My Friend Won't Get A Job.

I'm getting so fed up with my best friend. She and I have been friends since 8th grade, I love her like a sister, I call her mother "Mom". Which makes this so hard. We have been out of high school for 2 years and while I have had a job since that time, she has yet to even have ONE. Seriously....she didn't apply for school, she still has no liscense, no car. It's driving me crazy! All she does all day is play on the computer, she still begs her mother to buy her clothes, makeup, etc. I hitched a ride to the store with her and her mother so I could fill a prescription, and she was begging her mother to buy her fingernail polish! IT WAS EMBARRASSING. At 20 years old? Really? And she looks at me as her personal chauffeur. I have to drive her everywhere. UGG. I have a boyfriend I have been with for over 5 years, a house, a car, a good job. And she has NOTHING. And she doesn't care! It's driving me so crazy, I feel like this is ruining our friendship honestly, because I feel like I've grown up, but my best friend is still 16 years old! I don't want to be friends with a kid! Idk what to do...I have taken a day off to drive her around to apply to jobs, I have helped her fill out applications, I've even tried giving her driving lessons in my own car! I just don't know what else I can do...She just won't do ANYTHING! Please, I really just need some advice, I don't know anyone else who is like this!
GlitterQueenXO GlitterQueenXO
18-21, F
9 Responses May 7, 2012

This is an old post I see. Hopefully your friend either changed her act, or you distanced yourself from her.

It's not easy. One of my best friends of over a decade has caused me to draw away from her, due largely to her refusal to get a job. She comes from a family of generational poverty, and is used to living on government assistance, but as far as I can tell, she doesn't have any medical issues more serious than the worst-off friends I have who are working and supporting themselves.

At first I tried to help her. I told her she could use me as a job reference; no one ever called me for a reference. I told her I'd help her put together a cover letter or resume; she never took me up on this offer. I gave her advice on how to get her foot in the door; she made excuses for why she couldn't. (I suggested volunteer work, to which she replied, "My anger won't let me." Then I suggested going to a doctor to get her anger problem looked at--which I myself had done at that point, for my own anger issues--and she made an equally lame excuse).

Hanging out with her has become increasingly less fun, as she never has any spending money, yet is always eager to volunteer to join me and other friends in going to a bar or a movie, just expecting that we'll pay for her. And sometimes she'd bring creepy, sketchy friends, who were the same way, so we would have multiple unemployed adults proudly declaring "I'm broke!" and just gleefully expecting us to buy them all drinks or food. I finally put my foot down and stopped buying her food or "covering for her" at outings.

There are other reasons I've begun to become fed up with her (like compulsive lying, and hanging out with really awful people like drug addicts and racists). Objectively speaking I should just cut ties altogether, but there's so much history, so many inside jokes, I don't want to do that.

Such an old post but I'm literally in the same situation my friend will not get a job will not get his license will not go to school just keeps making due from little jobs and his parents it's gotten to the point where I think there's something wrong with him there's no reason for someone to be so totally against putting their life together I'm done with the rides and favors and **** I've actually been quite **** recently trying to let him know that without a car or money you need to do something but he just chills with more and more kids like himself while still calling me just as much to hang I'm about ready just to lay down the law and tell him to **** off

I realize this post is old, but in case you are still in touch with your friend or if anyone else is in a similar situation - I hope what I'm about to say will help. Understand that many people are afraid of change and they'll put it off until it becomes more than "I'll do it tomorrow." It becomes a fear. It is also why people become defensive when you try to help them. They do not want to face the snake that is constricting their emotions and they would prefer to think it's not even there. It's no wonder they crumble when they're reminded of its presence. So when she says, "You don't know how hard it is for me," I don't think she's referring to her financial circumstances. It's her fear and she doesn't want to candidly admit out of embarrassment.
Alright, how do you help someone with a fear of swimming? You could throw them in or you could go swimming with them. Obviously, another fear in this situation is not having any skills to throw on a resume or past work experiences. You could help her build a background. Do volunteer work together maybe so she can "fill in the gaps" and gain references that can vouch for her effort. Not only are you spending time with her but you're also improving your resume as well. Baby steps...she would be forever grateful - at least I believe we praise the people that help us conquer our fears.

It's interesting, I haven't logged on in quite a while but I did and saw this...I actually have an entirely different problem with my friend now...I haven't seen her in person in almost a year because she is with who I suspect to be a very controlling and abusive boyfriend...She got with a guy who is 10 years older than us who also has no job, he was living in his car and after knowing him for a week, she had him move in with her at her parents house...her parents house went into foreclosure and they had to move out, she started talking to me less and less and would abruptly come up with lame excuses for why she needed to stop talking..I'm sure because he told her to stop talking to me. It has now been almost 3 months since the last time I was able to get ahold of her, I've even sent letters, she responded once to tell me about how great Joel (her BF) is and how happy they are and thats it...I have sent numerous ones she hasn't responded to. It is very worrying. The whole thing is a huge mess but thank you for taking the time to respond to an old post.

