What The Heck Do I Do Now

my fiance is emotionally and physically abusive toward me.  what do i do?  if i take her back, she will likely continue the same pattern of attacking me, and then blaming me for her violent actions.  what's worse, is that our 7 month old baby boy will one day have to start taking the blame for her abusive actions as well... and paying the price.  he will grow up being told he's a bad person and so on, or being punched or having his things broken by her on purpose in order to control and dominate him.  that's no way to live.  it's no way to have to grow up.

any ideas? ... anyone been in this situation before?

the dilemma :

option 1 : take her back, and do the best i can to always walk on egg shells with her so that she doesn't become abusive.  this will mean giving her full control of my life, my time and my finances.  that's unfair to me.  and sooner or later, i'll do or say something that sets her off, and then the pattern may continue, which our son will have to witness as he's growing up.

option 2: permanent separation, which will inevitably cause her to make attempts to cut me off from my son.  this will mean i have no means of giving him any positive influence as he's growing up.  and i'll be hurt and full of sorrow that i never get to see him.  this option is equally bad.  she will likely go through a series of temporary boyfriends as he's grwing up, adding to his confusion and instability.

both options are bad.  and she refuses to admit she has a problem.  she refuses to get therapy for her agressive disorder.  it's totally dysfunctional no matter which way we go.  and i just want our son to grow up with a healthy mind, a good sense of self esteem ( which she will surely destroy in him sooner or later ...  ) 

so what does a man do in this kind of situation.  i don't know how to prove she's unfit, so i cannot take full custody and just send her packing... and i most certainly will not allow her to take him away from me without a fight either.  but the court battles will be extremely expensive for both of us, which will only harm our son in the long run.  neither of us can do much to provide for him if the lawyers and the 'system'  help themselves to all our money.
freestylespirit freestylespirit
2 Responses Aug 2, 2010

thanks, todaygirl6... i'm leaning toward a court order for very specific shared custody arrangements and a clause for lawsuit if she fails to comply. i have one ace up my sleeve that she does not. i have a very good friend who is a lawyer, and is well connected in legal circles. it's expensive, but my folks are willing to chip in. i don't know that hers are. so she will rely on legal aid and duty council.<br />
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i will present this as the only alternative i have if she does not go and get some psychiatric help for her unresolved childhood aggression issues. <br />
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i want us to stay together , get married and raise our son together.

thats a tricky situation. No one can tell you what to do. Either decision will have consequences. You have to decide which will be easier for youto swallow and what decision is best for you.