Older Man Relationship

I've spent my entire  dating life single, no sexual experience, no sex, until now, my mid twenties. It happened to be with an older man in his forties who really intrigued me from the start. He eventually over the course of a year as friends has fallen deeply in love with me, and my feelings are not exactly matched with his, but I cannot say they don't exist either. He is very pleasant and I have alot of respect and sexual desire for him, but I don't know if I had that earth shattering feeling I was hoping to have initially with a first relationship. I have a feeling in my gut that I should move on but I really don't think I could ever find anyone quit like him. I don't fall in love very easily and am very shy and am off the dating radar quite frequently, and am admittedly very picky about the personalities of guys, so this is a hard one from me to move on from, but it might be best for him, and best for me.
  At the very least I was wondering if we should take time off and just be friends. As I am in my twenties, life is quite different, 80% of the time I feel connected with him, and the other %20 percent I feel a world away, like there is an age gap that is surfacing just now. My life is chaotic, his is calm and he never seems to worry, which eases my natural anxiety, while my life sort of brings him flavor and excitement Im assuming. I love and care for him, but love is enough is this case? I almost wished I had started this process sooner because after all the sexual stuff we've done I feel so close to him and comfortable, like one of a pair, which is a very intoxicating and new feeling for me. When I've tried to confront it, I end up sobbing  in front of him, and he just holds me and tells me it'll be ok and he wants to see me travel and do the things and follow my dreams even if he's not in it. His maturity is just unreal. I have so much respect for that. It hurts so much and it'd be nice to have some advice to emotionally cope with this :) Even just a kind word.
 I know I need to do the things in life I set out to do so in the end I'll be happier, but there's always that part of you that wonders whether you are making the wrong choice. Even that dream of going out into the wide world seems financially impossible at the moment, so it's making this even harder to deal with because were still close friends and see each other every week or twice a week. I wanna fly, but it seems hopeless without money, and I don't want to drag him along if he doesn't want to come. I think I know the answer to my own question but any kind words or funny responses would be appreciated to make this a little easier. How does one come to terms with the idea of having had multiple partners in their lifetime? I get so attached. Lately I find myself not even interested or attracted to anyone, anywhere, except him.  The idea of having sex with anyone else makes me feel a little sick. Thanks :)
Ladyladypie Ladyladypie
2 Responses May 15, 2012

Honestly, I think this is just a case of a first true love. They are always the hardest to get over, and most people experience it in high school. I know it is hard to understand, especially being shy but you will meet others that you like. If your gut feeling is telling you to move on, there is probably a reason it is telling you that. I would at least take some time off and try to go out and socialize more. Meet some new people, who knows, someone may surprise you when you least expect it.

The damage is already done. It cannot be easily reversed. So, you need to keep going until you feel this is not going well. Even if you try to reverse at this stage you will feel more miserable. So, instead of worrying and not enjoying what you have in hand. Just take it easy, relax and enjoy the life with him.