Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

My Marriage

I need advice on my marriage. My husband and I have been through some really rough times, and now even though we are a lot stronger I can't let go of the hurt we've caused each other. At times it felt like a game, who could hurt each other the most, it was a cycle that none of us would give up. He hurt me so I hurt him, because I hurt him he hurt me - and each time the pain we caused got worse and worse and worse. None of us cheated on each other, but we did both give each other reason to doubt each other, lying and making stuff up to hurt each other. I feel so ashamed and so does he, we don't know how it all started or how it got so out of control, all we know is that we damaged our marriage really badly, and now we both fear we'll never have it back the way it was. We want to forget it all, put it all behind us - but how? he seems able to do it but I can't. I think about the things he did all the time, and the things I said and did........... Most of the time I put it out of my mind, but then it creeps up and I find myself hating him all over again!!!!!! We have just been on the phone for over an hour and for the most part I was just in tears. Has any one been through something like this? does anyone have any advice for us? Not splitting up though.... not an option, we very much want to be together........

AWUK AWUK 26-30, F 77 Responses Mar 1, 2008

Your Response


I've been there. The same kind of vicious cycle started shortly after my husband and I were married and went on for the better part of a year. It took us twice as long to feel that we'd truly made amends. So, I'm not sure how long you've been dealing with this, but I believe there is great truth in the saying "time heals all things." Be patient.

That being said, it is even more important that both of you truly wish to repair the marriage because things can only get better with full dedication on both of your parts. Hopefully you have spoken openly and at length with one another about this. Many people find counseling helpful in this respect, but we never did it.

Beyond the elements of time and team work, I found that our problems could only fully be resolved when I could internally let go of the past. For me, my inability to let go was inextricably tied with questions of whether this might happen again in the future and doubts about whether I really still wanted to be in the marriage. A close friend gave me a good bit of advice: When in doubt, do a cost benefit analysis. While it may sound cold and detached to somewhat scientifically analyze your relationship, it can allow you to get out of the irrationality of your own head and think logically about your marriage and your problems. Every time I was finished with the list, the good in my marriage always significantly outweighed the bad, and it was THIS that seemed to give me the perspective that I needed. This process cut the negative thoughts swamping my mind down to size and forced me to focus on the many more good aspects of our marriage.

As far a "having it back the way it was," I have a Newsflash--Your Marriage will never be way it was. The damage was done and neither of your will ever forget. You'll forever see one another through new eyes, knowing the devastating potential of the other. However, this doesn't mean that your marriage can't be even better than it was before. You can now see each other more clearly for who you really are as people and what you are both capable of. If you can get over the past, you can form a far deeper respect for your relationship and truer love for your partner. You've been enlightened. Let your failures empower you.

first of all who ever posted swinging is an idiot. it sounds like u both want it to work and that is the key to make it happen. however the hard part is how bad do u want it to work bad enough to forgive each other and forgive ur selves for ur qwn actions that caused the problem trust me ur not alone a lot of people do this stuff in relationships but when it comes down to it u either let this all b a learning experience of how to and how not to treat each other, and let all u have been through make ur relationship stronger. or continue to let ur past mistakes haunt u and b the ghost from the post that runs u out of ur happy home nothing worth while is ever easy

well, I believe in swinging. maybe it will save your marriage. I apologize, its just it seems that someone's needs aren't being met. Another option is to just abstain from hurting your husband.



hello awuk, i'm an avid listener of a famous radio/tv program here in my country where the listeners ask for the advice of psychiatrists/psychologists. I remember a case of a husband who was wronged by his wife, and like you, it was very difficult for him to forget his wife's offense. The psychiatrist told him some practical solutions to his dilemma, but she also strongly suggested that if the offense keeps on creeping in his consciousness despite his conscious effort to forget it, then he needs the help of a therapist. The therapist will give effective step-by- step procedures for the patient to overcome his difficulty in forgetting the offense. You can ask help from an online shrink. Best regards.

