Am I Out of Line Needing Affection From My Wife?

Amazingly, I've found myself in a marriage with someone whom I adore, but apparently isn't a fan of affection or sex.

It wasn't always like this. When we started out, we were all over each other. When I ask her about that now, she says that things were simpler then and she had less on her mind. She says that she was "going through the motions" of what she thought she needed to do or that I wanted her to do. WTF?

First, I am very aware of where some of my needs come from. I was a child of divorce and never really felt loved by my parents after that - they went on to start over and pretty much left my brother and I to figure things out on our own. That said, I went into adulthood looking for the family I never had. Got married young, started a family, etc.

So now I'm in this situation where I can't get my wife to show me any affection at all. She claims that it's because she doesn't require affection (I am VERY affectionate with her and do things for her all the time), so she doesn't know how to give it. Oooookay. She does have self-esteem issues and it probably comes from her being adopted as a baby and never feeling like she fit in anywhere.

I've actually spelled it out for her by telling her that I simply want to feel that she loves me and respects me and cares about me. Pretty simple stuff - a kiss on the cheek, holding my hand, giving me a hug, etc.

Yes, this includes lovemaking as well. She's not interested. My theory is that she has some mental block that keeps her from opening up to me and truly BEING THERE when we make love. There have been several times when she has had a few drinks (nothing major) where her inhibitions (i.e., mental block) fall and she's right there with me, affectionate, loving, caring, passionate.

So what do I make of that? I feel that it's the real her, but she claims later that she doesn't remember much and doesn't know what she was thinking or how she got there. It's very confusing (and hurtful) to me since these are the greatest times we've had together. I'm torn.

Anyone else experience this? Am I wrong to need or demand affection? It seems really awkward to have to demand affection from my own freakin' wife. Oy.
SpringForward2k8 SpringForward2k8
41-45, M
Jun 28, 2007