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My Marriage

I need advice on my marriage. My husband and I have been through some really rough times, and now even though we are a lot stronger I can't let go of the hurt we've caused each other. At times it felt like a game, who could hurt each other the most, it was a cycle that none of us would give up. He hurt me so I hurt him, because I hurt him he hurt me - and each time the pain we caused got worse and worse and worse. None of us cheated on each other, but we did both give each other reason to doubt each other, lying and making stuff up to hurt each other. I feel so ashamed and so does he, we don't know how it all started or how it got so out of control, all we know is that we damaged our marriage really badly, and now we both fear we'll never have it back the way it was. We want to forget it all, put it all behind us - but how? he seems able to do it but I can't. I think about the things he did all the time, and the things I said and did........... Most of the time I put it out of my mind, but then it creeps up and I find myself hating him all over again!!!!!! We have just been on the phone for over an hour and for the most part I was just in tears. Has any one been through something like this? does anyone have any advice for us? Not splitting up though.... not an option, we very much want to be together........

AWUK AWUK 26-30, F 77 Responses Mar 1, 2008

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I've been there. The same kind of vicious cycle started shortly after my husband and I were married and went on for the better part of a year. It took us twice as long to feel that we'd truly made amends. So, I'm not sure how long you've been dealing with this, but I believe there is great truth in the saying "time heals all things." Be patient.

That being said, it is even more important that both of you truly wish to repair the marriage because things can only get better with full dedication on both of your parts. Hopefully you have spoken openly and at length with one another about this. Many people find counseling helpful in this respect, but we never did it.

Beyond the elements of time and team work, I found that our problems could only fully be resolved when I could internally let go of the past. For me, my inability to let go was inextricably tied with questions of whether this might happen again in the future and doubts about whether I really still wanted to be in the marriage. A close friend gave me a good bit of advice: When in doubt, do a cost benefit analysis. While it may sound cold and detached to somewhat scientifically analyze your relationship, it can allow you to get out of the irrationality of your own head and think logically about your marriage and your problems. Every time I was finished with the list, the good in my marriage always significantly outweighed the bad, and it was THIS that seemed to give me the perspective that I needed. This process cut the negative thoughts swamping my mind down to size and forced me to focus on the many more good aspects of our marriage.

As far a "having it back the way it was," I have a Newsflash--Your Marriage will never be way it was. The damage was done and neither of your will ever forget. You'll forever see one another through new eyes, knowing the devastating potential of the other. However, this doesn't mean that your marriage can't be even better than it was before. You can now see each other more clearly for who you really are as people and what you are both capable of. If you can get over the past, you can form a far deeper respect for your relationship and truer love for your partner. You've been enlightened. Let your failures empower you.

first of all who ever posted swinging is an idiot. it sounds like u both want it to work and that is the key to make it happen. however the hard part is how bad do u want it to work bad enough to forgive each other and forgive ur selves for ur qwn actions that caused the problem trust me ur not alone a lot of people do this stuff in relationships but when it comes down to it u either let this all b a learning experience of how to and how not to treat each other, and let all u have been through make ur relationship stronger. or continue to let ur past mistakes haunt u and b the ghost from the post that runs u out of ur happy home nothing worth while is ever easy

well, I believe in swinging. maybe it will save your marriage. I apologize, its just it seems that someone's needs aren't being met. Another option is to just abstain from hurting your husband.

HEY THERE AS I WAS READING I COULD SEE THAT YOU HURT HIM AND HE HURT YOU , FIRST THING YOU GUYS ARENT GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET PAST IT IF THE HURT IS STILL THERE YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN LIKE HUSBAND AND WIFE AND TALK ABOUT THE PAIN THATS STILL LINGERING ..ANOTHER THING THE FACT THAT YOUN WANT TO SAVE AND HE DOES TO SO THERES LOVE .. YO0U GUYS ARENT PERFECT .YOU WONT BE ABLE TO FORGET BECAUSE YOU GUYS HAVE LOVE FOR EACH OTHER ,, IF YOU GUYS TRY HIS AND ITS NOT WORKING YOU GUY JUST ARE NOT TO BE TOGETHER.. YOU CAN LOVE SOMEONE BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN YALL SUPPOSED TOGETHER..THATS WHAT YOU CALL ACCEPTING IT AND MOVE ON.ANOTHER THING IF YOU WANT TO HATE ALL OVE AGAIN IT MEANS YOUR NOT OVER IT. AND IF YOU HURT HIM YOU CANT EXPEC TO HATE HIM SO MUCH BECAUSE YOUVE DONE WRONG TOO. REMEBER TWO WRONGS DONT MAKE A RIGHT

