I Am So Lost And Confused.....

Okay...where do I start? I am a young woman with 3 beautiful children....a man I have been with for the last 9 years...yet...I am all alone. Lately, I have been life a lot of thought. I do not have any family around and it seems that I am in this long haul all by myself. My whole family is distant and because I was raised in another country I do not know them very well. My mother never gave a rats care about us and my dad is some control freak. The rest of the family is all out for self or talk about you behind your back. I thought I had a person in my corner that would understand me and be there for but as the years go by it seems all he does is take everything I have trusted him with and hold it against me or throw it in my face such as my family, my past relationships and confessions that I have made to him etc. He never wants to hear how I feel about things and when it comes down to it for us to go our separate ways, he somehow talks me into staying. He has been my comfort zone for the past 9 years and I truly have recognize that I have no one else that I can actually depend on. I used to talk to the little family I do have about my problems and I was judged....so now I hold it in or try and talk to my significant other about it and I am judged as well. I feel so alone and lost in this big world not knowing where tomorrow is going to take me. I am working on my Bachelors degree in Criminal Justice and plan on getting my Masters degree but I do not know what to do....am I am coming or going. I have so much frustration and anger in me and I can't let it loose. I want to shut everybody out but it hurts so bad. These feelings I have has caused me to distance myself from my kids and I do not like it...I want to change but do not know how. I have always been a loner and never was showed the true child parent bonding. What do I do....I am no where near suicidal because I know I have to live for my kids and actually I fear death ...especially since I know that after me my kids only have each other. They know no one but me ....what if something happens to me before they grow up...my so called fiance is in a similar situation but I think that he is in it for all the wrong reasons....every year we have been separating and it never happens,...I am helping him with his daughter and I do everything from the house to the kids to school and work etc....i think he is just in it for convenience....I stop talking to family about my problems and now I feel I need to shut him out as well. I feel lonely in this relationship and it kills me....when it all comes down to it I have to make it work on my own. I know that god will make a way for me but how do I get there without falling off. My fiance can dish out but he can't take the heat...I am tired of the reverse psychology and mind game BS ...I need help and strength to get away...he is not a bad person he likes *** for tat...I can't play these games ...but there has been no one else but him and I for last few years...I do I break this cycle....I am string and independent but with three kids how do I act on it....I am so lost and confused.

incaseudontnoso incaseudontnoso
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Listen....I don't know how, why, when or where, but there is ALWAYS a way.....<br />
I also had a very unhappy childhood. I also didn't receive love & support from my parents. I'm 32 years old now and my mother has told me maybe 3 times in my whole life that she loved me. My father never said it. <br />
I'm a mother of two boys and I just do the opposite of what my parents did...I tell my kids every single day that I love them. I take the time out to play with them. I shower them with love & support. Hugs n Kisses....the whole nine! And that's the way it should be. We don't have to lead with the examples we were given. We can make new ones and be great role models for our children : )<br />
As far as your fiance goes.....it's obvious that you are not happy, but have you talked to him about how you feel? Do you know how he feels? Is he happy? The reason I ask is because you both need to sit down and communicate with each other and share your honest-to-God true feelings. There's no sense in holding on to something that's no longer there. You don't need ANYONE to rely on. You can fend for yourself...If you're interested in talking more, feel free to send me a message. Good luck with everything!!! I wish you all the best. Don't worry, things will change and definitely for the better, as long as you allow it. xoxoxo

girl, i dont know if you wrote this when you were drunk or something, but you need to get your act together, for you kids. first, you will never be a good mother if you are unhappy so the first thing you have to take care of is doing something for yourself. start by doing something that makes you feel good (maybe enrolling in some course or something). second- you sound too depended on you fiance, ditch the guy, move on, fight for your life. maybe you need professional help, couching, or something like that. get yourself to one of those places, get help. best of luck