Please Stay Close To Me God!

            All these time, I limit myself to writing about my relationship with God while it was mushrooming.  I restrain myself to write about it if I wasn't feeling spiritually well.  Today, I am not that person who was in a spiritual high.  But I have learned that I still need to accept that God loves me no matter what.  For as long as my heart is still beating, God still loves me.  For every second counts.  Every second, every breath that I take is an opportunity to inch closer to Him - no matter how small of a step I take.

           Lately, I have been too busy working and couldn't find time to devote to His remembrance.  I am fully aware that serving others through my job as a teacher is a type of worship as well.  I am aware that by helping my family raise money for the kids' education, I am performing charity daily - and the reward of God awaits me both in this world and the Next.  This doesn't bother me at all.

         Truth be told, it is actually my ego that poses a conflict to my life.  Whenever my effort proved successful and everytime I was praised by others for my hard work and achievements, my self-confidence that was originally hurt became inflated.  From increased self-confidence, came a desire for more power and status.  I became concerned about how overqualified I am at the school - I thought of helping other teachers improve their skills.  I thought of being in a leadership position.  I have become to engrossed in my work.  I am at the point of putting my career as a measuring stick of my self-worth.  Sure, this might make me a very successful person in life, but slowly my spiritual endeavor takes a backseat.

          When we pushes God away from our mind and our heart, of course we wouldn't feel God so close to us.  When something else replaces Him as the object of our hearts' desire, we cannot feel His presence within us.  And this saddens me greatly.  I still pray.  After prayer, I utter His name for remembrance as a ritual that I have acquired.  It is not the same when we are simply uttering in a state of heedlessness.  My mind is on my work, while my lips are ......lipsynching!  The satan our enemy is ever quick to take advantage of our weak moments.  Some of my best ideas for work, appeared during the prayer - exactly the time when I shouldn't be thinking of work.

         It is heartwrenching for me to feel this way.  Sometimes, when we feel low about ourselves, it pulls us even lower and drags us into the abyss.  Once, I had the chance to go to Mecca.  I normally would go and perform 'umrah (the lesser pilgrimage), but this time I obeyed my vile desire on the premise that I am just not good enough for 'umrah.  The Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, said that a successful completion of 'Umrah (which really takes only 1-3 hours to complete) will erase all of one's sins from the previous 'umrah. 

       I went only to perform a few of the daily prayers there in the Grand Mosque of Makkah and perform optional tawaf (circumambulation of the Ka'aba).  The five daily prayers are worth 100,000 in reward for each cycle (raka'ah) when performed here.  It is one of the Mercy of God - or bonus points if you will.  Come to Makka and get bonus points. 

        Come to Makka and see the House of God.  When you pass by a friend's house, don't you feel a longing to see that favorite friend?  That is the Ka'aba.  How can one not feel God, when he or she is standing before His structure.  The fact that we can see the point that we all converge into when we pray provide a focus of our spiritual energy.  It is a much different feeling than praying towards a wall in our home.  I wonder how does one feel to pray towards a created object - such as a statue of a human being or a statue of an animal that we humans carve with our hands?  O God protect us from ascribing partners to Your Lordship.

           After a few days, I decided to go to Madinah, the city of the Prophet.  Before leaving I perform the Istikharah prayer to seek God's help in making a decision.  I sought His help about whether or not to continue working next year, or to leave work and concentrate on seeking Islamic knowledge.  My stay in Madinah was one of the most peaceful time I've ever felt recently.   The opportunity to be there was enough for me to realize God's Love for me.  Small signs from God alerted me to the blessings of working as a teacher and devoting myself to children who need my guidance and love.   As long as I keep God central to everything I do, I am keeping Him close to my heart.  My role as a mother, wife, daughter, teacher, neighbor and friends - all requires me to submit to the will of God, so that I may live a just and honorable life as a humble Muslim.  I renew my intention and strive to continue purifying my intention again and again.


Rabbana la tu akhizna innaseena aw akhta'na.  Rabbana wa la tahmil 'alayna isran kama hamaltahu 'alallazina min qablina.  Rabbana wa la tuhammilna ma la taa qatalana bihi.  Wa' fu'anna, waghfirlana, warhamna anta mawlana.  Fansurna 'alal qawmilkafireen.

Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or commit an error.  Our Lord!  Do not place a burden for us like you did lay on the community before us.  Our Lord! Put not a burden for us greater than we can bear.  Pardon us, forgive us, have mercy on us.  You are our protector.   Grant us victory over the deniars. (Quran, Baqarah 2:286)

nourradiance nourradiance
36-40, F
Feb 15, 2010

hey soul sister, I hear what you're saying. It's easy to get wrapped up in this crazy world. If I offer a short youtube video to watch, would you watch it for the both of us? When I watch it, I get myself back into perspective. Just copy and paste the link below. This is my friendly offer to someone who needs a friend just as much as I need a friend.<br />
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YouTube - Nick Vujicic<br />
Think you've got it bad?...You haven't seen this yet...<br /> - 96k - Cached<br />
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If you want to, let me know what you thought. --randallforjc