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My Personal Growth

Having tried so hard to meld together with the woman of my life for the last 22 years, I now feel like a complete failure after 6 months of separation. I’ve spent countless hours alone trying to figure out the pieces that went wrong. I know in the depths of my heart I have a place that has yearned for emotional intimacy, a place where the soul is defined, a place where two become one, a place reserved for just one other person, a place not limited by time and space, and yet a place left empty inside of me for so long. I know what I really wanted. I know what I really needed. I know I tried to bring her along to join me there. Like trying to convince a finicky and distanced cat that there is joy in this special place, she dared not open her gates to take that chance to bring together her soul with mine... to go into that special place - a safe place. I cry right now as I write and the reality hits me. The pain, the anguish, the torture and broken dream of hope lie in front of me.

I once believed that perseverance and commitment were my strengths. Mom and dad taught me to never ever give up on the most important things in life - marriage and my children. I heard those messages of "committed love" reinforced in my church and my private school. My athletic successes were always defined by those principles. They helped form and shape my personal foundational being defined by "there is no option but to give and give"...and someday blessings will flow your way. I believed that it was a “strength” given to me by my folks... but is it really that? I question now if that is what defines my true weakness - a paradox, and if that is really what has kept my soul in suspension. I am struggling with the dichotomy of knowing strength from weakness. I feel lost. Here I am questioning the very thing that uniquely defined me.

Have all my accomplishments been for naught? I have a great education. I have a great job. I have great friends. My children are beautiful. She is outwardly beautiful but inwardly empty... and I couldn't find a safe place to connect with her as a soul-mate. Has all the work been worth it? Haven't the countless hours that I invested to hold it together ultimately been wasted? The family that I dreamed of has been broken to smithereens, and the pieces lying in front of me. They seem too small to piece back together again.

Here I am, my soul still left yearning. It waits for a time and space when I can find someone willing to join there to form an ultimate oneness. I must do some work now to grow. I must struggle. I must question. I must evaluate. God please reveal in me my weaknesses and shape me to become the person capable of attaining that true heart bond that you intend... a person defined by limitless love because my soul is shared in true intimacy. Help me to grow.
Passionateheartman Passionateheartman 46-50, M 15 Responses May 10, 2012

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even before we marry someone,we already have hopes and dreams in the future but sad to say,after fighting for what is right,it made us still pause and ask ourselves..."what have i done wrong?" "why does it feels like there is missing between us?" only to find out that it was either miscommunication or misunderstanding thats blocking couples to have a good and happy relationship.

I wish I could say that this previous life with her was shattered due to miscomminucation. This was a 'relationship' of deep insecurity, that translated into control, which ultimately led to a marriage death. I am so thankful now to be broken away from her weight & chains. Thank you for your comment.

Maybe she's feeling the same wAy too. Why don't you invite her on a simple roadtrip, just the two of you? Send your kids to visit grandparents, and try to reconnect with her. It seems that you love her very much. And after 22 years, she must love you too. Give it a try!!

Thanks for your encouragement, but it is over between us....AND I now haven't been happier in 22 years. :) I don't mean that is jest...in all seriousness... but once I found my feet again and was able to stand back and realize how controlling, mean and unloving she was...and realized that all I was to her was a stable and a means to a comfortable lifestyle, I was easily able to walk away...and YES, just like the last time, THEN she decided she wanted me back AGAIN. Uhhh, NO! Not again. I will continue to love my children...always will, just not together with her. Key principle that I've learned in life: It's not that people "can't" change, it's that SOME "won't" change...because they don't beleive in the need for change...very sad state that leads to cycles of the same mistakes over and over again. Thank you again - very sweet!

(((HUGS))) Sorry that you are struggling so. Stay true to the man that God has called you to be. HE will guide you and hold you in the palm of HIS hands. It's so hard to see when we are so emotionally broken that it becomes physically broken. You are not alone my dear, just know that.

