Used To It

I've just come to expect people to give up on me when they get too close. It's part of why I don't talk about myself, who I am, what I believe. My "friends" in real life, I keep a good distance away from my inner most feelings because I know they would just be overwhelmed or think I was crazy. Here, on EP, I tend to be honest and open about who I am, what I believe because no one knows me. I can be who I am. Yet, there are people, even here, whom I've run into that once they start talking to me, saying they are trustworthy, quickly find that my thoughts, my beliefs, are too much for them. So, I get used to people giving up on me. It still hurts though. I guess the only person whom you can really count on is yourself. But...I keep trying. I keep searching for someone who understands me - I just don't expect much from anyone anymore. I'ld rather have a few really good, close friends who understood me and accepted me for who I am and what I believed rather than a facebook horde of people that are superficial and of no consequence.

KnightBlade KnightBlade
41-45, M
8 Responses Mar 10, 2010

i think thats a natural reaction its a way of defending our selfs but it can also be our prison i understand where you were coming from most people who meet me online think im nuts or heaven forbide you tell them your big they run to door like theres a fire but people who have meet me and really have taken a moment seen a whole diff thing . i guess my point is people dont tend to take the time to get to know people or be there for them when its not convent or self serving to them you have to weed out those and try not to shut out those who are willing to take the time to understand and know you

I understand, too, what you mean. I have many of the same fears - that things I say or do will inevitably push those I care about away. The fear never goes away, and yet I risk my heart every time for the remote chance that I may find someone that will stick by me. There are times when I feel foolish for how I've made myself vulnerable, but the blessings of finding someone who truly cares about who you really are is rare and precious.

*HUGS* Thanks-guys. Seems strange that it's only been nearly two months since I posted that and so much has happened to make me finally feel like I have people I can trust again. The fear is always there - the wondering if a misplaced thought or something that I said because I felt it in my heart will push those I have come to care about away. Even though I'm afraid that I may be betrayed or someone will walk away, I take risks still to share at least some of my thoughts and heart because the reward of having friends who truly care about who you truly are far outweighs the cost of not having people in your life that you care about. The fear never goes away though. Perhaps someday it will. I do hope so.

*Sylph raises hands*... I'm true! I'm true!... and so is DT, and Ever, and Taken, and Dean, and Michelle, and.....

It takes only one person to break the chain of heartbreak, it takes only one person to change the trend. Somewhere, some day, someone will change it all, and show you the true meaning of trust, friendship and love. Don't break down your wall, for we all need one as a means of survival, but don't be afraid to step out from behind it from time to time, you never know what you might find when the right person comes along. <br />
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I understand all too well what you feel, for I've broken down my wall often, and been hurt deeply. But I am beginning to experience the beauty that is trust and comfort in someone that was meant to bring me out from behind that wall. I have a history of pain and hurt from those who have trampled through my life, and I expect everyone that comes in to my life to do the same....but it takes just one person to make it different...and it's a beautiful feeling.<br />
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The truest of friends won't give up on you...

*Sylph takes Knight's hand, made him stick out his pinky finger... Sylph did the same...*..... Pinky promise, Knight... I won't give up on you... and faeries are good at keeping pinky promises..... *hugs*...

I've had that happen to me - someone knock down all the walls. It was an amazing, amazing sensation to be free finally. However, it didn't end well and now I am left trying to rebuild and there are so many holes left to fill but I'm not sure if I'll ever finish rebuilding that wall. A part of me wants to because I never ever want to be hurt like that again. But, another part of me longs to have that freedom, that amazing, unconditional love once more in my life. So, it's a struggle between protecting who I am and being true to my heart.<br />
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Love is not easy.

I think we all feel this way at times i have an invisable wall around myself so that i cant get hurt i am waiting on the right person to come and knock down the wall it hasnt happend yet so i'll keep waiting