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I Have No Friends, No Social Life

I am 40 years old, I have no job, no money and my health is ‎bad.‎
My joints hurt whenever I do any physical effort.‎
Unfortunately there is no treatment for that, except avoiding ‎such activities.‎
Although I am quite unhappy about my current situation, I can ‎now mostly overcome the bad feelings linked to that.‎
I have learned to accept myself the way I am. ‎
I keep on fighting against all the obstacles everyday trying to ‎make my life better, without forgetting however that I have ‎limited capabilities and I can do only limited things.‎
I think I've found the right balance.‎
I am in a steady relationship with a very nice lady, quite older ‎than me, so I don’t look for dating or sex.‎
What I miss the most however is a social life.‎
I have no friends at all and I cannot have them.‎
It seems that everything is connected.‎
I am nice person, I always look for contacts, I always make ‎the first step, I start talking to people and I never complain ‎about myself. I always show my bright side.‎
I am clean, I take care of my appearance and I shower and ‎shave everyday.‎
Sometimes it seems to work at the beginning, I meet some ‎new people and I have the feeling that a friendship begins.‎
Then unfortunately I can almost never keep it up: either I ‎cannot go with them to this or that place because it is too ‎expensive for me, or I cannot going with them practicing this ‎or that activity because of my bad health.‎
But I don't say to them the real reasons and I have to find ‎every time a new excuse.‎
At the end they get annoyed.‎
My house is always open, and I always invite them for a ‎coffee or something, but they never come, I have the feeling ‎they find this a waste of time.‎
I live in Europe and sometimes I wonder if this is a typical ‎European attitude.‎
Is it different in other parts of the world?‎
Or, what am I doing wrong?‎
Rodd Rodd 36-40, M 16 Responses Aug 8, 2007

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No it's not different in other parts of the world alot of people that are dealing with the same problem. Actually I'm one of them, but you know I don't let it bother me because friends come and go, but family sticks by you for a lifetime!!!!!!!!!

Dear Rodd,<br />
I have found my life to be much the same as with what you have shared. But the things I expect from a true friendship don't ever come to pass. I expect my friends to be loyal and keep our personal conversations to themselves. That's pretty much the big one, don't stab me in the back. But they always do. I think I just choose the wrong people to befriend for whatever reason. I also think I pick people that tend to use me, or rather I set up the relationship that way in the things I say and do, although I'm really not aware of it at the time. I'm lonely most of the time because of this. My husband and I barely have a thing to say to each other because we have no social life outside of work. It's just become a life of boredom, poverty and daily struggle. I can't figure out who needs therapy more him, I or both of us.

Wow! I thought I was the only one in this situation. I understand what you mean. Before my recent injuries I had "friends", a social life even though I am paralyzed from the chest down. But I got hurt really bad and I have o e good arm left :-). But after they put me off work and then fired me NONE of my "friends" aren't anywhere to be seen. Well unless of course they need something from me then once in awhile they'll visit for 3 to 5 minutes and then they are gone. What is wrong with people these days? What happen to being a TRUE friend? Being loyal, respectful, understanding? No one is THAT "busy" they can't spend time with a FRIEND after all you are there for them when it's convenient for them - right? It's not you - it's them. People like us are rare and then we become the outcast or the forgotten even though WE would NEVER treat anyone the way we get treated because it is wrong. There just aren't many truly caring, kind, considerate, loyal, honest, people out there in the world and that right there is why our world is in such a horrible state because the basics just aren't standard anymore.

I am 52 & have no real friends. I have been disabled since childhood & the last time a friend came to visit was almost 5 months ago but a year an a half before that the last time I saw them. Another friend i saw over a year ago. No one invites me/us anywhere although we consistently invited friends prior to an auto accident we were in over 2 years ago. As long as I was able to help them out before. Then, they were always coming by, but since I was injured & need help or just a shoulder not a soul comes or calls. No social life whatsoever & now my better half has started calling female FB "friends" becuz he says he needs someone to talk to. I feel so worthless. I have no children so what's down the road for me? After two failed marriages I purposely won't remarry my mate even after 11 years. And so now even he needs someone besides me to talk to, and I spend about 18 hrs of a 24 hr day alone either becuz he works or is sleeping. I feel pathetic.

