What Should I Do?

Alright, here's the scoop.... I have been dating this girl for a year and 3 months now and we have been through the ringer together.. Most of the things that have been so hard for us to get through have been because of me and the past that I have had. For about the last 3 or 4 months she has been pushing me to write letters to all of the people that I have slept with... I guess I can't wrap my head around the idea. I don't know why she needs me to do this. I, am not comfortable doing this, because she wants me to basically cut all contact with these people and just leave them in the dust after I give them these letters. Some of these people are still my friends and I have been fighting with her about this for a long time and she just claims that I am defending them and that I should start sticking up for myself and my body (which I do agree with) and I plan on doing that from here on out. It seems to me like she wants everyone out of my life so she can have me to herself.. Am I overreacting? I just wish she could get over the fact that I use to sell myself for money, and understand that I did what I had to do to survive. I know that it's not fair for me to say that because I shouldn't just expect anyone to get over that big detail. . . I know she loves me with every ounce of her body, mind and soul... maybe that's the thing. I just don't feel worthy of such pure love. or is it obsession? where is the line? Is it normal for someone to want to be with you every second of everyday and never eat, sleep, or do anything else without you? I find myself promising her that I'll never leave her and that I'll spend forever with her. Every time she asks me to say it, my heart sinks a little deeper. I don't think I will be with her forever, but I don't know how to let her go. I do love her, and we've talked (often) about how I need my own space and time to spend with friends and so on, but it always seems to get thrown back in my face somehow. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just wanted to get advice about the letter situation, but I guess I got carried away. Please, if you read this, leave a comment. Anything will help right now. Oh, and thanks for reading this massive jumble of ramblings.

26-30, F
8 Responses Jun 20, 2010

Hey, you're in a really tough situation. I think what she has for you is in Limbo. Between Pure Love and Obsession. I can tell she loves you dearly, but she needs to keep reality in check because nothing last forever. Honestly my advice to you is that you should tell her that you want to talk. Tell her that you want to speak and don't want things to get into an argument. Tell her how you love her, but she's killing your relationship. The reason why you're saying this is because there's a lack of trust. Plus you know that you have had a past and things affected your relationship, but the letter things is not going to work. You can't write a letter to people talking about how you're going to cut them off especially since some of them are your friends. You feel uncomfortable doing it. You need space and if you're going to work then she needs to trust you and let you do things without being so insecure. You're obviously with her and she needs to accept your past because no one is perfect and bringing up your past over and over again in your relationship isn't healthy and she needs to stop doing that and move past that. Things need to work out, so she needs to stop smothering you. Tell her how much you love her and that you're here for her. Hopefully things work out for you. Good Luck :)

hi, i hate to tell you this, but please contact an online shrink and relate to this shrink the behavior of your girlfriend. She seems to have a personality problem. Good luck.

Well i say let her down easy put distance between u two.If u feel this way then dont b with her.

Get rid of her. if you just have no contact with people you once knew that should be fine. It's not just a matter of insecurity with her. Its a matter of not trusting you. This is going to always be there and how do you think thats going to make your relationship. No relationship is solid if you are always walking on egg shells about old relationships. And no amount of talk is going to cure it.

Well part of being in love with someone is accepting your partner's past. It seems like she doesn't accept your past, which is the first major issue in your relationship. We're all imperfect as humans. I'm not saying she has to approve of it, but she should have asked herself if she was okay with you selling yourself, BEFORE she went out with you.<br />
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That being said, it is unreasonable for her to expect you to spend every moment of everyday with you. No one can. I don't think the problem has to do with you writing the letters per se, it's just her trusting you in general. It seems like you haven't done anything to wrong your girlfriend in the time that you two have been together, so I think the best thing she should do is give you the benefit of the doubt in the beginning. After all, that is what trust is all about.

You've probably resolved this by now, but if she can't accept you for who you are and respect your needs, it's time to move on. As tough as that will be, you'll be better off.

I told her that before I do anything as far as writing the letters, I need to be okay and feel comfortable with the idea first. She isn't okay with my past or having certain people still in my life, but that's not her decision to make. If it doesn't work out because of that, then I guess it's just not meant to be. :/

I have been in a slightly similar situation to yours. I dated this guy since i was 16, and i am 18 now (only broke up with him 1 week ago). I am a very social person, i have tons of friends both males and females. And i love to see them on a regular basis. However my Ex never liked me being around them, he often accused me of having affairs and he also stated that i was back stabbing him all the time (which was not true) <br />
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If i became assertive, and intend to do what i please, he would often play the emotional card. He would make me feel guilty for everything. And when he did get his own way, he would become very needy and clingy ( WHICH I HATE) everyone needs space you know! But he never understood that.<br />
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eventually he asked me to end contact with everyone i knew and loved, and stupidly i did it! i don't know why?<br />
i thought he's jealous, because he loves me and wants me to him self, but then after one year i realised i wasn't just jealousy, it was 'control'! So yeah it took me a while to understand his initiative but eventually i chose the right people to be around because he made me a hostage of his own love. <br />
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in your case, tell her she should trust you enough to accept your friends or ex's because everyone has a past,<br />
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she needs to accept it and think of the future, if she keeps going back and thinking of ur past then she will never feel secure. <br />
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you need to think of your own needs too.