All things happen for a reason for a greater purpose, keep your faith close and know that this too shall pass. I hear those words, but know while you are in the midst of anguish, they sometimes hurt to hear, but it really is true :)

Thank you so much...you are so sincere and sweet! The kind of woman I long to meet and be together with

Hi...i have been in love countless time and been with some men. For a long time I thought having sex is love but I was wrong. Until recently, I someone made love to me that I realize where I have gone wrong. No man have made love to me but they were just having sex. Making love feel so intimate in so many ways that I have always though it not real and can't possible exist cause I didn't feel it. Mow that I have I can tell you that it not a matter of how old or long a relationship but it is all about the right one. Only then that you will feel this oneness. I was raise very much like you. Responsiblities, commitment, obligations, beliefs and among so many other reasons but love have only one reason is that you want to give to each other willingly without conditions of any influence. Love have no rule but everythings else in this world does. I have to say I am lucky to be able to have it in this life time. I thought I would of never find it. I was going to give up after so much pains. It found me when I wasn't looking and it came in a person that noone could possible would of seen it. Truly love is like the diamond in the rough. It is so beautiful but hard to find cause it look like a rock and there are lots of rocks but not all rocks are diamonds. Some are lucky to find it in the first try while others trying seems like forever. There diamonds to be found but you have to go look for it. It could be right underneath your feet or it could be as far as Africa. You want it then look for it don't just be settle or give up. Good luck.

Thank you for your encouragement! ...appreciate it. I know what you mean. I had a diamond relationship once before myself (and NOT with my "ex")...and very foolishly let her slip through my fingers. That's why I know what it feels like to have a soul experience...and look forward to it again someday.

The pain you once felt is going to go away the more you grow and change.

It has, and I finally feel relieved. Thank you

Your welcome

I hope your tears help you purge the pain from your soul and prepare you for the one that will join you in that space.

They have... and I have reached a place where my soul is ready. Thank you for your kind comment. ~David

I stumbled onto your stories and had to read more and finally decided to reply. First there are magic in your words as you write of your love for your wife some of us only pray that God will give us the Boaz you have been for your wife. You have not done anything wrong here and it sounds like you have done everything in your power to make it right by fixing yourself but honey honestly as I read this I don't think you are the one that was broken. You should be proud and hold your head high as you have been doing everything in your power to fix what is broken but.... this is a path that "two" must fix and is not a one man show. I also wanted to bring something to your attention and that is a comment from one of your other stories, you mentioned that she always would get mad at you thinking you were looking at others..... When I read that it hit me she NEVER trusted you and honestly if this was your story you never had a relationship or a healthy one at least. Without trust there is no foundation to hold the house up. In order to fix the foundation you have to begin to see where the holes were and sometimes you see that the holes are too big and might not be able to be repaired. My suggestion is start from the beginning try to see where the holes are or might have started with you or with her once you start to identify the weak areas that started to break the foundation you can begin to fix the holes and from what I read and can see about you and your heart your foundation it was pretty sturdy it was hers that has shown the weakness. Hang in there friend.... God does have a plan for your life even though it seems way to cloudy to see through at this point.

You are so right. Our relationship was never founded on trust. I look back and realize that there was a flaw right from the very beginning. I viewed her as a victim from past relationships where the other men had hurt her. I vowed to myself to “love her through her hurts.” The harder I tried to earn her trust, it seemed like it became even more difficult for her to trust.
I have since moved on from the sage of grief when I wrote this story. I have grown, and will continue to grow, just not together in a future with her. I love our children that we share…just not blended with her any longer. History has a way of repeating itself, because once I pulled away from her several weeks ago, she then wanted me back again...amazing and unbelievable…but I can't do it anymore...my trust is smashed. I have learned a lesson about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)...patterns repeat over and over again. I’ve been through this pattern too many times now - idealization to devaluation to discarding. I won’t do it any more…I can’t. I am not angry, and I forgive her…really I do.
I view her as a victim of her childhood rearing...but the underlying flaw does not belong to me. I am no responsible for that in her any longer. I once believed that it was my job to love her enough to help her to restore her to health, but now know that is not possible. She must heal herself, and from everything I’ve read and been counseled, that is not possible with NPD. It is a shame, and like I said, I feel bad for her...I do care…and above all else, I feel terrible that we can’t provide an ideal home and future for our children and the next generation(s) to come…that bothers me more than anything, even today…but I can't be the one to help her any longer. She will always be the mother of my children, but no longer the holder, the sharer of my soul. She needs to come to the end of herself and realize that extreme selfishness kills souls...souls that once cared for her, but are unable to sustain life together with her. I will not be the “supplier” for her any longer. I was the last of a long line of men who have tried…and lasted the longest – by far, but no more. I know that I’m not a saint…but I do know that I gave myself to her…my all…and ultimately I lost myself…very lost...multiple times. My soul has been kicked to the curb too many times to open up and receive her back in again. I know what a true love soul connection is…and know what to prioritize in a relationship now…and I can’t assume that it will just “come some day” by loving her through it. Does this make sense to you?
Thank you for your care and thoughts. ~David

