Numbness Of The Soul

I wish someone would take me seriously before things get out of hand, I wish people notice, not look trough me and think I would be fine. I am not fine, I need someone to REALLY LISTEN. If they cared enough, they wouldn't' just ignore it.
I am getting worse on a daily basis, and my depression is not helping. I wish I could feel happiness, joy like I used to. I can't be afraid all the time when will It come back to take me down. I know the higher I feel, the worse I will get. It controls me. It interferes with my social life, college, functioning. I've moved away from a few people that used to listen to me (somewhat) and now I am in isolation. I can;t talk to my family. I have mother whose emotional intelligence is on infantile level, and is like a baby sister to me. I have a baby sister, who is more responsible than I am which makes me ashamed of myself.

I feel out of place, like things happened that didn't supposed to, like I am leading a false life and will wake up anytime. Like I shouldn't be alive.
I ******* want them to listen to me, like I listened to them for Years! They have no clue what am I capable of, even I don't know that and that is what I am trying to stop. Sometimes the urges come too overpowering, and maybe one day I will kill myself and all of the pain will be for nothing. It will be the end I wanted, but useless. I have dreams I want to furfill, I want to live again, to feel again, not die because I gave up. I have to get away from here. From my family.... they don't listen.
Ankhou Ankhou
Dec 14, 2012