Those people have the odds in their favor.If you stop being her friend she will find another.Those kind of people end up getting a job,great guy and life and your stuck wondering how you lost your life.Do you and your friend a favor and focus on your man and life before you lose it.It happened to me,my buddie has a great life now and we don't even talk.I lost my women and house worrying about the same things.Your life first her last......bye bye

Erm...I think you need help.

Another thought is tell her what you posted here in a nicer more supporting way:<br />
' I drive you everywhere... Shouldn't you get a license?'<br />
' Your 20 don't beg for nail polish, earn money and buy it yourself...'<br />
' I've got a job, I think you should too.'<br />
' Reward yourself with freedom and get your own place like me!'<br />
' Computers are cool but why don't you stop staring at the screen?'<br />
' I'm your best friend but that doesn't mean you should take advantage of me. I love you, but you have to understand that being best friends right now is very difficult and I feel it's hard to stay that way. I need you to cooperate and help yourself and me...'<br />
'We're very close like sisters but sometimes I feel like your mother driving you around everywhere...'<br />
'You're not a jig saw puzzle so why is it my job to piece you back together?'

No, don't stop being friends with her because she doesn't understand the point of life... you have to guide her. And like you said earlier that her parents are struggling financially, make her aware of the situation. Show her how her life would end up if she continued to date money like that. Show her how to save money and only drive her to places that are nessacary such as super markets, doctors etc. Don't drive her to nail salons and fashion stores, that just encourages her to use her money un wisely. A poor chinese man that transports water earns up to 4 yuan a day to support his family, that is about 63 cents. Give her a dare or something and tell her to only spend 5 dollars in one day for meals and everything, make sure she wins something (not money) maybe a nice T-shirt so she is willing to compete. That would be a good start so she'll start spending less... (:

I'm grateful to everyone for their advice, but it's hard to convey how hopeless she is, seriously. She just doesn't want to do anything. At all. I liked your idea of having a little competition but shes the kind of person that would never do that. Seriously. If we were talking about a normal person that would be a good idea. Her problem is she refuses to see how bad other people have it. Last year during the summer her parents had their electricity shut off for a month and a half. She went and stayed with her brother for that time and it did nothing to wisen her up. It just gave her more ammo for when I come at her with the "Why don't you apply for jobs" argument..she just says "you don't know how hard it is for me" etc etc. She sort of makes her life into a pity party for herself, and I'm a bad friend if I suggest ANY of it is her fault...

I would stop being friends with her. The real world will get her sooner or later and mom and dad won't live forever.

That's what I always say..."What if mom and dad died in a car crash tomorrow, what would happen to you?" She just says "I know, I'll apply for jobs soon.." Soon never comes.

Don't drive her anywhere! Tell her to get a license and that you could teach her to drive? Only if she gets a job. Even getting one part time won't hurt. Can you talk to her mom about your concerns?

I CAN it's ridicoulous, her mother and I are very close, and I have emailed her numerous times pleading with her to help me, but she acts like it's a lost cause and I'm begining to agree with her...as soon as my friend throws a fit, her mother gives in and gives her what she wants...as long as shes doing that I'm not sure what I can even do...It just really hurts because I feel like shes throwing her life away...

OH I know someone like this, actually two. MY principal's step son in my secondary school dropped out of college recently and he is now 19. He had no life no degree no job no where to stay... So My principal gave him a job here at my school as a PE teacher and he isn't any good at all. The only reason he works here is to get a job and earn money because his step daddy is my principal, he doesn't even try at his 'job.' He simply has given up at life and during lunch he hangs out with the year 13's, a normal teacher wouldn't do that...<br />
MY second example is my mum's boss's daughter, Georgia. She's really pretty and wears the world's most disgusting clothes and gets drunk every night so obviously college wasn't as option for her so she started working at my mum's office helping around because her dad was my mother's boss. She didn't even try at her second chance of life, she still gets drunk every night and goes to parties all the time.<br />
I don't mean to offend your friend but I think the reason she does this is because she is a spoilt child, her mother showers her with expensive luxury and she doesn't understand how to live without heaps of money. My mum showed Georgia what poor people lived in China, (I live in China), she showed her all the little huts and rusty bicycles, beggars with no arms, people harvesting rude on fields, children sweeping restaurant floors etc. The next day Georgia got her act together and started working hard and earning money... I think you need to show your friend what the real world is like and how she'll end up if she continued to not try in life...<br />
Hope I'm not too demanding and mean to you and your friends, and hope this actually helped (:

I know what you mean by showing her the real world, but the sickening thing is her parents don't have that much money, they just blow it all on meaningless things (like clothes, jewelry, makeup) Her parents are about to lose their house because instead of paying their bills they waste their money...