SINCERLY ,JOJOLOVE16
IF THIS HELPS MESSAGE ME AND YOU NEED MORE ADVICE .

hello awuk, i'm an avid listener of a famous radio/tv program here in my country where the listeners ask for the advice of psychiatrists/psychologists. I remember a case of a husband who was wronged by his wife, and like you, it was very difficult for him to forget his wife's offense. The psychiatrist told him some practical solutions to his dilemma, but she also strongly suggested that if the offense keeps on creeping in his consciousness despite his conscious effort to forget it, then he needs the help of a therapist. The therapist will give effective step-by- step procedures for the patient to overcome his difficulty in forgetting the offense. You can ask help from an online shrink. Best regards.

Here's a bit of advice. Fix the problem. To do that both of you will have to sit face to face and finally be open and honest with one another. You fell in love once, you can do it again. Right now I'm in rehab...not for drugs, etc. I'm here because in January I went into the hospital for an ablation surgery (on the heart), it went horribly wrong. The doctor punched a hole in it and I lost 6 liters of blood really quickly. I ended up in a chemically induced coma for 3 weeks while they tried to fix me. The nightmares I had were unbelievable. During that event all I could think of was my wife. Something I could rely upon for stability. The dreams had me confused until I saw my wife. She ended up staying with me in the ICU 24/7. Without her I would panic and scream, cry out for help because as it turned out I was unable to move any part of my body and being claustrophobic didn't help. See, I did cheat on my wife and things were terrible at home. We did the same thing but it was me delivering the pain. When I woke up, I wasn't angry, upset or nervous because she was there. We talked about our love and I finally understood what it meant to truly love someone. I'm 48, and a slow learner, sex was always most important but not anymore. Seems God had a different plan, first he yelled at me (coma) then he took away my ability to have an erection. So you see, sex is out in the traditional sense. I've been allowed to go home for a weekend once since January. My wife and I have repaired our relationship and the past is gone. It took a coma for me to come around, don't let it happen to you. Talk to each other, honestly and openly and work things out however, sometimes it won't work out then you may have to split. We are meant to be happy God doesn't want us to be miserable our whole lives. You just have to put up the effort to try. Best wishes...me

When u feel that way again, hug him tightly and tell him u love him. Life is short .. keep that in mind k.. a friend of mine had the same exact problem. she kept bringing up things from the past. the last thing he remembered before he died was her getting angry with him (about the passed) on the phone. the last thing he said he loves her and he was sorry. so he then passed...again life is too short. Be happy u still have eachother . take a long walk with him at the park or maybe Vacation :) Take care

Sounds to me like you both need healing space and a new way to communicate with each other so you can break the habit you currently have of interacting with each other. There are some great energitic healings online you can find if you want to. Go to chummchcat dot com and click Psychics, then look at this lady Renee or Mia. They are awesome and I can tell you I felt rested, relaxed and totally clear after my sessions ( you can do email or phone or chat)

Hope you can find a way to release these old patterns so you can find the peace and love your heart deserves!

Every relationship has had good times and bad times, some better or worse than others, and sometimes you'll both and up in tears, but the important thing to remember is that you love each other. That love will always be there no matter what, and with that in mind you'll be able to get through anything and everything that is thrown at you.

