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Daddy Issues

Ever since I was 7 my step-dad was emotionally abusive, and was someone who was very quick to get angry. Even over little minor things, like accidently dropping a cup while washing the dishes and it breaking. I was honestly scared of him my whole life. And to this day if someone yells, it brings back terrible memories, and I start feeling incredibly anxious and nervous.Throughout 15 years of living with him, I can't honestly say that he ever once told me he loved me, nor had he ever given me a hug. I would try and hug him, to try and form a relationship with him, but I gave up at the age of 11. My biological father I have never met, I am 18 soon to be 19. I was told by several family members that he was extremely physically abusive, and mentally unstable. So this is where my problem begins, and I would genuinely appreciate any advice because I don't know who to talk to about this.

I will be starting my Sophomore year of college in a couple months, and I would love more than anything to have a healthy, long-term committed relationship with a guy. However, I just internally freak out when a guy tries to get close to me. I've had a few guys try and kiss me this past year, but I just can't do it. I always turn my head, even though I really want to. I had my first kiss this year, yes, at the age of 18. This might sound weird but I don't know how to let a man love me, and it scares me. I want to get over this, this is a big problem. I'm not close to anyone, except my one best friend who I've known for 13 years. I can't even kiss someone I really like, without turning my head and dodging them. And it's not even their fault...it's mine. And I feel so awful, because I feel like I drag a guy through hell. I want to change. I don't want to be like this anymore. I realize this is a fear I have to get over, and not all guys are bad like the father figures I have had. Do you think it would be a good idea to try therapy, or counseling? Please help me.

            Sincerely,
            -ria


trussmm05 trussmm05 18-21 8 Responses May 16, 2012

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hi ria just reading what you wrote i have two step children who have now grown up and three of my own i have treat them all the same my unlike you it was my real father who was violent and abusive i went into care when i was only 3 for a year then back into care when i was 10 my mother later remarried he was a caring and loving person you need to talk to some one to work through this if you dont it will eat you up inside the pain never goes but time really is a great healer i tried suicde when i was young it then that i got the counselling and support that i needed dont feel sad for me as now i have a wonderful family and stable loving relationship with my partner and all my children so please seek the professional help you need you will come through this it will be long and some times painfull but you will come out of it a happier person good luck from a friend in uk

Seems you're suffering from a trauma. Don't be afraid to try counseling or consulting a psychiatrist.

You can not let a man love you if you are having a trauma like that. First, go for a counseling. Second, don't pressure yourself too much. Third, find a guy that would understand you, someone who would always be there to protect you. If you already find that someone, just let him love you in his own ways.

Since you're asking the question you're almost done with the problem. You're not damaged, you're just inexperienced with good or loving relationships. You're also afraid of rejection. That makes you vulnerable to people who might want to use you. But, now that you're really focusing on the problem, try to view it from a different perspective. Perhaps you need to forgive your stepfather.



By looking at his behavior rationally, you'll see that he didn't have the capacity to offer love to you. He was stunted emotionally. How that happened is anyone's guess, but you need to see him for the unhappy person he is. That he could not care for a child who needed him means he was (is) the emotional cripple, not you. Trust that there is a part of him that realizes that. He is the one suffering and he will the rest of his life.



I'll put this another way; your emotional demons need to be put in a bottle with a label and the ingredients clearly marked. Concentrate on what he appears to be in rational and dispassionate manner. Put him under a microscope and see the yelling giant as the emotionally brittle angry child he is (was). He can't affect you once you have annualized the emotional trap he is in. His cruelty was out of fear. And you have to recognize his fears and feel sorry for him, not angry at him. You can forgive even a demon if you have firmly placed him in the bottle. There is no escape from that bottle. He will no longer affect you.



Once you have him in that bottle, you'll emerge from yours. Then you can allow love to happen. Just be careful that your need doesn't overwhelm common sense. You are not damaged goods. Take it easy. You really are a whole human being, just part of you is still bottled up. Let go.



JH

It might be a good idea to talk to someone like a counsellor or a friend.



To an extent, I know what you're going through. You just have to realize that all men are not the same. If you meet a guy that you like, why not start out as friends? When you get closer, confide in him about your past.



It might be a good idea to make some male friends, just so you can be more comfortable around men. Hang around with a gay guy! When you start to learn that not all men will be abusive or mean, it will make it easier to be around them.



You don't have to push yourself into a relationship because you think you should be in one. Let yourself heal first.



I also suggest taking a self defence class. You might not face physical violence, but knowing that you can defend yourself is very empowering and will help you to feel more confident.

it is a hardspot you are in

i can be a friend and i do understand a lot of what you are talking about

i know we spent a lot of time even before i left home trying to understand the triggers in my head and lean them and we did have a good hand on them when something happened and excpet to give my parenst a bank book and to get my short wave radio and for them to sign the paper work over to my friends mother



you can feel free to talk with me about any thing i do nt spread rummors or share secrets

This same thing happend to me!He abused me all the time but one day i got the balls to stand up to him He is very scary and he yellls like a drill sargent I was so scared but i did it and i know you can do it too.If you need any help or anything call my at 503-592-9069.and im not some weird chick i promise i went through the same **** hun.I can help you<3

You should try to go to counseling with a doctor.You said its your fault but its not. Its your step dad. Take things slow. Talk to your boyfriend about it. Maybe start out holding hands, then hugging. then a kiss on the cheek, then a quick kiss on then lip? Maybe write a letter to your step dad about it. You don't have to ever give it to him.

Whatever guy you try to get close to, he needs to understand your past. You may try communicating to that person in the beginning that you want to take things slow, and overtime open up to him about why you need to take things slow. If he get's angry about it, then he isn't worth your time. He probably was not looking for a healthy relationship to begin with.