I Need Help

I have been researching for months. what d i have?

i feel disconnected from everyone and everything; reality included.
i dont get hallucinations, but sometimes i will be walking and i think is this real?
i get lots of different delusions.
i feel lost, all the time, down and not willing to do anything much. i dont feel energetic and excited to do things.
i feel sad and depressed all the time.
and im ANGRY. i hate EVERYTHING and everyone i hate EVERYTHING. i have so much anger and i want to blame it on everyone else around me, even though i know its not their fault.
i push everyone i love away from me, and i enjoy it. i like this feeling of emptiness and loss i like having sadness inside of me. its like i can rely on myself and no one's there to f*** it up for me.
im only 15.
i started realising i have a problem at the end of last year and i just want to know what it is.
sometimes im not sure if my dreams are real or not, and i get so scared.
ive had suicidal thoughts.
i just enjoy feeling like s*** most of the time and i love pushing my most loved people away from me and seeing them get hurt.
i feel like a monster.
i have really really bad thoughts for people when im angry at them, and when im angry at them its my fault but i still like to blame it on them.
i enjoy being alone.
im so depressed and am losing interest in everything around me.
ill burst out crying for no reason and i just can't stop.
i don't know what's happening to me.
i thought maybe schizophrenia or schizoaffective dissorder
jyah jyah
Aug 6, 2010