Here's a bit of advice. Fix the problem. To do that both of you will have to sit face to face and finally be open and honest with one another. You fell in love once, you can do it again. Right now I'm in rehab...not for drugs, etc. I'm here because in January I went into the hospital for an ablation surgery (on the heart), it went horribly wrong. The doctor punched a hole in it and I lost 6 liters of blood really quickly. I ended up in a chemically induced coma for 3 weeks while they tried to fix me. The nightmares I had were unbelievable. During that event all I could think of was my wife. Something I could rely upon for stability. The dreams had me confused until I saw my wife. She ended up staying with me in the ICU 24/7. Without her I would panic and scream, cry out for help because as it turned out I was unable to move any part of my body and being claustrophobic didn't help. See, I did cheat on my wife and things were terrible at home. We did the same thing but it was me delivering the pain. When I woke up, I wasn't angry, upset or nervous because she was there. We talked about our love and I finally understood what it meant to truly love someone. I'm 48, and a slow learner, sex was always most important but not anymore. Seems God had a different plan, first he yelled at me (coma) then he took away my ability to have an erection. So you see, sex is out in the traditional sense. I've been allowed to go home for a weekend once since January. My wife and I have repaired our relationship and the past is gone. It took a coma for me to come around, don't let it happen to you. Talk to each other, honestly and openly and work things out however, sometimes it won't work out then you may have to split. We are meant to be happy God doesn't want us to be miserable our whole lives. You just have to put up the effort to try. Best

When u feel that way again, hug him tightly and tell him u love him. Life is short .. keep that in mind k.. a friend of mine had the same exact problem. she kept bringing up things from the past. the last thing he remembered before he died was her getting angry with him (about the passed) on the phone. the last thing he said he loves her and he was sorry. so he then passed...again life is too short. Be happy u still have eachother . take a long walk with him at the park or maybe Vacation :) Take care

Sounds to me like you both need healing space and a new way to communicate with each other so you can break the habit you currently have of interacting with each other. There are some great energitic healings online you can find if you want to. Go to chummchcat dot com and click Psychics, then look at this lady Renee or Mia. They are awesome and I can tell you I felt rested, relaxed and totally clear after my sessions ( you can do email or phone or chat)

Hope you can find a way to release these old patterns so you can find the peace and love your heart deserves!

Every relationship has had good times and bad times, some better or worse than others, and sometimes you'll both and up in tears, but the important thing to remember is that you love each other. That love will always be there no matter what, and with that in mind you'll be able to get through anything and everything that is thrown at you.

Every day I make a conscious tought to stay married. Some days are easier than others, but it is MY choice. A friend once passed on, "the devil would like nothing more than another marriage to break apart, because in some fashion, it destroys everyone associated with the marriage, children, family, friends, etc..." When a bad memory invades, I use EFT (Gary Craig & check youtube for videos) techniques to break the thought process. I really does work. Also, each time you take a memory out "of storage", you can change that memory when you restore it, since we tend to fixate only on the parts that were bad, try to remember the parts that were good. Next time you recall that memory, the good parts will be stronger over the bad. If they are horrific memories, then do see a therapist, they can help you with PTSD.

CHOICE choose what you going to think about your husband and the minute to hit on the negative choose a different thought. We can only think one thought at a time don't allow one negative after another just work on it and eventually you will train your own thought patterns. I get a visual pic in my mind of the way pearls run off silk let that be your negative thoughts leaving your mind. Takes practice but can be done.

i wood see a luve docktor to fix babyfloyd

Talk things over

Hey i love your decision, to make the marriage work... In India, there is a saying, " Marriage is not about all the good times together, its about being there for each other in bad times too" - Actually there is an epic called Ramayana where God's incarnations come to earth and live a worldly life - normal life. They go through all the problems that a normal wife and husband would go through.. and much more... But they stick to each other - it just shows even when Gods are tied up in marriage they have problems, but the power is within the individuals to make things work... You can always control yourself if you want, you could remember bad or good stuff as u wish - its granted - When you are the controller then control... :) All the very best<br />
Wish you more years of joy and loads and loads of LOVE !!!

I never went through a situation like that personally, but my mom and dad did when I was in middle school through early college. Honestly, as long as you both are willing to change, time can help heal the wounds. There may still be scars, but time can heal wounds. My dad made a lot of bad choices and mistakes, but my mom always found a way to forgive him, once my dad was willing to change. Her strength to keep the family together is something that I still can't fathom to this day. Anyway, it is definitely possible for time to heal your wounds as long as you both are willing to change.

Both stop doing the things that cause the problems. Start doing right things every min. Of the day. Spend time together and talk and maybe a good christian counselor.

