.

If you must know, I then wrote a letter - by hand - and went to slide it under his door while he was away in Texas. You see, I could be in a bad movie, that's how dramatic I make everything.
brokenflowergirl brokenflowergirl
18-21
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

Oh wow! I am sure it took a lot to open up & tell your story here. Hey don't feel bad about it, I am sure in that letter you wrote you apologized & that is goid enough. Also learn from this mistake & do not repeat the same behavior again! You are young & have a bright future in front of you & you but you have the power to make of your life the best! Good luck!