Do They Have A Gun!?

I am constantly, especially in the past few years, OVERLY paranoid about break-ins, freak kidnappings, crazy stick-ups and robberies, my car being broken in to, and someone walking in randomly somewhere I am and start shooting. I think about it every day and sometimes can't sleep over it. A softball bat sits beside my bed, a club at my door, a gun in my bedside table, a taze gun in my purse along with pepper spray. If I leave a grocery store, post office, or anywhere going to my car with people around or not, I keep my keys gripped in my hand with the metal sticking between my fingers so they can be used as a weapon.... this isn't only at night, it's ALL the time. Today, I was at the hospital to take a family member to get some tests done and I had my back to the door. I heard the door open and I just closed my eyes and my whole neck and shoulders tensed, waiting for a bullet to go through my back.

I won't go outside after dark alone or without some kind of BRIGHT light - and I live in the sticks! I just know someone is going to come running from behind a tree and kidnap, rape, and then kill me. Even after I go to bed, I must have some kind of light on in the house, and keep the porch light on. I have this issue with everyone, everywhere. I'm uncomfortable sitting at a red light exactly next to someone because they may shoot me through my glass. I always look for someone to have a gun if I have to move over in traffic and they didn't seem too happy about it.

When I work, I have to keep my cell phone in my pocket in case there is a freak shooting and I end up having to call 911 (which I have gotten in trouble for more than once at past jobs - and I didn't use it, they could just tell I had it in my pocked (outline). I practice in my head what I would say in that situation if it ever happened. I watch behind my back everywhere I go. When I went to the restroom in the mall yesterday, I thought "What would happen if someone broke in here right now with a gun and busted open every stall? Where could I get where they wouldn't find me?"

I honestly feel like this has taken over a lot of my life. I have thought about a "service" or therapy animal of sorts. I don't know if this could be considered a mental "disability". I have been treated for anxiety for several years since my parents got divorced and don't have money or insurance for a psychiatrist.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of someone breaking in through my window and kidnapping me. This is literally an everyday weight on my shoulders. What can I do about it!?
mkingsbury10 mkingsbury10
26-30, F
Dec 15, 2012