I would not comment whether you are a failure or successful in your pursuits....I would not say whether value system of yours contradicts what you are supposed to be.....coz its irrelevant when finally you reached to your core and befriend yourself with your true inner self.You have crossed most difficult phase of life coz "the most difficult phase of one;s life is not when no one understands you.....Its when, you dont understand yourself.Hope now clouds of confusions are clear and you are all set to gear up with new vigour for new search.<br />
Good Luck!!!

Thank you Anya

this is heartbreaking. I feel your pain. and I think there's nothing you can do but accept it and deal with it.<br />
<br />
if I may give my two cents though... I don't think there's any shortcoming on your part. and this is a very wrong way to look at it. not like you have to learn a skill and make it all better. <br />
I've learned that love stories just end sometimes. nobody's fault, it just happens. and all we can do it let go, and search elsewhere. <br />
there is a time to be sad, and there is a time to look around. you'll know. good luck!

Thank you. I appreciate your kindness. I do, however, hope to take responsibility for my shortcomings in our relationship…and for months it’s been about learning what they are… I’ve been blind to that…that’s how my good friends have helped me, when I’ve asked for candid evaluations of me. I feel blessed to have a deep security with select friends that have provided that opportunity for me. Some feedback has been hard to swallow, but good and worthwhile nonetheless. To stay in a place and justify my actions based on her behaviors wouldn’t leave me much room to become a better man. I want to grow emotionally...to expand my heart in spite of all the hurt. I don't understand the "whys", but that doesn’t matter in the end. Again, I thank you, my new friend.

Honey, It was not your fault, not your weakness, not your anything....I thought my marriage would last forever. I am spiritual, not as religious as you are...And I, for the longest time, thought it was me, my fault, some inadequacy in me, in my being, in my soul. But I decided over time, it was not. He was broken. I was broken. We tried. He is a handsome man who had lived so fully, more so than any man I have ever met or ever will meet, I suppose. But his cracks were obvious from the beginning. He knew it. I had some idea. Everyone knew it. We struggled from the beginning. Hard and passionate and my tears flowed many times...So much pain for both of us. And the joy of intimacy. Incredible for me as he was my first and only man...But though wonderful, it lacked something...And was infrequent...And so many problems...But, I digress...He will not change. I have to....Live. And so I prepare to leave...And I know I can do this. I can hope for a future with cherishment and love. And I can be the me I always wanted to be...Your words touched my heart. And I just wanted to tell you that I understand. And I feel for you, dearone. Thank you for your heartfelt posting. I wish you peace of mind. kisses....

Thank you for your heartfelt care. You’ve touched and warmed my heart and put a smile on my face this morning. Thank you. You express yourself from depth and beauty of your soul…and that is so attractive and alluring. I can tell that ultimately you will do well in your future relationship because for YOU…your inward beauty will complement, bolster &amp; define your outward beauty – for which I am sure you are blessed to have too.

I too understand you… Know that I am here for you and would feel honored to support you in any way I can. The true blessing of a heart break is the new found compassion and care that God has blessed me with…and for that I am thankful…and today I am thankful for having met you.

