I Did Something Horrible A While Back...

A few years ago, in college, I started a relationship with a girl in my class. She had gone to my high school. She had an illness, thought to be terminal, which I knew about because she had previously dated a friend of mine. She was active and attended class and parties; I didn’t really think about her illness (it wasn’t anything communicable), I thought she was nice and pretty and sweet.  We got to spending time together, and dated a few times. Things never got too physical. She wanted me to be her boyfriend. I tried, but after a few weeks, I felt I didn’t want a relationship, for a variety of reasons.  At this point I went to my older brother, who I considered a mentor. He advised straight honesty as the best policy. I called the girl and ended the relationship, by stating something along the lines of “I don’t think we’re right for each other.”  She didn’t accept this reason and pressed me. Finally I said that ‘I thought she was really nice, and wanted to be her friend, but I wasn’t ready to get deeper into a relationship with someone dealing with her level of medical problems.’ I’m not sure about the next part, b/c she stopped talking to me (understandable), but she seemed to become more ill after that. I think she left school. She passed away about a year and a half later.

I’ve always felt awful about my decision, and my choice of words. I felt that I not only missed an opportunity to be a support to someone in need, I feared I might have crushed her hope. This idea haunted me, but I came to believe people who told me I was ridiculous and borderline obnoxious to think I could have such an impact.

A few weeks ago, I encountered one of her friends. She was immediately rude to me and accused me of deeply hurting the girl. That I did, in fact, help to crush her hope. She asked how I could live with myself, and informed me of how many people in the area wanted bad things to happen to me.

Since this encounter, this old wound has reopened. I’ve beaten myself up numerous times over my capacity act in such a callous fashion. I feel I should not have started dating her in the first place if I was going to let her known medical condition affect me. Even more so, I shouldn’t have used it in any part as a reason for ending the relationship. My logic and my actions were selfish and wrong, and I feel horrible about it to this day. I feel i need God's forgiveness. I hope posting here can bring a measure of peace.

mdank1993 mdank1993
31-35, M
2 Responses Feb 14, 2010

You have already received God's forgiveness! It was there the moment you acknowledged your break in relationship. You can ask for her forgiveness also through prayer - I am sure deep down she understood your reluctance to committ to a relationship. Now you just need to forgive yourself and let go of the burden that you are carrying. I suggest that you spend time writing a letter to her - pouring out your feeling just as you did in your posting. Let your emotions flow and the cleasing power of your tears will begin to heal that gaping wound. <br />
God Bless you.

I agree that if you had doubts in the beginning about starting a relationship with her, you shouldn't have. I also agree that you probably could have left out the part about her medical problems and just said that you didn't want a serious relationship.. However, it's not your fault that this girl was so ill that she passed away a year and half later. It's also not your fault, that you were honest with her about how you felt. I'm glad you took your brothers advice and was honest. It's not your fault that you broke her heart, that is part of life. <br />
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Quit beating yourself up for this. Perhaps the lesson here is you can be honest, but you don't have to be cruel about it. Hopefully lesson is learned, and you will think twice about how you break up with the next girl. <br />
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IF you want GOD'S forgiveness ask Him for it, it's that simple. <br />
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Take care