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With So Many Things...

I wish there was just someone I could ask all these questions to. Someone who would at least try to answer me. Or console me when they couldn't.

I guess thats where 'help' comes in.... help to get better.... help to cope... help to just get through the day..

How should i act around people? what should i say? how do i do it? how do i interact?

how do you cope with rape? where do you start? what are you meant to think about when you are told to think about it? what was i meant to feel? is it normal not to feel anything but blinding pain? and not know why? how should feel towards him? where do i start the healing process? and how long is this supposed 'time' it takes to heal?

how should i look after my mum? what should i say to her? how do i console her? how can i stop her pain when i can barely contain mine?

how do i help my step dad? how do i stop him hurting? how do i let him know that when this illness finally takes him i will miss him more than he will ever know?

how do i get up in the morning when it hurts too much to move my legs? when my heart feels too heavy, when my lungs are too tight to take breath? how do i dress myself and check i look decent when a glance in the mirror sends me off the handle?

how do i get through the day? how do i sit in a lecture theatre full of 300 people when i cant bare to be around 20 people? how do i do all these presentations? how do i manage walking back and forth from lectures when I'm so tired from the insomnia and so hungry from the starving?

how do i learn not to purge? how can i sit there after Ive eaten, regardless of what it was, and think, this is OK? how do i not have to sprint to the toilet to purge myself of all this?

how do I control myself?

How do I get better?

Please help me.

Tesse Tesse 18-21, F 25 Responses Mar 22, 2008

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It may be hard for you to see, but your decision to ask for help in the first place is a HUGE step in the right direction. My dad ignored/self-medicated his PD all his life, and tried to pretend that he didn't need help. In fact, he refused help when we begged him to take it. He was too frightened of his own problems. <br />
<br />
I know it must be terribly difficult, and sometimes completely overwhelming, to face up to these hard questions. It's tough for everyone to confront their issues, but, as I witnessed growing up, I think it must be especially tough for anyone with a PD to do so. But you're doing it, and with grace and bravery to boot. I really admire that.

Booknerd- I think you are completely right. Its just hard to accept that when times get hard. That asking for help doesnt mean getting better overnight. It means fighting even harder against this, rather than accepting it.<br />
I just dont know where to start. How to heal.<br />
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Oh dear. I desperately wish I had something helpful to say. I'm afraid not many people will have answers for your hard questions, possibly because many of us struggle with similar issues, to a greater or lesser extent. Even if someone did have some answers, could you accept them, really and truly? You have a strong mind and an independent spirit. It seems to me that you likely could not be satisfied with someone else's solutions to your most personal problems. Maybe the best thing--the thing that will help you most--is to learn the answers for yourself, validating your own feelings and building your confidence along the way. Maybe other people can't give you answers, but I know there are lots and lots of people who can help you have the strength to find them yourself. Getting treated for a PD instead of depression seems like a great start. I've actually done a little reading about the newest approaches to PD therapy. From what I've gathered, many folks find it a lot more effective than their previous treatments. I certainly hope that will be true in your case! I send best wishes, warm thoughts, and lots of prayers your way as you work through everything. Wish I could be of some actual help...but I figured I could at least let you know I'm reading your stories and thinking about you. ((((((hugs))))))

Right on it darlin'<br />
<br />
hhttp://www.rasac.org.uk

I wish I could give you a simple answer. I think you're a wonderful person & feel lucky to know you. I hope you can get the help you need. Take care dear ^_^

thank you msp. <br />
ill have to see if i can find a british equivilent. i was given a phone number for them. been staring at it quite a while. still waiting till i cna phone it.

Start with YOU darlin'<br />
<br />
http://www.rainn.org<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
MSP<br />
<br />
<br />
Courage is like a muscle.<br />
We strengthen it with use.<br />
<br />
~ Ruth Gordon ~

if you know i am trying why are you telling me to try?<br />
i cant try any more. thats the point.<br />
im trying my best and i am crashing. compltely. im putting on a brave face, im pushing through it, and inside i am falling to bits

I know you are trying. The social services system you have there is in as bad shape we have here.<br />
<br />
I can only offer suggestions in areas I am familiar with.

Well im going in and getting help.<br />
im taking positive steps. <br />
you make it sound like i am not even trying. that i dont want help. i have asked for professional help. i have been ignored. i am now under a mental health group that focuses on poeple who have been ignored but the waiting list is so long.<br />
you make it sound so easy. like if i jsut tried id be fine.<br />
well im ******* trying and i cannot try any harder so i might as well say **** it.

No, I have not had those horrible things done to me. I know others that have and through professional help they have put that behind them. <br />
<br />
I have been a carer to one who has been abandoned, neglected, and suffered the trauma of child sexual assault.<br />
<br />
It takes a lot of effort to put it behind you, and it can be done, as my young friend has. After she hit rock bottom she spent six months in a drug and alcohol rehab centre.<br />
She is now a fine young lady if only 15.<br />
<br />
I do know what you are going through, but only have answers for part of it.

I cant stop thinking about it. I cant stop the flashbacks or the constant remembering. Have you been raped? Have you been a carer? Have you been abandoned and rejected? <br />
Please, tell me if you have, and tell me how you learn to forget.<br />
Debt isnt much of a problem. It sucks being poor but all my friends are in the same situation. its not that much of an issue.

You are strong, and resilient, to have come to where you are now. There is no doubt with that.<br />
<br />
You mention the past. Nothing can change that. By thinking about it you are still living it.<br />
<br />
Again, with debt. As long as you think about debt it will stay with you. Try to think about wealth instead, some form of income to overcome the debt.<br />
<br />
A brave face and confident outlook wont fix everything, it's a start in the right direction though. <br />
<br />
I think the first step for you is to determine what you want from life and prepare a plan to attain it.

