Divorce

My wife and I are separated and I need advice. We have a complicated situation. I work out of town and I am usually gone 3 to 4 weeks before I get a week off so most of our relationship is on the phone and skype. I love her more than anything but she has issues, she is Bi-polar and has been on many medications. We nearly got divorced 8 months ago, she was on a drug called Topomax, that made her angry all the time. Now she is on Lithium she seemed stable, but the dosage was recently upped and she has changed.

Her mother is mentally abusive and try's to dominate her she did not want her to move out when we got married. My mother in law talked my wife into staying there to live with them, supposedly to reduce the strain on her 8 year old son. That was three months of hell. We finally got out and things were good for about a year.

That's the set up the real problem started about two months ago. My wife and I had a regular schedule of talking on the phone she called in the morning on the way to work, at lunch, on her way to pick up her son in the afternoon, and then after he went to bed we skyped. She would call and text at other times but those were the guaranteed times. I started noticing a change she would call less, talk shorter times, have things to at lunch and get off skype early. I asked if something was wrong she said no she was just tired and busy.

Then one day the mother in law decided to buy her grandson his first bike I was out of town as usual, my father in law was busy. Normally in this situation she would call me to walk her through the process. She instead calls an "old friend" from face book, he comes over to house to put the bike together. When she was telling me about it she seemed strange, nervous, and made a point of saying "This is the first time I have talked to him in forever I had to look his number up on facebook." This seemed odd to me, that she made a specific point of saying she had not talked to him in "Forever".I thought on it for few days and it just kept bothering me, she seemed so different.

I made the mistake of doing some snooping through the phone records and found she had been talking to the guy almost everyday for a month. She would call him at lunch and at other times when she told me she was busy. One particular night they talked for 45 minutes after she told me she was going to bed, with the call ending at midnight she would never stay up that late for me. And it hurt me when i put the fact together that for the month she seemed to tired or busy to talk she was talking to this guy.

If you only have so much time shouldn't the bulk of it go to your spouse. When I asked her about it she said he was just an old friend he was going through a breakup and his mother had died and she was trying to be a good friend. She swore it was nothing more and she would not talk to him anymore. I made the point would it bother you if the roles were reversed and I was the one lying about the contact she said of course it would.

Luckily I got a three weeks off right at that time and came home and we had a wonderful few weeks. One thing I forgot to mention, when she said she would not contact him anymore she said "I wont talk to him on the phone anymore I will just talk to him on facebook." This made me angry I wanted her to break off contact all together, but I tried to accept it as a reasonable compromise.

During that time I noticed she was on facebook a lot . She seemed to be guarding her phone. At one point while on the laptop she did whatever she did ,closed the laptop laid it down on the desk,  took three steps away, then went back started it back up, and logged out of facebook. As far as I know she never did that always stayed logged on. I never tried to hack her account or get her phone to check up on it, as I felt this was crossing the line.

When I am home we normally do everything as family but there where a few occasions were she either wanted me to go run an errand by my self or she wanted to go by herself. I kept thinking you are still gun shy reading into things. During this time she was a sweet as ever always telling me how great I was, how wonderful it was to have me home. We visited my family twice during that time, something we never did, every family event centered around her side of the family. So while i was suspicious of a few things, I was lulled into a sense that everything was fine.

Then I had to leave for work again, and I started to feel her drifting away . This weekend was going to be particularly busy as she had to work half a day on Saturday, and was taking her son to a concert in the evening. Plus the water park on Sunday I resigned myself to a weekend of little or no contact.

When these times come up I get grumpy, I work alone all day and her calls are the only contact with other humans I get. Plus she is my favorite human. Every call or text brightens up my day!

Friday night her son was going to spend the night with his Grandmother a very rare occurrence as she refuses to babysit. She had promised she would spend extra time with me on skype, friday night to make up for the busy weekend. But then she had to go grocery shopping she called two hours later and said, oh well, I put up the groceries up, and ate while I watched the news. Normally she talks to me while eating chomping away in my ear so loud I have to turn the volume down. So now she says, she is just really tired and needs a nap. I got angry at losing the only time we had. Then the grandmother called, and she has to go pick up her son as he is crying and wants to come home. We skyped for a few minutes when she got back, then they went to bed.

So the next day I keep thinking whats up and Like the snoop I am, I check the phone records, and her buddy had texted in the middle of the busy period at 7:35pm. It angered me one because she promised no phone contact and two it seemed coincidental that the contact would occur on a night when she was alone in the house and telling me she was busy. So i texted her and asked is anything going on. She called me and said, "What do you mean?" I said "Did your buddy text you last night" She said "No,,,, We are done, I cant do this any more, you are mean to me, you are mean to my son I will leave the keys to your car and your ring on the counter and go to moms" I was shocked I offered to work it, talk it out she refused. I was in a stupor totally shocked.