I agree with vinceBx. There has to be time. I know that I usually want the results immediately (I'm not very patient) but there has to be time. You have to allow yourself to forgive YOURSELF. We can't always logically justify the things we've done. But in order for us to move on we HAVE to accept what we did, know what we've done wrong and do our best not to repeat it. Carrying around the guilt and the anger will truly damage you. It sounds like the two of you truly love each other but, you guys really hurt one another. Those hurts have to heal. The scars will be there to remind the both of you but in time they will eventually heal. Good luck and life to the both of you!!

The best advice I can give you is to communicate and decide to make a fresh start together putting the past behind you. Live for today and stay in the now looking forward and makeing plans for the future together. Both doing the best you can for one another. Life is what you make it and you will feel what you decide to feel. I wish you all the best.

I caught my husband cheating on me and when I feel I get in one of those moods where I want to blame him all over again we'll have a "shoot in the dark" session that I created for the kids where the kids can tell me anything they want and I can't get mad at them or they ask anything they want and I have to answer the truth but once the lights come back on the session ends.....and I cannot bring the topics in the light. So my husband is the one that suggested doing this for us and I have to tell you it's been working great for us. Good luck to you

I'm with you vince, the only thing that's going to help this situation is time. I know that sounds impossible, but it will fade, in the meantime, you'll just have to keep it in the forefront of your mind that you love him, and want to forgive him, forgiveness is not forgetfulness. So learn from your mistakes, and when the memories do come, try to find another memory to replace it, because theres apparently enough good memories that you want to stay together.<br />
Hope everything works out for you AWUK.

I would kill to have your marriage then cuz compared to mine, thats just a breeze. My marriage is just horrible but i still want to be with him so much, hes put me through so much hell, you name it hes probably already dont it and i dont do anything back because i dont want to have it on my mind of wat ive done so i just sit there and look like a fool. i have evry reason to be mad @ him to leave him and hate him so much but i cant, i cant help but still keep loving him more and more everyday even when he says he doesnt love me and @times wishes i was dead. when he would try for like that one week i was like you i couldnt but help think of wat he had done and it makes me mad and then i would doubt him and i guess i would push it to go right back to being @its worst. The best advise i can give is talk. Yall both talk it out no matter how much it will hurt and believe me yall will get mad and it will hurt so much but if yall bring it all out on the table then its showing your willing to put it out there to show yes ive done this im embarressed by it and im tellin you because i want to move on from it, then yall will know it all and yall can choose how to move on from it, yall can choose wat each other needs to trust each other again. I wish my husband would say even a few sentences let alone even 2words. it sounds like yall both want it to work and it can just communicate cuz wat im going through right now, i dont wish on anybody in the world except for the one that caused my marriage to be the way it is from the start.

This is so sad but also a complete waste of time. One should remember that the past is history tomorrow a mystery and all we have is today which is a gift and that's why we call it the present. Hold hands with your husband and tell him honestly how much you love him but that you need him to know <br />
that the hurt is still strong and ask for his help to get you through this. Nothing is certain we must never waste time holding on to past feelings that can never be undone. Look at it this way you go drinking have an accident and lose a leg. There is nothing you can do about this except to learn to live<br />
with the consequences but learn to walk again with your replacement limb. It will never be your own leg but it will allow you to move on and not repeat the reason it happened in the first place. Love conquers all if you are still truly in love tell him so tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life

Naked honesty, for as long as it takes.<br />
<br />
we can give advice on anything! email us at

If all else fails and you can't get over this on your own, you and your husband could go to a couples therapy and talk it out with a therapist/ some kind of mediator to help keep things on topic and help you both figure out why the past happened and ways to forgive each other in order to move on. I hope you two find a way to make things better.

Marriage is difficult if nobody is in charge. A great marriage has a Dom(me) and a submissive. It is my view that only a D/s relationship survives. This does not mean BDSM per se, but a relationship where one is charged with leadership, and the other is charged with obedience. For me, that means a submissive female.<br />
<br />
Mistakes are made, but we grow from that. It can only be the submissive who can truly make the marriage a unit of one. If you have a man who is proud of you, let him show the world. Let him display your naked body to friends. Let him share you with others to show what a wonderful woman you are.

