My Personal GrowthHaving tried so hard to meld together with the woman of my life for the last 22 years, I now feel like a complete failure after 6 months of separation. I’ve spent countless hours alone trying to figure out the pieces that went wrong. I know in the depths of my heart I have a place that has yearned for emotional intimacy, a place where the soul is defined, a place where two become one, a place reserved for just one other person, a place not limited by time and space, and yet a place left empty inside of me for so long. I know what I really wanted. I know what I really needed. I know I tried to bring her along to join me there. Like trying to convince a finicky and distanced cat that there is joy in this special place, she dared not open her gates to take that chance to bring together her soul with mine... to go into that special place - a safe place. I cry right now as I write and the reality hits me. The pain, the anguish, the torture and broken dream of hope lie in front of me.
I once believed that perseverance and commitment were my strengths. Mom and dad taught me to never ever give up on the most important things in life - marriage and my children. I heard those messages of "committed love" reinforced in my church and my private school. My athletic successes were always defined by those principles. They helped form and shape my personal foundational being defined by "there is no option but to give and give"...and someday blessings will flow your way. I believed that it was a “strength” given to me by my folks... but is it really that? I question now if that is what defines my true weakness - a paradox, and if that is really what has kept my soul in suspension. I am struggling with the dichotomy of knowing strength from weakness. I feel lost. Here I am questioning the very thing that uniquely defined me.
Have all my accomplishments been for naught? I have a great education. I have a great job. I have great friends. My children are beautiful. She is outwardly beautiful but inwardly empty... and I couldn't find a safe place to connect with her as a soul-mate. Has all the work been worth it? Haven't the countless hours that I invested to hold it together ultimately been wasted? The family that I dreamed of has been broken to smithereens, and the pieces lying in front of me. They seem too small to piece back together again.
Here I am, my soul still left yearning. It waits for a time and space when I can find someone willing to join there to form an ultimate oneness. I must do some work now to grow. I must struggle. I must question. I must evaluate. God please reveal in me my weaknesses and shape me to become the person capable of attaining that true heart bond that you intend... a person defined by limitless love because my soul is shared in true intimacy. Help me to grow.