Start Over

I've never been with a guy that I loved and that loved me or in anyway mine. This makes me sad if I think too long about it.

Guy 1: Girlfriend (and a few others) knew we were *******.
Guy 2: Girlfriend was there.
Guy 3: Cheated on his Girlfriend with me. That was mostly my fault. And it sucked.

I just don't see a loving relationship in my future and I am counting poly in there. Am I capable of loving someone and someone loving me back?

I am working on changing my out look on things. I'm not nearly as hard on myself as I used to be. And I tell myself I'm beautiful everyday. I am starting to think I am pretty but I don't like to say it out loud to other people. Too worried that they'll disagree or think I'm vain.

However, there does seem to be a pattern. And being that I am the common denominator I have been doing something wrong. I have stop associating with people that make me feel like crap. Such as my dad and a "friends" that left me in a car for hours showing me that in that group I am a complete loser and made me cry for two days.

Purging myself of these things that I thought was who I am is really one of the best things I ever did. My dad can't love me. He's much too ashamed. The people I called my friends didn't care about me.

I remember when I was 14 I was asked if I had a boyfriend.
"No."
"Why not."
"I'm not girlfriend material."
"I'll find you a boyfriend. He might even be cute."

I have been asked this many times. The answer has been the same for the past nine years. "I'm not girlfriend material. I'm more of a mistress, friends with benefits, one night stand kind of girl. I wouldn't talk to the guys after the affair was over and I'm not comfortable with anything long term."

Now I want something different. How I feel about myself and relationships in general must change.
Ghostgirl89 Ghostgirl89
22-25, F
Sep 25, 2012