I would like to have something positive to say but can't. I have been married for 30+ years and most of the relationship has been hurtful (no cheating as far as I know) and hateful verbally. He has physically abused me and although that has stopped (I called the cops) he has stepped up the verbal abuse. He always apologizes but never changes. The bottom line is love will not overcome everything when hurt is the any part of a relationship. BTW we've even tried marriage counselling and strangely it was all centered on me because he is so smooth and can sell anyone anything. I live with it and don't know why.. guess I love him despite.

I knew a girl once, let's call her Jane. Jane didn't feel good about herself. She expected others to agree with her poor self image and kick her around. Along came Joe who treated her well, this made her feel uncomfortable. She thought "he is a little too friendly - he must be a bit strange to be so nice to ME". She thought "if he likes me then I bet there's something wrong with him. I'd better brush him off!". Joe got the message he ain't welcome and takes a hike. Jane says to herself "where are all the nice people in my life?"<br />
Along came Dave. Dave is a bully. Dave fits in with Jane's beliefs which says "men kick you around". He kicked her around so she figured he was a regular guy. She was comfortable with Dave and she lived unhappily ever after, and she was able to say to all her friends "men are all bullies, just look at Dave!".<br />
Sound familiar? Sometimes we bring these things on ourselves without even realizing it.<br />
Sounds to me like you need a new guy!

My best advice is to sit down and have a long honest conversation- and every time it gets heated take a five minute break from each other then come back and talk some more- Only one rule- you can't talk about what he did to you and he can't talk about what you did to can only talk about your own issues and faults and misdeeds- No blaming, just owning up.

Id say u both need to talk it through. And maybe wipe the slate clean and start again. Id start by just dating again. Going out and enjoy each others company. Remind each other of what it was that made you fall in love in the first palce. And make an agreement to never go back to that "game" again and to always be open and honest with each other! I hope it works out for u's! Good Luck xx

I understand what you are going through.<br />
I have no great words of wisdom, but the bible is a great help.<br />
<br />
1 Corinthians 13:4-8<br />
Love is never tired of waiting; love is kind; love has no envy; love has no high opinion of itself, love has no pride; Love's ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for itself; it is not quickly made angry, it takes no account of evil; It takes no pleasure in wrongdoing, but has joy in what is true; Love has the power of undergoing all things, having faith in all things, hoping all things. Though the prophet's word may come to an end, tongues come to nothing, and knowledge have no more value, love has no end.<br />
<br />
I feel for you and I pray that you can both let go of past hurts and move forward. The past is over and done, the present is a gift and the future is in Gods hands.<br />
<br />
I hope some advice helps you, if not from me then from someone else.<br />
<br />
Love, respect and may God bless you! :-)

my husband somewhat recently did something to me that i did NOT think i would ever be able to move on from or forget. we worked it out because we love each other, and i vowed for both of our sake that i would move on and "forget" it. i haven't forgotten it, but i'm no longer bitter about it. here's what i did...<br />
everytime it pops up in my head, i tell myself that it comes down to two things... either i love him enough to work through it MYSELF without dragging him down any further with my thoughts on it OR i keep festering over it and let it ruin my marriage. i always choose the first. i also sit down and make a list of all the reasons i love my husband more than this world, and i don't talk to him until i'm finished with my list (if i were to talk to him before/during the list, i might still be angry and say something irrational). over time, this strategy worked SO WELL that i don't even think about what he did anymore (except for now, and that's just because i was searching for a way to hopefully help you in answering this question.)...

But Armywife UK's husband is violent,that is a criminal offence.No one should have to put up with physical violence in any sort of partnership.No one!<br />
<br />
Get out of the relationship,armywifeUK and stay out.<br />
<br />
There is a new life waiting for you.Don't waste it,life is far too short to waste.<br />
<br />
My wedding anniversary is today,we have been married 24 years and have survived <br />
1) bereavement<br />
2)my nervous breakdown<br />
3)homelessness<br />
4)physical violence towards my husband from an unbalanced family member<br />
5)12 house moves in 20 years<br />
6)the death of a much loved family pet<br />
7)A family feud on my husband's side.<br />
<br />
I think that's quite enough obstacles.<br />
<br />
So don't waste any more time,armywifeUK.There's a world out there,go and live it.!

