Dear Friend,

Hey! Just wanted to say I miss you! And I hope everything is going great and that you had a great day. My day was good, still not studied much my brain keeps going in thousand directions what I must do and had to do but too late and future plans and CV and work and making plans but other than that I still have so much positives in my life: I have a house, a car, food, fuel, money I can study at university, I have lots of clothes and shoes and all the materialistic stuff I need and much more actually than necessary, I have so much stuff, both my parents are alive they make me very sad I know this is a negative but they don't love each other and my mom is constantly complaining to me how bad her husband is and my dad always get so mean and he swears a lot and drinks every night and I've never in my whole life heard them say to each other "I love you" they've never kissed in front of us or anybody for that matter not even a piekie kiss don't hug or hold hands and they always small talk or fight. I feel so cold towards them because how can 2 people expect to have healthy children with healthy relationships with the example they gave us. My mom keeps saying she should have left many years ago and then everything would have been better but what she doesn't realize "should have" is in the past and we are in the present. She resents him but still she wants his love and attention but my dad is a self absorbed person even though I love him he will never accept responsibility or apologize for being rude and when my mom had a nice day or came home after him cause she was busy he will punish her by silent treatment and then later he will tell her how untidy she is and that she sits around doing nothing and I get were my mom is coming from but I can't do anything about it?! I don't like the man and I didn't choose him as my father he wish we weren't here cause he feels we take the attention away from him I mean I've never once had a decent conversation with my dad were things weren't all about him and his life and work. He provides financially and he thinks that is how it should work in life but what he doesn't realize is that life is short he is so unhealthy eat and drink like a pig no exercise and smokes in secret according to me that is like suicide cause he doesn't respect himself enough and he doesn't take us in consideration with his selfish behavior. It is sad cause I don't want him to die and my mom asked him about their will and he got so mad cause our personal family stuff is never organized and his will was last updated in 1995! So if he dies because of a heart attack or cancer or anything we will be in the deep end because he has this carelessness about us and only worries about his family for instance his sister and my cousins and his parents they are his life but they use him to get money out of him and I feel sorry for him because he buys there acceptance in a way but that is another issue and story for another day! I'm complaining but wow it is frustrating my dad is just a horrible person and believe me I always come up for him when my mom complaints to try and make her see it comes from both ends but it is affecting me when she whispers how much he drank and I hate it and tell her she should talk to him and tell him she loves him and want the best for him but he gets all defensive and tells her she is abnormal. I really don't want to be like them and yet no person walks away without some characteristics and personality trades that's casted inside you from birth I mean I hate it. If you don't love someone and can't communicate and don't know the person and trust the person then you don't marry and even if. You marry you sure as hell don't have kids. I mean this is crazy-the don't sleep in the same room my mom is like one anxious controlling person cause she is unhappy with her life and when I tell her I feel so and so she will always have worse pain and experiences and crappy advise I know she is my mom and I love her and she does a lot for me and I won't be able to handle all without her but on the other hand she is so manipulative and if she doesn't get her way she will be so mean and she will be the one day glad for my happiness and the next day she will become jealous and mean about it and make me feel bad about being happy and then it is this whole pattern damn this is a long email but I feel so helpless with them. They are like children and I wish I had better 'role models' and that they just loved each other. Why don't they divorce? But my dad won't ever handle he will make her life unbearable and my mom won't have the guts to do it. Wow, she is just the victim the whole time and I really don't want to be like that I try and take responsibility for everything I've done wrong in my life but it is difficult cause sometimes it is just so much easier to play the blame game. I'm so negative about this family if it is what you call it. I can write a book about things and situations and I just wish I knew how to reverse the subconscious impact it made on me and my behavior I'm not blaming them I mean I'm an adult and make my own choices but still certain ways of them handling conflict and fighting and treating each other I see that in my own life and how I handle people sometimes and then I just wish I knew how to. Correct it I want to be the best I possibly can be but I don't know how to take this anger and hurt out of my heart. I'm fine if they treat me like shimmels but how can people that are supposed to love each other hate one another so much that they are so unhappy and I really can't make sense out of it. My dad goes to church sundays but in his own life he applies nothing my mom doesn't even know if she believes anymore and it freaks me out cause they are supposed to be sure about things and tell you everything is going to be okay but I must do that I must be the shoulder for my mother I must tell her God exists and he loves her and has a bigger plan for her and that she should love herself and become confident and less insecure but still I want her to say that to me to tell me I'm okay and I won't make the same mistakes but she just feels sorry for herself damn I'm going to stop this nonsense I was busy telling my positives and then I just started complaining but ok- the traffic was flowing drove home in 10minutes had lovely food to eat, my pjs is so comfortable I will stop writing now as I know your eyes will be popping out one of these days oh yes and I went to the gym this morning:)Hope your okay and that the sun is shining and that the clouds are making rain what a contrast! But yes I complained a lot and know it doesn't help I think about it because life goes on just wish I had a solution to all this hehe but mostly a selfish solution of curing me and making me just be healthy and happy in my heart and brain with no weird behavior or outbursts of irritation and being mean I want to love and I want to be loved...