I admire you because you still continue living like this, I want to say try to life for yourself, use the power inside you and build new good life, I know that this is hard to do but you can do it. If ever you want a daughter to speak to, I'm here... Go ahead.

well u just dont think negative abt ur health plz and ya u want to make good friends so also show ur dark side like ur health ur emotions

how about your girlfriend ? she doesn't have any friends. Maybe start there and go to places that are free. Like Dog park, Malls places like that.

I have no friends too....even though I'm healthy.....I wish I had a female friend.....sometimes a woman needs the company of another woman.......

Same here, I also want to have a good female friend.

Hi there.I feel for you. Since you said that people do invite you along to activities, why not go and just watch, and explain why you can't physically get involved. Or maybe ask them to come over and watch a movie with you and your girlfriend after the game. Hope this helps. Don't give up!<br />
LJL

Use of the first person singular "I" 38 times in 21 sentences gives the lie to an imbalance in your world view, i.e. you appear too involved in yourself to enable other people to get a look-in. It is human nature for people to be ego-centric and to gain friends you can tap into that by expressing interest in other people rather than trying to find people to express an interest in you! <br />
<br />
At 40 you sound like a physical wreck - I'm older than you and do active stuff every day, involving a minimum of an hour/day exercise to, and beyond, the point of perspiration. Clinically obese five years ago (lost 4 and a half stones in four months) but fighting fit ever since has resulted in a massive lifestyle improvement - people are interested in can-do people, not can't-do people. Which are you?

You made a few good and valid points in your reply.

You are putting up a brave fight , so don't be apologetic or indulge in self-pity.Maybe some are too busy to mix with you, but you can find friends,I'm sure.<br />
If you can afford EP , you can have a social life here,too, on the net.I have good friends here who I care about and they talk to me, listen to what I have to say and we have fun,caring n friendship.<br />
Love n Hugs

I Advice u try yoga with the yoga u will be feeling great

You sound a lot like my boy friend and I , he is disabled and 40, I try to get him out and he doesn't want to and I tell him that we need to get out and walk for our health. We don't have many visitors, We have friends over for to listen to music and watch a movie once in a while but for the most part we don't have company or family unless we invite them for dinner and we can't afford that except for the holiday's mostly.

I'm with the folks that commented first and second but not necessarily with the third because I'm not a church-goer. Like you, I'm disabled and although clean and nice ... but without a boyfriend or anything ... I get left behind alot too. Even when I DO tell the truth ... and I always do. They don't get it that being poor, or living in poverty is not the same thing as being broke. THAT they get! Being in poverty they do NOT get, and in fact, they somehow kind of look down on you if you admit to that. I don't know what to tell you except that you are not alone. I'm in Alaska and I never have anyone come over, unless they want something. Like money, or my meds! I've come close to just ending it all because I am in pain alot, and no one seems to care at all. If I cannot do something for them, they don't give a crap. Next week, I am to have a foot amputated .... not one family member has even called, nor have any friends. Not one. I AM alone. I'm 53 and sincerely doubt I will see 54. By choice. Maybe you are young enough to overcome all that .... it started for me at 42 and now, after so many years of trying this, that and the other ..... well, maybe it's just time for ME to quit trying.

I think its easy to get stuck in a rut and unless other people know how that feels they dont tend to be very sympathetic. Your local church is a great place to start, maybe offer your services voluntary and see what comes from that ?

I think you should stop making up excuses for not attending activities and just let them know about your health. You've got nothing to lose, seeing as they get annoyed and run away in any case.<br />
<br />
Perhaps you should try and maximise the use of the resources that you have. Some people out there do need a place to gather, and so long as they provide you with genuine companionship or company, then it is a mutually beneficial arrangement. Host a card/bingo/board game/ trivia/darts/tupperware/book night? If people bring snacks and drinks, it'll cost you very little indeed.

I'm in Australia, but I don't think it's an exclusively European attitude. Ppl will act as they do wherever they are, I think. Maybe you should tell them the reason you can't come with sometimes - an idea about why your friendships end is that they see that its an excuse. If you tell them that something is too expensive or bad for your health, I'm sure that if they are truly a good friend to have, they would come up with another way of spending time with you so that both you and your wallet are not hurt! <br />
Have you thought about joining a local meet-up club or something? There's usually something to suit everyone's needs... =>