Help Me Please
I really wish sometimes that I had better friends. Not that my friends aren't wonderful it's just I guess that they're too busy with what's going on in their own lives to care about what's going on in mine. I really feel like I'm the person that's there for everyone, and in the end no one is there for me. Lately I've been having a lot of feelings of anxiety and suicide and depression. I'm not trying to look for attention I just don't know how to handle everything that I'm feeling. I guess being 15 is a hard age no matter who you are or where you live and that I will eventually get through it, but at the time It's a lot easier said than done. Throughout my life I've had many problems with my dad. I always felt like he didn't love me, partly because he I guess didn't know how to handle his own problems and turned to alcohol to comfort him, and also because he never knew how to be a father. I feel like every time I'm around my dad he could suddenly blow up on me, yelling and screaming at me for things I can't control like he always does. It makes it hard because I feel like I have to be perfect all the time, and if I'm not my life will become a living hell at the fault of someone that's supposed to love and care for me. My mom knows my dad is an alcoholic but she depends on him for so much that she could never leave him. This causes my brother and I to be stuck in an abusive home that we can never really feel safe in. A lot of the times when my parents are yelling and fighting I get really worried because I'm scared my dad is hurting my mom. Luckily he never has, but that doesn't stop me from being paranoid. Every time they get in a big fight my mom always acts like she's going to do something about it and stand up for herself, but in the end she never does. I've gotten used to his cycle. I guess other than my dad, my life was alright until seventh grade. I got bullied very badly and had to leave my school. I really wanted to kill myself because I thought nothing could ever get better, but I was lucky because things got a lot better in eighth grade in regards to friends. I met a lot of new people my eighth grade year and for that I am very grateful, but coming from a sheltered private school and being thrown into a giant public school I didn't know how to handle myself. I got faced with a lot of pressures such as drugs and alcohol and eventually I got into doing those type of things. I kept my grades at all A's and put off a front that everything was perfect in my life and that I would never touch drugs but really inside I felt like i was falling apart again. I couldn't handle my problems and every time I was upset I turned to drugs to make me forget about everything. My parents never knew what was going on. They were too busy with their own lives to care or even notice what was going on in mine. I had never really known what it was like for a boy to like me and in eighth grade that changed. Boys started talking to me and it finally made me feel pretty. I was too wrapped up in the fact that someone cared about me that I didn't see what i was becoming. I didn't know how to say no to boys and I got pressured into doing things i wasn't comfortable with or ready for. Ever since sixth grade I had really liked this boy named Josh. I never thought he would have feelings for me because my self esteem wasn't and still isn't very high and I never thought I would deserve a guy like him, but never the less I still spent a lot of time with him. I introduced him to my friend Lexi and told her how I felt about him. She promised me she would never do anything with him and I trusted her so much because I truly thought she was the one person that I could tell everything to and that she truly cared about me. I later found out that she had sex with him behind my back. That absolutely broke my heart. I didn't know what to do and turned to cutting. I thought maybe that he didn't like me because I was fat or too tall for him. I started making myself throw up. I tried to distance myself from Lexi but in the end I really thought she was sorry and I let her back into my life little by little and we became very close again. Last night Lexi and I were together. Tony decided to come over and we all stated to drink. We didn't have very much but within about thirty minutes Tony and Lexi started to hook up. I was sitting right next to them. They started having sex in the same bed i was trying to sleep in right next to me. I could not believe this was happening. She had promised me she would never do anything like that ever again and she did, right in front of me. I started crying and walked out of the room to sleep on the couch. In the morning Lexi pretended like she had no idea what happened and that she would never do anything like that, but I knew different. I left her house. When I got home I just started to cry. I feel broken and shattered again and I don't know what to do. I feel like no one would care if I died, but I know I wouldn't kill myself. A lot of the time I wish I was never born. Thank you for listening to me. It means a lot.