Ever since I was little, I was told I'm no good, nothing will come of me, no one will love me, etc. I've never had anyone to encourage me, stand up for me & protect me (not even from the perverts). Most of my life involved keeping up appearances despite the abuse, putting a smile on my face. No one cares, you're on your own, I was told. I spent many years thinking about suicide, daily (though I never acted on it, except rare cutting).

It's basically left me feeling completely lost and alone. I know I'm not supposed to let all the bad things in my life/past get me down. I need to move past it all & not use it as an excuse for remaining stagnant. But I don't know how to move forward & I feel that it's too late. I lost my chance to have the life I wanted. Even if I could talk to someone about it (though I wouldn't dare, I don't have any close friends that I could trust like that) they wouldn't understand. On the surface, everything looks great. I'm intelligent, attractive, I have a respectable job that pays well, etc, etc.

However, I also have never had a boyfriend & I doubt I ever will. Who wants a 33-year-old with no experience? I really do want a boyfriend, but the idea terrifies me - the inevitable, that I will disappoint them (added to the fact that I don't want children & most men do). I can't even say that I've managed to fill the emotional hole in my heart with work. Yes I have a "good" job that most people would gladly accept, but it doesn't make me happy. I'm good at what I do, but feel I could've done so much more (I used to have so much potential).

Sorry for writing for so long, I guess I've never really expressed what I've been feeling externally. I'm very unhappy with how my life turned out. I don't want to live my life like this, but I don't know how to turn the tide. How do I take the first step when all feels hopeless?

genie1981 genie1981
36-40, F
3 Responses Sep 1, 2014

I am sending you the answer you seek. Please read "the power" by Rhonda Byrne. It will release all your hurt and pain and make you realize who you are.. And instantly you will hear the truth in this book - the law of attraction is incredible. I urge you to read and find out for yourself. Your life and how you feel about everything changes through this knowledge.

i love u

well, it's never too late to turn your life around. About the relationship you want you should take some steps towards it by signing up on some dating websites and if there's someone you like currently, go for them! You won't magically be together some day without actively trying to go out with them. It's scary because you don't know if they like you back and if they don't it doesn't matter. There's 7 billion people on earth and there's definitely someone for you. Also if they love you and care for you you won't disappoint them. You might have a messy relationship or two at first but thats how it goes. don't get discouraged by that.

What was the job you always wanted? You said you have a "good" job but it doesn't make you happy, so what is it you wanted to do? Don't sit around wasting time at a job that doesn't make you happy. Go after your dream job. take the steps necessary to get yourself to where you want to be, and build friendships with the people that will end up working with you

The first step to turn the tide is believing you still have potential. make something of yourself and prove those around you wrong. That you are worth something.

Don't let others dictate the life your going to have

I want to go in the marines as an officer but I always have people telling me the military is horrible and thats the worst job ever. stuff like "your smart get a good job instead". Well **** those people. It's not going to stop me from doing what I want to do in life.

Best of luck to you :)