My Heart Does One Thing, My Mind Does Another...

I need advice...I have a new girlfriend, met through a mutual friend, shes great, so many things in common, met her family, friends, haven`t had sex yet tho, that really does not matter as of yet...then this is my problem.. The girl I`m in love with, the girl I`ve slept with, whom I saw a future with, who said she only wanted to be friends, because she just needs her friend back right now... wanted to have lunch today, with another female friend and her sister, I drove them, paid for lunch and we talked, smiled, laughed...my heart was at ease, seeing her kept me calm, I wanted to ask a million questions, wanted to kiss her, hug her, go back to a time where everything was perfect...but I didn`t tell her anything, or show any serious emotions, I did not even hug her or look her in the eyes at all the entire time...then after I drove them home, she said bye, I said bye and I left as fast as I could to go see my girlfriend, we kissed, hung out, and then went to meet her friends, we had dinner, then went to meet more friends, had coffees, laughed, smiled, I drove her home, kissed her and text ed her as I left... I felt emotionless and like a jackass, I don`t know why I`m doing this, I care for one, yet am using the other to feel something more...this is not like me at all, this one day at a time thing is not working, my heart hurts, its killing me that I can not talk to either one about each other, or this monster I`ve clearly become...and I`m a smart guy, I know its a matter of time before either one finds out what I`m doing...deleting text messages, phone calls, clearing history from computer, locking my cell phone, hiding behind a fake smile and dangerous thoughts that are confusing every judgment I make. I`m lying and have become so deceitful...it makes me sick, yet I also feel scared, if I come clean, I will clearly lose both or maybe just one...yet my mind does not feel guilty it feels lively, it wants to see how far it can push me, till I break down and become nothing once again...I`m asking for help, advice, some sort of reasoning to save me...all I ask is to be saved from what I`m doing...
1986Scott 1986Scott
22-25, M
Nov 25, 2012