With So Many Things...
I wish there was just someone I could ask all these questions to. Someone who would at least try to answer me. Or console me when they couldn't.
I guess thats where 'help' comes in.... help to get better.... help to cope... help to just get through the day..
How should i act around people? what should i say? how do i do it? how do i interact?
how do you cope with rape? where do you start? what are you meant to think about when you are told to think about it? what was i meant to feel? is it normal not to feel anything but blinding pain? and not know why? how should feel towards him? where do i start the healing process? and how long is this supposed 'time' it takes to heal?
how should i look after my mum? what should i say to her? how do i console her? how can i stop her pain when i can barely contain mine?
how do i help my step dad? how do i stop him hurting? how do i let him know that when this illness finally takes him i will miss him more than he will ever know?
how do i get up in the morning when it hurts too much to move my legs? when my heart feels too heavy, when my lungs are too tight to take breath? how do i dress myself and check i look decent when a glance in the mirror sends me off the handle?
how do i get through the day? how do i sit in a lecture theatre full of 300 people when i cant bare to be around 20 people? how do i do all these presentations? how do i manage walking back and forth from lectures when I'm so tired from the insomnia and so hungry from the starving?
how do i learn not to purge? how can i sit there after Ive eaten, regardless of what it was, and think, this is OK? how do i not have to sprint to the toilet to purge myself of all this?
how do I control myself?
How do I get better?
Please help me.