Drama Free...until Now.

(Let's call him...Nate) We never got extremely close but we were still close enough. (meaning that we were friends but our friendship never got to turn into us being really good friends because we seemed to like each other at different points in our friendship that didn't allow us to become closer due to conflicts in our feelings. I'll start off with stupid me when I liked his ******* of a friend and ended up hurting Nate. I mean, Nate can be an ******* at times too but he knows his and other people's limits. We were still friends but we texted less but still hung out every weekend with everyone. Nate and I have this 'friendship' where we make fun of each other and bicker and when his friend was acting distant and weird, I found myself slowly developing feelings for Nate. But, after I got into a official relationship with his friend, I kept back all feelings for him and devoted myself to my boyfriend. In the end I got broken up with and that's when I realized how stupid I was for not choosing Nate.

I heard stories on how he would talk to our friends on how he liked me and how our mutual friends wished I liked him back. I felt horrible for ever making him feel that way but I soon knew what that felt like because a few weeks before my break up, he started fating this older girl. But, things didn't work out after a month. Then him and I start doing our bickering and teasing again. I started to really like him but then this other older girl came into the picture and he started liking her but I got pissed off. I know I didn't have the right to be considering what I did. So, I tried my best to hold back. But, one day I just couldn't take it. They were flirting so much that I just got up from my seat and left the room. (this was at my house)

So, my brother (who was also there) told me later that Nate got up from the back of the room where he and the other girl was and walked to where everyone else was and asked where I was. He told Nate that I went upstairs and Nate just sat in the seat I was sitting in earlier, leaving the other girl in the back alone. This confused me A LOT. He stopped liking her after that day. My brother said it's because of me but I still don't know if that's true. So we went back to bickering but at that point, we stopped texting altogether. Things began to change when our group was breaking apart and so when I started to hang out with them again, we started joking around like the usual...except he started to really like this other girl. I knew I didn't stand a chance. He loves her way more than he ever liked me because they are still dating after half a year.

We still bicker and joke around from time to time and it's hard not to have those feelings and I just wonder if he still feels them too sometimes. It's weird because I know he loves this girl and he deserves to be happy but throughout this whole year of knowing him, we've always had this weird friendship where we like each other at times when the other doesn't share the same feelings/needs. It's just that recently, I hung out with him again after months of not talking and I still have those feelings. I never thought about him because it was like 'outta sight, outta mind' but spending time with him really made me miss him. I couldn't help but wonder if he still has those feelings for me because just the way he looks at me sometimes....kinda gives me hope but I know that if he did, he would push it behind him because him and this girl are pretty serious.

This experience definitely taught me to think really long and hard about who to choose between and to not be so stupid. But, now my thoughts on "What if" keep filling my mind and it's hard to shake these feelings for him. Once you develop feelings for another person do they truly ever just go away? This is our last year of high school so this is why it's bothering me so much. I may not ever talk or see any of them after this year and I can't help but feel regret for what happened.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 20, 2013