My husband and I say that We have to stick together as no one else would put up with us...hehehehe bad part about it is that it is true.....I am the only one that truely understands him....and him me

My wife and I were goin through a tough time a few years back, and I found myself in my doctor's office one day asking for some anti-depressants so I could sleep, go to work, etc. She wrote the prescription, then related a humorous story that seemed to make a difference for me and made me laugh, too. She said that she and her husband ended up in marriage counseling at one point in their marriage, on the verge of divorce. At a particular moment in the counseling, her husband chimed up and said, "hell, if she divorces me, she's just gonna end up with some other a**h***! They both laughed, together, and realized that in spite of all the bad, things could be worse - and they started to look at all the positive things they both brought to the marriage. After my doctor related this story, my wife and I sat down and had a heart to heart, in the presence of our counselor, and we've been making a go of it ever since. That was about 10 years ago now, and we've been married a total of 26 years. I'm so glad we stayed together, and I'm pretty sure she is too (at least I hope she is!). I hope this helps. Hang in there!

I think more of the anger of what they are living, than it being to you???? Of cource I could be wrong

Hmmmm that came across as a little patronizing!

Keep telling your self that....You will get better....and maybe it will make him get better....(but I would still not get back together with him)

Thank you singer - I'm taking things one day at a time - and I will get there and I will be stronger than before. My life isn't over - it's only just begining! :)

You may not be together now but if you write down each thing that you and he piece of paper you will begin to start understanding what happened...Then you take the papers with the bad things and burn them one by one...And as you burn them you tell yourself that you are sorry for the huhappyness and pain and by the time that is is done you will feel better...Then take all of the papers with the good things you put them into a book or box and when the hate starts to return you will beable to remimber the best part of your time together....It reminds you that you were not a failure and you will be able to move on a little eaisier....I have dome this and it does get better....Dwelling on the good is so much better than dwelling on the bad. My prayers are with you <br />
<br />
We army wives need to stick together...For we are a proud few

Thanks coloradodancer - I'll take a look :0)

It's hard breaking up with a controlling man. You'll need to get strength to help you so you don't ever do that again! Try EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, you can find it on the web. It really seems to help people both heal and have insights. Also some maybe-pertinent reading is about narcissism, like the book "Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited," by Sam Vaknin. Find it on the 'web, too. Knowledge is power! Good luck to you!

O hun...<br />
I wish I'd known...Listen, I think you're great,ok? Your a strong person and your a caring person. Whatever, you'll get over it as you've got people that care for you (here and in the real world). I can't believe that the idiot would act like that!!! I know you love him but...what a ****!<br />
<br />
Whatever...just to know that I've got your back, ok girlfriend ? Big Hug...<br />
<br />
Sammy Jo Duponte x

Thanks hun - read my blog if you want to know more. :(

OMG!<br />
Hun....are you alright? I really don't know what to say...I was gonna suggest space and times TOGETHER (al la face to face) at regular intervals to work things through...a safe space to talk...<br />
Sorry to hear your bad news know where I am if you wanna talk...I'm a good listener.<br />
<br />
Sammy Jo Duponte x

Thanks Sunstone :)<br />

UPDATE: My husband and I have now split. it's for the best. He was too controlling and things turned violent - I will never ever let a man leave his mark on me and let him get away with it.

I have been where you are, and sometimes still am. I harbor unforgiveness for things that happened 7 years ago.<br />
<br />
But I find this helps: When I am with my husband, I try to focus on just that moment. I try to really listen. I "plug in" to him and remeber that THIS MOMENT is the only one that is real anymore. It seems to help me remember why I fell in love with him- and to know that he is just a human, like me. When I am alone and the thoughts and memories come, I do the same thing- I plug into this moment and try to sustain that, doing what is required right now. If I am having a very bad time of it I call a friend who has agreed to listen to my fears, then remind me to think of the ways my husband shows his love to me. <br />
<br />
I know it is hard. One last idea- keep a journal of every nice and thoughtful thing he does for you and says to you. Write down every hug, compliment and favor. If he tells you he loves you- write it down. Then go back and read it when you're having old thoughts. God bless you both.

My boyfriend and I went through something similar. I had a friend who recommended the book called "The Five Love Languages." It talks about how every person feels love differently and how it is important to learn what makes a person feel loved. If a person's "love tank" isn't full, the relationship will be unhappy. We both read the book and my boyfriend has now turned into a different person. He knows how to make me feel loved and happy and makes sure he does that every day. Though books don't solve all your problems, if you both read it, it could save your relationship and make it better than before!