Every day I make a conscious tought to stay married. Some days are easier than others, but it is MY choice. A friend once passed on, "the devil would like nothing more than another marriage to break apart, because in some fashion, it destroys everyone associated with the marriage, children, family, friends, etc..." When a bad memory invades, I use EFT (Gary Craig & check youtube for videos) techniques to break the thought process. I really does work. Also, each time you take a memory out "of storage", you can change that memory when you restore it, since we tend to fixate only on the parts that were bad, try to remember the parts that were good. Next time you recall that memory, the good parts will be stronger over the bad. If they are horrific memories, then do see a therapist, they can help you with PTSD.

CHOICE choose what you going to think about your husband and the minute to hit on the negative choose a different thought. We can only think one thought at a time don't allow one negative after another just work on it and eventually you will train your own thought patterns. I get a visual pic in my mind of the way pearls run off silk let that be your negative thoughts leaving your mind. Takes practice but can be done.

i wood see a luve docktor to fix babyfloyd

Talk things over

Hey i love your decision, to make the marriage work... In India, there is a saying, " Marriage is not about all the good times together, its about being there for each other in bad times too" - Actually there is an epic called Ramayana where God's incarnations come to earth and live a worldly life - normal life. They go through all the problems that a normal wife and husband would go through.. and much more... But they stick to each other - it just shows even when Gods are tied up in marriage they have problems, but the power is within the individuals to make things work... You can always control yourself if you want, you could remember bad or good stuff as u wish - its granted - When you are the controller then control... :) All the very best<br />
Wish you more years of joy and loads and loads of LOVE !!!

I never went through a situation like that personally, but my mom and dad did when I was in middle school through early college. Honestly, as long as you both are willing to change, time can help heal the wounds. There may still be scars, but time can heal wounds. My dad made a lot of bad choices and mistakes, but my mom always found a way to forgive him, once my dad was willing to change. Her strength to keep the family together is something that I still can't fathom to this day. Anyway, it is definitely possible for time to heal your wounds as long as you both are willing to change.

Both stop doing the things that cause the problems. Start doing right things every min. Of the day. Spend time together and talk and maybe a good christian counselor.

I agree with vinceBx. There has to be time. I know that I usually want the results immediately (I'm not very patient) but there has to be time. You have to allow yourself to forgive YOURSELF. We can't always logically justify the things we've done. But in order for us to move on we HAVE to accept what we did, know what we've done wrong and do our best not to repeat it. Carrying around the guilt and the anger will truly damage you. It sounds like the two of you truly love each other but, you guys really hurt one another. Those hurts have to heal. The scars will be there to remind the both of you but in time they will eventually heal. Good luck and life to the both of you!!

The best advice I can give you is to communicate and decide to make a fresh start together putting the past behind you. Live for today and stay in the now looking forward and makeing plans for the future together. Both doing the best you can for one another. Life is what you make it and you will feel what you decide to feel. I wish you all the best.

I caught my husband cheating on me and when I feel I get in one of those moods where I want to blame him all over again we'll have a "shoot in the dark" session that I created for the kids where the kids can tell me anything they want and I can't get mad at them or they ask anything they want and I have to answer the truth but once the lights come back on the session ends.....and I cannot bring the topics in the light. So my husband is the one that suggested doing this for us and I have to tell you it's been working great for us. Good luck to you

I'm with you vince, the only thing that's going to help this situation is time. I know that sounds impossible, but it will fade, in the meantime, you'll just have to keep it in the forefront of your mind that you love him, and want to forgive him, forgiveness is not forgetfulness. So learn from your mistakes, and when the memories do come, try to find another memory to replace it, because theres apparently enough good memories that you want to stay together.<br />
Hope everything works out for you AWUK.