Your new friend,

~David

I find you are very eloquent for a man. Many cannot express their pain. Or feel so deeply. You have that ability. Your words are touching...And we are friends already. Felt it when I read your earlier posting. We share this experience. We move on...WE LIVE. xoxo

I hear you. Been there myself. At times, I too struggle with my faith, however, I know only He can lead my path. You nor I have control of the situation. He is in control! Keep the faith, and yell if you'd like to talk. I've been single for almost eight years now. You have a friend. God Bless You!

Thank you... I so need to have something positive happen soon. My faith in God is waning. I feel often like my batteries are depleated. ...best to you and again Thanks. ~David

Same here. You know what though, when listening to Joyce Meyer (not sure if you know who she is), she says that when we are self-absorbed in our problems, then we are committing idoltry. Well, I don't want to do that, but yes, it has been hard. Don't give up on God. I too, am trying to remain positive.

All I can say is that you've turned to the only One who can really and truly help you, God. He made you and He knows more about you than you or anyone else can ever know. He wants only what is best for you...continue to draw near to Him and He will draw near to you and let go of your worries and concerns, your brokenheartedness and pain, and give them all to Him. He is faithful and He will do a work in you, heal you and give you His peace and understanding...I know this to be true, because He is doing just that in my life...it is not easy, I fight Him all the way, because I still try to take things back and do them my own way...but in the end, He will prevail, because His love for me and for you, friend, is greater than anything. One last word, God does not ever make mistakes...your marriage is a union between you, your wife and God. He is all powerful, and He can do what no man or woman can. Do not give up on your marriage...turn that over to Him as well...pray, trust and and wait for Him to act powerfully in your lives. Peace

Thank you for you sweet, sincere and truthful encouragement...much appreciated. I am trying to that very thing...as hard and as hopeless as it seems. IAs you say, I struggle with my faith that He is carrying me through this...it often seems like I am all alone. When I get weak (often), I try to take my struggles on myself...and that always brings me even lower. Thanks again. ~David

My heart aches for you and your loss. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is one if the greatest pains a person can encounter. Now is a time for self reflection and prayer. Now is the time to draw closer to God and allow Him to work through you. Now is there is time for YOU! Take this opportunity to better yourself and prepare for the next woman God has in store for you. Nothing happens by accident. You have been taught some valuable information in your past relationship. Use it wisely. My prayers go out to you and I truly wish you the best in the future.

Thank you Lauren. Not being able to connect with her at a deep emotional-vulnerable level for 22 years has been so hurtful, scary and confusing. I haven't been able to understand until recently and with a lot of therapy that it's just because she can't...not that she won't. Her childhood development and then "intimate" relational breakups before me created walls that disallow her from melding close with a man. I've learned that no matter how much I try, she is unable to understand that something is required of her to form a bond like that. It can’t be me giving and desiring and changing and a one-way love stream. That needy "supply" based relational understanding (Narcissism) inhibits her from seeing that reciprocity is required. I always believed that with enough giving and unconditional love, close bonds are possible. I always though that LOVE conquers all things. That principle is dead wrong... and leads to a lot of hurt. My parents were wrong. Sad.

I don't think that principle is wrong at all. Love is what brought you through this difficult ordeal. Even though your relationship did not work out as planned that doesn't mean the foundation you created was flawed. There were cracks in the buiding(your ex) and it came crashing down. You can rebuild something better on the same loving foundation you layed previously. In addition, with love there are boundaries. You would never let someone you love walk in front of a car right? You also cannot let the person you love run all over you. You have to set standards in your next relationship. The attitude if "give" is excellent but God doesn't give us everything we want now does He? We have to earn it and prove ourselves worthy of certain things. Same goes for your love life. A woman should earn your respect and trust. She should be honored to be called your wife. Don't settle for less! Let love guide you but don't be naive to the signs of a disfunctional relationship.

Nikki... you always prepare the most beautiful picture painted in the skies projecting an optimisitc future. You inspire like no one else I've ever met. Thank you. Hugs with you.<br />
-David