Just go to marriage guidance,you need support.Self help books aren't enough in a situation like this.

Have you read a book called 'Total Woman' it's by Marabel Morgan if my memory is right. You may be able to find it on 'abebooks' websight. At the end of the day it realy is the woman who sets the tone of the family house so go for it girrrl.

ArmyWifeUk...... I'm sorry, I can't give you advice because I too am like you and find that things creep up on me too and I just can't seem to let go. When you have figured out the answer let me know....

It is almost impossible to forget when someone you love says something horrible and hurtful to you and vice versa....what I suggest is sit down (both of you) and write down all the hurtful things you can think of that you have said to each other and then take turns reading them out and explain what it is about it that hurts you then you need to forgive the person for what they have said and in place think of something positive about that person instead. As you have said it is easier for him to forgive than you so in the morning (every morning) look in the mirror and have something to say that is positive and say it everyday at least 3 times a day..something like "I love my husband (put his name) because......." this will put you in a positive mindset and before long your negative feelings should subside...hope this helps...sounds corny but know it will help!

I don"t mean to be rude in what I say I am just offering my honest opinion advice. <br />
<br />
What you need to do is call it even and moveforward focusing on the future. Think of it this way one set of childish behaviour washes out the the other set of childish behaviour giving you both a clean slate. <br />
<br />
You are both responsible here, you have both been hurtful and each of you are either choosing to move on or not. BUT To keep harking back to it and fanning the flames you are choosing not to let go. I hate to be blunt but if that is the case then I think you may enjoy the drama and may be bored if its not there.<br />
<br />
Otherwise you would look at this as being a glass half full situation. The man you say you love and want a future with isthe one trying to build a foundation for a future and yet you are continuing to tear it down. <br />
<br />
He has forgiven you and himself and you say you want the same but you are not forgiving him (you say you find yourself "hating him again") which given the circumstances is fairly selfish. <br />
<br />
If you are sincere in your intent to try and save this marriage try looking for the positives and work on creating new better experiences. If you can't do that on your own then get help. If you are unwilling to do that then you will lose your marriage anyway because he will not stay in this situtaion when he is trying to make it better and move your relationshipit to an adult phase.<br />
<br />
I am not blaming you. You both made this mess but only one is trying to change - so the question is do you really want to????

You say you want things back the way they were, and yet you don't say what that was.<br />
To reap what you sow, is harsh, but very true. Are you still with him? I only ask as you spent an hour on the phone.<br />
There's no easy, straightforward answer to your problem. You both realize the mistakes you've made, but it sounds as though you are the one who has the hill to climb. As suggested in other post, councelling might help. However, what you have to do is get to the bottom of why it all started in the first place. It seems you had pleasure from what you were doing. Where was the romance? Find it. Get it back into your lives. There is nothing anyone can do about the past; it cannot be changed. It happened. The future is there, ready for the taking. Enjoy what you have left, of it.

Sounds like the two of you need some professional, non-involved third party. If you both really want to stay together you will need to make a commitment to each other at least for a specified time fame while you work this out. If, at the end of counselling you both decide to break it off, you can say you each tried your best. And maybe you can be friends, maybe not at first until the hurt goes away. It takes two to tango and you both probably have some old baggage to air and get rid of.

Forgiveness is #1 if your going to get past this. Try to think of the reasons you got married in the first place. Second big thing is you need to have clear vision on how you want things to be and a plan on how to get there. Your basically conditioned now to bring up those hurtful thoughts when talking to him or some other trigger like even thinking about him. It's like a program you brain runs that's triggered by some event. The good news is, you can change the program and unlearn that pattern. You need to find out first and think hard about what does make you happy. What things trigger your happiness, a certain song that reminds you of good times, a movie, a scent, a picture a place. Now what you need to do is have these things ready when those thoughts come on. I know go to your happy place is corney but this is on a higher level than that... Every time they happen, get your stuff out to help erase the bad emotion tied to those thoughts. Another thing that helps is to rewind the thoughts play them back but add in your favorite colors, nice music or funny music. If you can turn that bad thought into a funny one, like him saying something hurtful in that memoryt then *Bam!* a pie flys into his face when he says it. Like there is a word he says and every time he says it BAM! pie in the face buster, I hope your smiling at this notion. :).. Now work on this and practice it. Remember this is important because your life long happiness with him is at stake. You definitely have to get back to enjoying each others company again, if you don't already. Once those memories are overwritten it will be hard to get back to the way you felt about them before, which is a good thing. They won't seem like such a big deal. Remember again the reason you want to get over it and forgive is you want life long happiness with your husband. Please try this out, all these techniques and see what happens. Get back to being young and honeymooner like, usually those days are pretty happy ones.

