30 Day Intimacy Project

Day 1 - Jan. 22

So, my husband came home last night beat and tired from a day of hard physical work. He looked beat, so I gave him his space. Normally I am not home when he gets off of work, he usually has time do decompress and to be alone for several hours before I get home. He took a shower and laid down...a couple of hours later I made him dinner and he talked about his hard day as I sat on the floor and listened. I don't eat much normally, I literally ate 1 piece of homemade pizza he ate 6...that is how it all started. He commented that I ate one piece and then later I would eat soup or a couple of cookies as I usually do. That is how I eat, so why did he bring it up and why is it an issue? What was his point?? I eat small portions here and there. I don't monitor his eating, but apparently he monitors mine...He constantly makes comments about his weight, Dan has an athletic build and has not worked out in over two years. He's very lucky. At any rate he later apologized and said he did not bring it up to sound like he was criticizing me. As he did that I said "Dan, you eat much more then I do in one sitting then you will eat a huge bowl of ice cream and cookies in bed, so what was your point"? He BLEW UP!!! (yelling he said) "I said something, so you had to get the last word"!! HUH?? I said "If you bring up something, don't expect me not to respond to defend myself". I was trying to figure out what the hell the real issue was...The real issues is he has problems with the way he looks, that is all he is concerned with. So it bothers him that I eat the way that I do, that I don't eat the way he does. That I control what I eat in moderation, if I want something I eat it, but I don't eat the portions he does. He HATES the way he looks, but does not have the drive to change it. Dan HATES IN OTHERS WHAT HE HATES IN HIMSELF. My husband wants me to be toned when he doesn't even workout.

So later on this base argument transitioned into something else, his dating past...it got ugly. I brought up his past of dating a ********, he further pissed him off...oh well, I am hurt and he was already and pissed when he got home. It was going to happen, he brought that energy through the door. I engaged in the B***S***, I except that. Just as I figured today is another day and he left this morning pissed saying "Are you going to be an A****** to me today"?? He will withhold for the next few days as he usually does, he wont take responsibility for his lack of ability to manage his stress levels at work or his poor self image, lack of intimacy, etc....I am disappointed in myself that I engaged in such behavior. He wanted to argue and I obliged.
brenner21 brenner21
36-40, F
5 Responses Jan 23, 2013

Its hard not to get sucked into established roles.

Your situation, I believe, is a common one. You are both young, in love, ands starting to face the challenges of life. You say that he has a poor self image, that might explain some of what you tell. But there are many other factors such as does he get enough rest, does he eat well, is he worried over his job? These are only a few items which could complicate your relationship. Do you talk WITH him, maybe ask about his day? Is it possible that he feels too much pressure because he wants to provide for you? This is a time when the both of you NEED to communicate. Good luck!

We talk about HIM all the time. We are NOT young...40+, This is my second marriage and his first (my 1st marriage lasted more than 7 years). Come to find out he has ALWAYS had very POOR relationship history. He has sleep issues sometimes, is overly consumed with TV (at least 5 hours a day M-F, and more on the weekends), He chews A LOT of Nicotine gum, wears Testosterone patches, has anger issues, (he always has), has anixety issues, takes anti-depressants, is consumed about what he was physically when he was 20, etc...Only if he had more stuff and looked better. It's so silly and hes driving himself CRAZY...My husband has NEVER cared about financially supporting a woman, hes used to the opposite. He works and thinks hes doing me a favor by having a job which is what he is supposed to do anyways. I expect NOTHING of him, I can't he is a weak man...all I can do is have pitty for him and worry about me. He blames everyone but himself for all that goes wrong in his adult life, it is sad...Dan is going to die old angry and alone.

He lied about everything...Hates talking about himself in relation to his past. With that being said I was already in a relationship with him so I CHOSE to give him an opportunity to "man up" and fix the damage. He has come semi-circle on SOMETHINGS, I don't pressure him to "fix himself" I just keep trying to fix me. I voice my opinions...I let him know that I truly KNOW EXACTLY WHO HE IS and WHAT HE HAS BEEN. I don't "shame" him for it but I try to teach him that he can be better by owning up and excepting responsibility for himself and that he has options. He is on my medical insurance and has access to therapy, I attend therapy...that does not make me better it just makes my outlook different.

sorry about your situation, ........prayers

Don't be sorry, I am strong.

I know what u mean
Sometimes my boyfriend comes home in a bad mood and I'm like uh oh it's one of those nights. We r just there for them to take it out on. I don't think it's healthy

People that can't/don't manage their emotions are CRAZY and need help. On a criminal level that is what a jail is for, people that make poor decisions and can't manage themselves. It is sad that people make others responsible for their feelings, outcomes, emotions...it's pathetic.

Get a D you obviously don't love him and find anything good about him to write about. I actually feel bad for all your stories bashing him! You sound like a very unhappy person!

I appreciate your opinion, BUT obviously you didn't read this correctly OR you have the same issues he does and are choosing to "personalize it". This isn't about love or lack of, this is about HIM managing himself, stepping up and being a man for the first time in his life...HIM excepting his own self-created failures as a man. Why would ANYBODY lay around feeling sorry for themselves when they have every opportunity to change themselves. He is on my medical insurance and can seek therapy, I am.

I did read the story. I've read all your stories. All you do is bash him over and over! I feel bad for the poor guy. It's no wonder why he isn't able to stand up and be a man, you won't allow him. Doesn't sound like you are any good support system for him. He needs a women that loves him for who he is not one that wants to change him!

Obviously not. I suppose you are some tortured soul as well. I don't want him to change, he lied about who he was and everything he stood for, the person he "sold himself" as is NOT at all who he is. I want him to act like the person he was PRETENDING to be...what aren't you getting?? He is a fraud and becomes defensive when you call him out on it. If you are taking this personal it is obvious what kind of man you are. Every woman that has encountered my husband was sucked in by his false charm.

I'm actually laughing on the inside! Awhile back I made a similar post about a similar problem you have and your response was "Maybe, he is tired of you" and "sounds like you are crushing his dreams and you are trying to change him" Now I'm giving you the same advice you gave me. Try to be a little more compassionate to people who go through the same hell you do instead of putting them down and making then feel worse about themselves!

My husband is sick of himself, I am just here in the way. He does however TRY to make me responsible for his happiness.

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