....

Yet another pathetic plea for help from me.

 

Just in case you some how managed to miss my mountain of misery recently, and my bitching about how bad things have gotten, this are **** right now.

 

My mum attempted suicide again last week. I have screwed my heart up. Eating disorders and self harm are back with a vegence.

Tomorrow I have my case conference for therapy. I have to present to the group an account of my life with all its misery. A time line, so to say, of all the ****. Just writing it now is so ******* hard. Putting it all on paper. Page of misery, or **** memories, of things Ive worked so hard to forget. I have 15 minutes for that, then we all talk about it. Then they vote in front of me.

If I get in I start Wednesday. 18 months of 18 hours a week of therapy. Art therapy, psycho therapy, DBT, the lot. cooking for each other and eating together.

 

 

im terrified. I get to do nothing but this for 18 months. No going out cos Ill be too much of a mess. All protests and projects have to be held. Probably no relationships. No jobs. No nothing, just focusing on how **** my life is and how much of a **** up ive become.

 

 

If I get in, the next few months will be horrible. Apparently hteyre always really hard. everything coming out, getting used to all the talking and all the crap and ****. having to eat with others. having to go shopping. the lot of it. Im terrified.

 

if I dont get in, I dont even want to think about what would happen, what id do, how id cope. I can always reapply, but it would be so hard, knowing that people dont want me there.

 

 

so yeah. basically, just like ive said a million times before, Im very sad, and very scared, and i just need to know there are people there who can make it somewhat eaier, even just by letting me know you're there without actually doing anything. just so i dont feel like the only person in the world. just so i know the whole world isnt against me. just so that i cdont come home to nothing every day for the next two years.

 

 

i have all these dellusions of grandure, but really im just a scared little girl who wants to be looked after or loved.

Tesse Tesse
18-21, F
13 Responses Mar 8, 2009

hugs and kisses to you! hang in there, ok?

LTD,<br />
<br />
I am not in your group of friends, and while you don't know me, you have been on my mind for the past few days. I woke up this morning and you were on my mind again - I wasn't going to comment, because I didn't want to intrude on something so obviously personal. But, I realized that while I may not be one of your friends or in your inner circle, I am part of your "human family" - and family members support their family!<br />
<br />
I think of your suffering, and if it were possible, I would take it all away with a big POOF!<br />
<br />
I want you to know that I am sending lots of LOVE your way - HUGE Virtual HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, HUGS and more HUGS.<br />
<br />
I was in a very similar situation as you describe (I will spare you the details) when I was 15, except it was my Dad, not Mom who was the catalyst. Back then (34 years ago), we didn't have the resources for help we do now - my family was so fractured, they didn't have a clue. Thankfully, with one very dedicated therapist, good friends and many more years of help later on - I got through it. <br />
<br />
I believe that all of the garbage is mixed with a lot of flowers, and as we dump the garbage, the flowers multiply faster than falling stars.<br />
<br />
I may be several time zones away, but know that my spirit and heart are sitting right next to you today and the many days that come.<br />
<br />
With much LOVE & ALOHA,<br />
<br />
Childoftheland

thank you :)

Good luck Tess! :)

hehe ill see you at 10am tomorrow then!

thanks CK- Im trying, its just hard, especially when my mum *needs* me right now, even thought thers nothing more i can do for her.

I hope so too

missbebe- thank you :) what about the skittles and vodka? ive heard its a new rule at this place; no drugs or alcohol unless its skittles and vodka with moo and flutter...... :P<br />
<br />
das- thank you, i might do that, try and pull it all together here.<br />
<br />
catwill- heres hoping :)

I'm so sorry about your mom. <br />
<br />
I think you're going to be okay. Just focus on you right now. No one else.

I hope this is the end of a bad time for you and the begining of better times.

you'll make it<br />
<br />
cut and paste some of your postings here maybe that will help too<br />
<br />
I'm sorry to hear about your mom again

WynHaven- you call on me too, ok? anytime. Those little girls in us need some love.<br />
<br />
Flutter- Ive cried enough today woman, dont do this to me! I have so much love for you, your words always touch so deeply. Im so grateful to have a big sister like you. I am glad to be an inspiration, but know that I would not be this if it wasnt for me being inspired by people like you. <br />
<br />
SilentlySuffering-thank you, i think if i get in this will work for me.<br />
<br />
Catwill- Im going to try and include what I will bring to the group, and highlight the changes I have already made and how much better i already am. <br />
<br />
thank you all for commenting :)

just start from the begining and write it down after you can read it back to see what you have missed or what you decide not to use make sure you do not add the positives just tell them the bad things it will be a very negative feeling you have once its done so make sure you talk to someone you do even if its just online chat.