Smiles Of A Walking Dead

Today, I feel like a walking dead. Hell, this week, this month, this past year, these past several's been rough. Some days are better; some days are worse. But they are more or less the same in one way: frustrating. I look at myself in the mirror some days and i see an emotionally exhausted person. I am exhausted from being a stranger in my own home. I ran out of WHYs to ask about my dysfunctional marriage and there is no more HOWs to wonder about being in a relationshipless marriage. I miss my own smile. My own genuine smiles.

People have always told me I have a nice smile. What they don't know is that I can probably win an oscar putting up that smile. Because nowadays when I smile, I know deep down inside that there is this dark cloud lingering over my head. There is this deep sorrow from my broken marriage that I am trying to not let show. I know how hurt I feel from years of emotional rejection. I know how much I keep longing for that hug or a kiss from her that I don't think I will get any time soon, or ever. I know how much I wish this was just a nightmare that will go away when the sun rises. I also know that the rejections would not stop, the hug and kisses that left this marriage would not return, and the sun would not rise.

At least not until I gather the courage to leave.

DolphinSmiles DolphinSmiles
41-45, M
5 Responses May 17, 2012

I could switch your user name for mine. The story and the hot pain are the same. I hope you find that courage. I hope you find your happiness.

Me too.

Be strongg and figth for your hapiness.

Oh it does...I am nearly in tears. I want to hug you and wish I could tell you something that will make this better, but you know I can't. It is time, and you know this. You need to find your courage and strength and love for yourself, it starts inside of you! Your children need you and YOU need YOU!<br />
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You MUST find something to pick yourself up.....what is it? What can help you through? FIND IT!<br />
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Whether it is a bicycle ride or a therapist, I don't know! but you find it ok?? It is your only hope to stay strong and be the best person in this situation for you and your children.<br />
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MUAH! And big hugs to you!

Thanks. It's been one of those weeks. I'm sure you know. The decision to leave has been made. Just need to muster the courage and strength to go through with it. Thanks.

Yes I understand the pain. Fortunately my spouse wanted to try once I said I was leaving and meant it.. and then made enough progress to make staying worthwhile.
Have you told her you're W this? I can't remember. I think you have or the love is too far gone right?

I know the pain of a bad marriage - I'm scared to leave because of my child not getting money from her father. God knows she gets little else from him. I am so sorry your going through this! Not sure what else I can say except that I truly hope you find happiness - love and hugs from me to you xxx

Thanks. I know happiness is there, somewhere. Trying to sort my way through this and find it.