I would kill to have your marriage then cuz compared to mine, thats just a breeze. My marriage is just horrible but i still want to be with him so much, hes put me through so much hell, you name it hes probably already dont it and i dont do anything back because i dont want to have it on my mind of wat ive done so i just sit there and look like a fool. i have evry reason to be mad @ him to leave him and hate him so much but i cant, i cant help but still keep loving him more and more everyday even when he says he doesnt love me and @times wishes i was dead. when he would try for like that one week i was like you i couldnt but help think of wat he had done and it makes me mad and then i would doubt him and i guess i would push it to go right back to being @its worst. The best advise i can give is talk. Yall both talk it out no matter how much it will hurt and believe me yall will get mad and it will hurt so much but if yall bring it all out on the table then its showing your willing to put it out there to show yes ive done this im embarressed by it and im tellin you because i want to move on from it, then yall will know it all and yall can choose how to move on from it, yall can choose wat each other needs to trust each other again. I wish my husband would say even a few sentences let alone even 2words. it sounds like yall both want it to work and it can just communicate cuz wat im going through right now, i dont wish on anybody in the world except for the one that caused my marriage to be the way it is from the start.

This is so sad but also a complete waste of time. One should remember that the past is history tomorrow a mystery and all we have is today which is a gift and that's why we call it the present. Hold hands with your husband and tell him honestly how much you love him but that you need him to know <br />
that the hurt is still strong and ask for his help to get you through this. Nothing is certain we must never waste time holding on to past feelings that can never be undone. Look at it this way you go drinking have an accident and lose a leg. There is nothing you can do about this except to learn to live<br />
with the consequences but learn to walk again with your replacement limb. It will never be your own leg but it will allow you to move on and not repeat the reason it happened in the first place. Love conquers all if you are still truly in love tell him so tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life

Naked honesty, for as long as it takes.

hollycanhelp@webs.com<br />
<br />
we can give advice on anything! email us at hollycanhelp@hotmail.co.uk

If all else fails and you can't get over this on your own, you and your husband could go to a couples therapy and talk it out with a therapist/ some kind of mediator to help keep things on topic and help you both figure out why the past happened and ways to forgive each other in order to move on. I hope you two find a way to make things better.

Marriage is difficult if nobody is in charge. A great marriage has a Dom(me) and a submissive. It is my view that only a D/s relationship survives. This does not mean BDSM per se, but a relationship where one is charged with leadership, and the other is charged with obedience. For me, that means a submissive female.<br />
<br />
Mistakes are made, but we grow from that. It can only be the submissive who can truly make the marriage a unit of one. If you have a man who is proud of you, let him show the world. Let him display your naked body to friends. Let him share you with others to show what a wonderful woman you are.

I would like to have something positive to say but can't. I have been married for 30+ years and most of the relationship has been hurtful (no cheating as far as I know) and hateful verbally. He has physically abused me and although that has stopped (I called the cops) he has stepped up the verbal abuse. He always apologizes but never changes. The bottom line is love will not overcome everything when hurt is the any part of a relationship. BTW we've even tried marriage counselling and strangely it was all centered on me because he is so smooth and can sell anyone anything. I live with it and don't know why.. guess I love him despite.

I knew a girl once, let's call her Jane. Jane didn't feel good about herself. She expected others to agree with her poor self image and kick her around. Along came Joe who treated her well, this made her feel uncomfortable. She thought "he is a little too friendly - he must be a bit strange to be so nice to ME". She thought "if he likes me then I bet there's something wrong with him. I'd better brush him off!". Joe got the message he ain't welcome and takes a hike. Jane says to herself "where are all the nice people in my life?"<br />
Along came Dave. Dave is a bully. Dave fits in with Jane's beliefs which says "men kick you around". He kicked her around so she figured he was a regular guy. She was comfortable with Dave and she lived unhappily ever after, and she was able to say to all her friends "men are all bullies, just look at Dave!".<br />
Sound familiar? Sometimes we bring these things on ourselves without even realizing it.<br />
Sounds to me like you need a new guy!

My best advice is to sit down and have a long honest conversation- and every time it gets heated take a five minute break from each other then come back and talk some more- Only one rule- you can't talk about what he did to you and he can't talk about what you did to him...you can only talk about your own issues and faults and misdeeds- No blaming, just owning up.

Id say u both need to talk it through. And maybe wipe the slate clean and start again. Id start by just dating again. Going out and enjoy each others company. Remind each other of what it was that made you fall in love in the first palce. And make an agreement to never go back to that "game" again and to always be open and honest with each other! I hope it works out for u's! Good Luck xx