Forgiveness is #1 if your going to get past this. Try to think of the reasons you got married in the first place. Second big thing is you need to have clear vision on how you want things to be and a plan on how to get there. Your basically conditioned now to bring up those hurtful thoughts when talking to him or some other trigger like even thinking about him. It's like a program you brain runs that's triggered by some event. The good news is, you can change the program and unlearn that pattern. You need to find out first and think hard about what does make you happy. What things trigger your happiness, a certain song that reminds you of good times, a movie, a scent, a picture a place. Now what you need to do is have these things ready when those thoughts come on. I know go to your happy place is corney but this is on a higher level than that... Every time they happen, get your stuff out to help erase the bad emotion tied to those thoughts. Another thing that helps is to rewind the thoughts play them back but add in your favorite colors, nice music or funny music. If you can turn that bad thought into a funny one, like him saying something hurtful in that memoryt then *Bam!* a pie flys into his face when he says it. Like there is a word he says and every time he says it BAM! pie in the face buster, I hope your smiling at this notion. :).. Now work on this and practice it. Remember this is important because your life long happiness with him is at stake. You definitely have to get back to enjoying each others company again, if you don't already. Once those memories are overwritten it will be hard to get back to the way you felt about them before, which is a good thing. They won't seem like such a big deal. Remember again the reason you want to get over it and forgive is you want life long happiness with your husband. Please try this out, all these techniques and see what happens. Get back to being young and honeymooner like, usually those days are pretty happy ones.

If you both said and did things to hurt one another then maybe therapy is in order. I know people get hurt but I can't understand how people say, "They hurt me more." Only the person hurt can know to what degree they are hurt. <br />
<br />
Talking things out and agreeing to not bring up the past is hard and takes a concious effort. Have you both apologized to one another? That's a good first step.<br />
<br />
If you both want the marriage to work then you'll make the effort to improve things. If bad thoughts and/or feeling crop up and you decide to say something to re-hash the issues then the marriage is destined to spiral. <br />
<br />
Try this. If you feel yourself wanting to say something to bring up the past or even to be hurtful again give yourself 10 minutes and write down what you want to say. If you read it and still want to say that hurtful thing then maybe you shouldn't be married. It's a tough decision to make and hurts like hell but it happens.

When we are no longer able to change a situation — we are challenged to change ourselves.

Hi Army Wife UK; <br />
<br />
To my mind, if neither of you have cheated on each other, then this is an easy one. <br />
<br />
God's way is the easy way: You have already repented (i.e. do not want to torture each other anymore), so no need for the sorrow. You can just go forward to love oneanother as you should. Marriage is very sacred, and to have someone to love and to cherish is all you can ask. Just go forward. Regretting your acts, you are new creatures. If it is possible for you to attend church, this will help your relationship even more. If it is not possible, read God's word the Bible. Also you can Google anything that you are having problems with - to the internet Bible sites to find scriptural guidance.<br />
<br />
yours califnan

I've just emailed you,armywifeuk.

if you have gotten through rough times already, you will find a way to get through this. Be honest with eachother, when you start to hurt because of what you may have done, ask him for a hug and forgiveness, and visa versa. It sounds like your love is strong enough and that you have recognized a problem, thats half the of luck

There's an old saying that goes" You can't go home any more". It means that what you preceived how "Home" was when you were growing up is never going to be what home is today. You have changed along with the world around you. Same with your marriage. You can never have that "First Kiss" again because you already have had it. Plus your mate has changed to. He will never be what he was 3, 5 or 10 years ago nor will you. Commitment is saying you accept each other for every event in your life not just what you want. When you learn to believe in each other and move on you will have learned to be a truly happy couple.

