Fear

I have some basic fears that I think are pretty normal. I am afraid to lose my family, or any of my friends. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid that I will never meet my own expectations for myself.

But what I am most afraid of, that has rendered me stuck in a unique dilemma, is the fear that I will never find love.

I don’t have much reason to believe that I’ll never fall in love, I like how I look, and I make friends easily, but my mind does terrible things when left to its own devices. I second guess myself all of the time.

I am a 22 year old virgin who has never had a boyfriend, and that part of myself contradicts who I want to be. I don’t blame the way I look and I don’t blame the men in this world, but I cannot help but blame myself.

Here is my excuse. I believe that I can’t be intimate with someone unless I love them. But, this can also translate into I am afraid of intimacy. I also believe that I can read people pretty well and if I don’t feel like we won’t last in a relationship, I won’t try and enter into one. A.K.A, I’m afraid to take risks and I judge too quickly. There are two very convincing sides to my argument. My fear of being wrong has stopped me from testing either one.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to think I’m brave. If there is something I want, I will go after it. I don’t always know what I want though so I’m often left wondering what I should be doing to fulfill my need for a purpose. So I think that if I’m not doing something, fulfilling some goal, then I am wasting my time here. And maybe I am, but consequently when will I ever get the chance to sit and relax, appreciating what I have. At the same time, how can I do that if I’m always dreaming of what could be?

I don’t know what it will take to get me to let loose and fall in love. Will it be taking a risk and giving someone a chance, will it be stepping outside of my boundaries and letting someone get close, or will it be just meeting the right guy?

I’m afraid that I will wait my whole life to start living and to start loving.

I just want to stop being afraid…
thinkstoomuch1234 thinkstoomuch1234
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 17, 2012

Have you ever heard of the saying, "I'm my own worst enemy". Give yourself a break. Life zooms by. Love yourself and find your purpose in life. My suggestion is to find something to do which helps others. Focus on others rather than yourself. Living life is always best when you're helping others. Everything else will fall into place. Have a great life.

Young lady, there will come a time when all of this will fall into place. For sure, when in or entering a relationship, in order for it to succeed, one must allow themselves to be vulnerable. Absolutely that opens oneself to being hurt, yet if you do not allow this, you will never fully expose yourself to allow the other person to completely accept you. It is not truly lying, yet it is a form of deception and will not benefit anyone.

You will know when the time is right.