Commitment Is A *****

I can't commit to anything.
I don't know what I wan't to be when I grow up; although I am earning a degree in English so that I can be a teacher, I really can't see myself doing anything forever.
Forever; such as strong word.
I go through guys like they are my mother's homemade Cinnamon Rolls. And I don't mean that I sleep with them, or do all those other physical things. I just mean that I never get past the beginning phase. I can go on a date; but when they bring up the word "boyfriend", I start to get nervous. Some people are afraid of marriage, but I am afraid of any commitment whatsoever. Obligation overrides the butterflies I should feel in my stomach, and I am texting him only because I feel like I have lead him on too much to back out. I lead guys on, and then I run away. But it's not without good intentions. I truly feel like it will work, but it never does.
I wan't to have a cute, long lasting relationship that people will envy. But I also love being single. I love being able to look at whoever I want without feeling guilty. I love hanging out with my girlfriends. And lastly, and most importantly, I love myself. Sometimes I don't like talking to people, and I don't like being social. I hate the obligation of having to force conversation when you are not in the mood to talk. The only people who I don't get tired of are my family. My mom says that when you fall in love, you won't get tired of someone. That he will find a way to make me laugh, even when I don't want to. That he will feel like family. My best guy friend likes me, and I thought I liked him too, but since our relationship has changed from friends to romance, I find it harder to hang out with him. Because I feel pressure. The pressure drives me insane and I can hardly sleep at night. Because even though he is my best friend, there are still things I haven't told him about me. And I feel like I am obligated to open up if we date. It would kill me if I hurt him, but I always hurt the people I care about in relationships. It's just how I am wired.
I told him this too. I told him that I was dangerous, but he won't listen.
My mother say's that it's a defense mechanism;that I am pushing him away because I am scared. But I don't feel scared, I just feel like I want to be alone and find my Prince Charming some other time. I feel like I am not ready to do this.
I feel like the more someone knows about you, the more power they have over you. I hate feeling vulnerable. My friends are mad at me because they see me as the "Pretty Girl". They have seen countless guys chase after me, and have watched me throw it away over and over again. At least you have guys wanting to be with you, they say. And they are right.
I am a stupid, foolish woman. Does anyone else feel the way I do?
Lismit13 Lismit13
18-21, F
Dec 3, 2012