Confused And Hurt

When I started dating my wife she was dating another man also.It wasn't easy but I forced her to make a choice.we eventually got married & everything seemed fine.since we have been married our biggest fights has been that she hasn't let him go.I asked for copies of her phone records and she has called him several times.yes wrong but I looked at her email & a few months ago she discussed to him about divorcing me and hopefully reconnecting with him.I bring up all this and all she does is complain that I am snooping.I work nightshift at times and dayshift sometimes on weekends.I do my best to not be a clingy insecure type of person.she acts like we have a great marriage and she tells me she loves me all the time.I snooped on her phone and found she looked up his address.while I was working did she go inside his house or just drive by? she said they had a good friendship and she doesn't believe it should end.I explained for our marriage to survive she has to end it and she agreed.she has a computer and phone and her job.I don't believe it has stopped.she says she has talked to him but it has only been work related.I don't believe it.we have a good marriage except for this part.I can only take so much before I get angry and believe she is cheating and go out & cheat too.I have explained to her all about emotional affairs and staying emotionaly attached to someone.nothing gets thru to her.I don't wanna cheat but the more I find where she looks at his job website, phone records, ect. I will cheat out of anger and hurt.at least it will feel like I am not being used.by the way I have explained to her that out of respect for our marriage I have no contact with from my past and can honestly say its true.I fell in love with her and want only her.but I feel she has brought him into our marriage.she never let him go and I am confused on what to do.this consumes me daily.
soconfused67 soconfused67
41-45, M
3 Responses Jan 21, 2013

That's terrible. I really wish she could see what a kind hearted husband she has, because there are alot of women out there who would love to have a devoted husband like you. She is the lucky one. Just remember, never make someone a priority who doesn't make you theirs.

Yeah she prove to you that she can't be trusted. As much as it hurts. Get out. Divorce her fast as you can. And lose all contact with her. She doesnt love you if she's doing this.

Take a break.
Really - move out , give each other space and literally take a break from each other and this 'sham' that your marriage seems to be turning into. And then see what happens. If she really does care enough to make your marriage work, she'll find it in her to let go of the emotional residue she's carrying (either on her own or through counseling etc...). And if not, then you're better off on your own.
Right now, you're like the 'third person' in your own marriage - the guy who's hanging around wondering what he's doing and the guy who your wife is looking at and wondering what to do with. And that shouldn't be the case because she married you - I am assuming, out of her own free will. And if she wants release from a marriage she's not happy with, she needs to either work with you at making it work or take a decision and walk out. Cheating is not an option.
So take a break. And then ask her what she wants to do. And if she says she wants out, let her go.
But please - stop living this dysfunctional life. You deserve better!