I asked "How long have you felt like this?"  She said "About a year." So apparently during the same time I was her rock her world her everything she secretly hated me.

I wondered how one text and my questioning of it could set off so much drama. Then I refreshed the phone records and saw that they had texted four times that morning BEFORE, I confronted her about the text from the previous night. After breaking up with me the phone records show she called her mom then HIM. Why HIM if nothings going on?

Keep in mind for three weeks before this I have been waiting on her hand and foot, cooking the meals, picking the kid up at school, doing all the things that stressed her out. She was feeling bad, sore back, and I made her sit in the recliner with a heating pad on her back rubbed ben gay on her, even though I hate that crap. Massaged her back fetched things for her so she would not have to get up.

She showered me with praise telling me, she never has to tell me anything I just do what she needs.

Her son was really misbehaving a lot during this period and on four or five occasion I would have to take her to the other room and hug her while she would cry, and she would say she wanted to run away and not be a mom anymore. But she uses me being mean to her son as an excuse for leaving. While we are at it a word or two on his behavior he was swearing like a sailor on xbox live saying FU you SOB but using the real words I told him he could not talk like that and would have to get off the xbox. Then he starts saying, "He is an idiot i have to talk to him like that".

I have only been a stepfather for two years and had no father of my own so i don't always know the right thing to say. I said "You are an idiot for letting him get to you like that, mute him, or take your headphones off" Then he screams and runs at me like he was going to attack me. His mom stepped in and took him in the bathroom to try and calm him down. I went to the back porch and tried to calm down myself. She brought him out and he offered a halfhearted apology. I apologized as well. Then he went in the house and got on his computer and almost immediately started flipping out because it was running slow. He starts banging on it and swearing. His mom says "OFF NOW.' He slams the laptop closed as hard as he can and looks at her and says FU but the real words. This was one of the occasions I had to comfort her. I wish in hindsight i had not called him an idiot just said don't be silly or something. I am not perfect.

She broke it off with me 1:45pm, she made it to the concert that night by 5:30pm, in that  period she was able to buy a new sim card for the phone I bought her, and move everything out of our apartment. And I do mean everything beds, dressers, recliner the only things she left were my guns, clothes and my tv. Of course she took the wedding ring it cost me $5000 and i still owe $1800 on it

She deleted and blocked me from Facebook changed her status to single. I tried text her but I saw the phone records never updated past 2:10pm her last call to HIM. I thought she must have turned her phone off I texted and hoping she would turn it back on and get my texts. Then I found the receipt from were she had purchased a new sim card at 2:54pm. The receipt had her new number listed on it.

I am so hopelessly in love I still want her back. I did not harass her on facebook before she deleted me I posted one word, "Please". I did not call her parents house or show up there because I did want to scare her. She knows i have a lot of guns and I was afraid she would get worried and call the cops. By the way I would not hurt her or anyone I like to shoot paper not people I don't even hunt. I have never hit her, never yelled a her, never called her any names. She has no reason to fear me.

Every one tells me to give her space and she will come to her senses.

When I found her new number on the receipt, I did not call, I knew she would reject it. I texted and said "I am in town you should call me I would like to see you before I leave. I understand if you don't want to. I do love you always and forever. I hope he can make you happy."

She replied "There is no HE. NO I don't want to see you sorry."

I said I want my ring back. No reply that was 12 hours ago.

I have been up for 48 hours cant sleep, took two pain pills an hour ago hoping it would knock me out, no luck. I drove eight hours saturday to try and catch her at our apartment so I could talk to her and hopefully stop her from leaving, and I found all the stuff packed up and moved out. I started cleaning and packing at 12:00am and spent all day moving my stuff to a storage locker by my self.

Finally got everything packed up and went a motel for the night, and i just killed a bedbug in the only hotel room I could find in town. I stay in motels all the time for my work and have never saw a bedbug, it had to be the motel closest to my house in my hometown that had bedbugs! GRRR!

Tomorrow I will have to drive 8 hours back to my work site and try to catch up for three days lost work.

And all I am really worried about is if she will want me back.

My questions are, What the hell should I do?

I want her back. But I know I could not trust her. And she probably will never call me. If I ambush her at work or home and try to make her talk, I am just going to drive her away right?

Am I a spying ******* for checking the phone records?

Did I overact to nothing? But given the time frame of the move it had to have been started before she even told me we were done, Right?

The only thing I know to do is go back to work and give her some space and hope she decides she wants me back.

So you tell me am I wrong? Seems like something more than a text  is going on here. And keep in mind one week ago I was a knight in shining armor and this week I am the dragon!

Any ideals thoughts or anything are appreciated need fresh perspectives from someone other than friends and family
dkf7919 dkf7919
31-35
May 21, 2012