To be more confident.<br />
How do I do that when I loathe myself? How do you learn to love yourself? give me some ideas here.... I hate every inch of myself....<br />
<br />
To be in control of your finances.<br />
Not that possible. Im £9,000 in debt. £8000 I never even saw, uni tuition and accomodation fees. £1000 on living. <br />
<br />
<br />
To eat to be healthy in body and mind.<br />
I feel stronger without food. Tell me how to sit down and eat and I will do it. I go with the will to do it. I try very hard. But its like my throat closes. Then I force something down and my stomach instantly rejects it, and my mind starts to panic.<br />
<br />
<br />
As for putting on a brave face. I spend my life doing that. Im that strong survivor to everyone else. I am pushing myself harder and harder to get better. I am getting up in the morning, keeping everything in order, looking after myelf (bar the eating) yet I am still falling apart.<br />
Putting a brave face on might change how people react to me, but thats not what i need. That wont change the past or my current situation. Putting a brave face on wont make my mum better, it wont change that i have been raped, it wont change any of that,<br />
Ive put a brave face on since i was twelve. Look where it got me. As much as I appreciate you trying to help I dont like the fact that you think a brave face and just being more confident will change evrything. I do appear confident and brave, outside of this place. And im sinking.

I read this story moments after it was written. I didn't have an answer then, I wanted to put some thought into it, which I have done at various times through the day.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Your mind is full of seemingly unconquerable problems and negativity.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Think about and concentrate on what you want out of life. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
What your thought process is about is the product of what you have been through. Try to change that to what you want to become. Here are some ideas:<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
To be more confident.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
To be in control of your finances.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
To eat to be healthy in body and mind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Keep these thoughts in your mind and I believe you will become that.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This is how it works (not that it matters - you may not know how a car works yet still drive one, or plan to)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Lets say I have a broken heart. I put on a sad face (or feeling) and say my heart is broken. All my friends feel sorry for me and make compassionate remarks like Oh, that's so sad. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
First of all the sadness is spreading like a flu strain. Secondly, at the end of the day, I still have a broken heart.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Now if I can change my attitude and put on a brave face the moment I get up in the morning I see the things I want, not what, or where I have been.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The people you meet will see that, and they will reflect that good positive attitude back at you.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I wish you well on that journey to your new destiny.

Who to turn to. My depressed mother, my alcoholic father, or my seriously ill step dad. My little brother who I have only seem once because i cant bear to see my dad to get to him, or any of my three sisters who died in the womb, at birth, and at 2 days old respectively.<br />
Who to call....<br />
ArmyWife, I get councelling and psychotherapy and loads of the other stuff. Ive just been put under the Personality Disorder Network who say the reason nothing has worked before is because its been aimed to treat depression not personality disorders. The ththerapeutic community should help with that.

thatsnotme, though I haave not dealt with the same stuff you've been dealing with, I have many times 'shut down'.<br />
I don't kno what kind of family support system you have but if you have some you NEED them NOW more than ever. I had my sis and my niece during my last BIG shutdown. even 2 people can help wonders! I feel I may be nearing another, myself. maybe it's in the air....

Are you getting counseling or anything? *hugs* xxx

thats exactly what its like.<br />
my mind says 'wtf, i cant do this again, too much too much too much'<br />
so it turns off<br />
but i know the pain is still there.<br />
i cannot describe it.<br />
a detached agony.

Don't worry bout me, I'll be okay - it's slunk off to bed now haha! <br />
<br />
I have felt like that at times but never for long periods. Is it something that is ongoing? Do you always feel this kind of way or does it come and go? <br />
<br />
Maybe your mind is shutting down your emotions as a coping mechanism, knowing you've already been through enough. The body works in strange ways. I know the hurt is still there and everything but perhaps you need to try and deak with one emotion at a time IDK. *hugs*<br />
<br />
Come and visit me and I can teach you how to scream LOL :) <br />
xoxoxoxo

i dont scream.<br />
i dont shout<br />
i dont cry<br />
i dont get angry<br />
i never feel enough to do those things. <br />
yet it hurts.<br />
is that posssible? to feel nothing so much, to be so empty, that it hurts? <br />
i cannot do any of those things.<br />
i am the good, quite, gentle girl.<br />
im sorry army. you dont need this right now. you have enough on your plate.

but what do you do when you dont feel? or all you feel is the awareness of what you should be feeling?<br />
and im not strong. im holding it together by these tiny strands that are snapping one by one and slowly im slipping. <br />
im being so stupid. nothings gone wrong and yet i can sink so low.<br />
i just dont know how to function. like ive lost my ability to be human. i am just existing. and its horrible. and i know its horrible. but it doesnt feel horrible. it feels empty. everything feels empty.<br />
dissociations never brought me this close before.

PS - it's okay to scream too - I do it ALOT! As for running, well run in this direction, I think we could both do with some company :) We could run together :)<br />
Or watch some chick flcks?!

*hugs* - I'm so sorry your feeling like this, I wish I had the answers I really do. <br />
<br />
I guess there is no "normal" way to feel about it all, you can only feel how you feel (if that makes sense)! Everyway you feel is "normal" and it's okay to feel the way you do. I think your such a strong person, stronger than even you know. I think I would have totally lost the plot by know if I had to deal with half the stuff you do. <br />
<br />
Try to take each day as it comes, and remember that it's okay to get down, it's okay to feel angry, hurt , resentful and every other emotion under the sun...... try and concentrate on getting you well, that has to be your priority - then focus on the rest of the stuff.<br />
<br />
I wish there was more I could say or do,<br />
<br />
Love you loads *hugs&kisses*

naturally?<br />
as in instinctively?<br />
because my instinct is to scream, turn and run and run and run until there is either no air left in my lungs or no people left around me.