I have been married 3 times but I finally got it right, you must really FORGET AND FORGIVE other wise you will destroy your marriage. You cann't continue holding grudges if you want to stay together. If you Don't the bitterness you are holding in against your husband it will fester and get worse as time goes on,and end up splitting you up. So I beg of you Please Forgive and forget it's hard but it's the only way, if you need help with this get it. I have been married for 16yrs and are very happy. Blacklucy

Well I surmise you are stronger because you have now set expectations and have communicated your goals for having a more productive relationship. (Just trying to fill in the blank) However in light of the fact that you both where willing to let things get so out of control you very likely carry resentment but I’m not referring to him I’m referring to yourself. You let yourself down so to speak. So my assessment of the problem is this; how can you forget what he’s done when you have yet to forgive yourself for allowing him to do it? (meaning that you have to accept the consequences of his/your actions fully) No issue is resolved until you have addressed and resolved your personal concerns. One of the best ways to do that is to become resolute in your reasoning for why you have made your decision to stay. Prove to yourself that this is an acceptable non threatening course of action. The sooner you stop feeling threatened by the past, the sooner you will be able to accept the future course of your actions. I hope everyone’s advice helped ease your tensions, good luck.

Hey girl welcom to the club called marriage. It is human nature to repay with either hurt or kindness to what is paid to us. We have to choose however if we want the cycle to continue or if we are willing to break it ourselves. My husband and I have been in cycles of hurt or be hurt so many times it is not even believable. But we have to pretty much call a "Time OUT!" and look at the situations from another angle. Sometimes it workd and sometimes it doesn't. The things he has said and done have hurt tremendously over the years but I have to decide if I am going to let them eat me alive to get on with the job of being a wife, helpmate, partner, friend and lover. Once you begin to heal yourself...he will begin to heal too. 28 years of experience here...and it anit been easy!!!

As long as you both want to stay together, you shouldn't worry. Just give it time. In the mean time, you might as well try a few of the suggestions.

I confess I have been a bad spouse in the past I have treated in ways I don't want be treated. I have had to forgive my self it's the only way I could move forward today I am better and sweeter person I have changed in ways no one thought was possible. you have to allow others space to change in order to change your self. I believe people who don't change don't allow others to change.

Read Eckhart Tolle's "The New Earth - Awaken Life's Purpose" and see where it takes you. It also talks about past hurt and bunch of other stuff that's very insightful. Do that for you, your husband and your marriage.

Yeah you helped, thank you. Mine didn't cheat either but hurt me in other ways, we're starting to talk a lot more now I just have to try and get it out of my head all the time.

well glad to see you holding on. I have some of the same things happen to my relationship. My husband betrayed my hearts many times and i still love stronge. You can't get back what you had. But now you can make something more stronge and new and wonderfull. I will never forget what my husband has down to me (he never cheated). But l can forgive and understand. Just rember no matter what happens in our lives good or bad, it has made us who we are today. Hope l helped this is my 1st time on this.

I know this is sounding really petty but he hurt me worse LOL, I know I sound like a child............. arggghhh! I just want to take my brain out and wash away all the bad memories...........

Yep we do :(<br />
<br />
I think you could be right, I need to forgive, but I do for a while and then I think about it and think he doesn't deserve my forgiveness..... in my heart I feel he has treated me so bad and that I deserve better, but I love him more than I'll ever love anyone - it's so confusing and messed up...........*sigh*

Trying to forget what a person did is not possible, unless you're hit on the head & lose your memory.But the thing to do is to forgive what happened.Forgive him and YOURSELF.The rest will fade but it's how you handle the bad memory.I don't think many people can do it.Very difficult.Sad .We really get in deep,dont we?

Thanks Lex, I been trying to do that. Then I kind of feel - I can't belive he did that, he couldn't have loved me, I hate him, I hate myself and blah blah blah. Then I do the worst thing ever - I say something to him about it, like I'm punishing him for his mistakes over and over again!!!!!!!!!!!! I know what I'm doing will drive him away eventually, but I can't help it......... *sigh* I feel so **** right now :*(

Here is a thought. Each time one of those bad memories comes to mind...make the choice to forgive and let it go. you cant control your heart...but you can control what you choose to do with those old feelings and hurt surface.<br />
<br />
If you just keep forgiving...over time they will surface less and less