I Am Having Such A Rough Ride - Someone Please Help Me

20 months ago I was recovering from major spinal surgery and my old friend of 8 years came to visit and very quickly we fell madly deeply in love. With a deep spiritual connection. But then he became hell bent on knowing how many men I had slept with in the past, and said if he didn't like my answer he would leave me. I was desperate to be loved and so I lied. After about 6 months I had to tell him the truth because he just wouldn't accept my answer. It took him a few months after counselling on both parts, lots of talking and soul searching to get over it. but he loved me and he got over the lie. From the start though we had a wonderful deep connection, and could "feel" each other and knew what the other was thinking.
Since then he told his 3 children about me and 2 are fine but the middle one has treated him so so badly, she has been extremely abusive towards him.  One day we argued and along with the pressure of her treatment of him and to help his relationship with her, he left me and moved into a bedsit blaming me. During his time in the bedsit our love for each did not diminish and he realized he couldn't live with out me. He came back home to me, things were ok for a month or so and then i was diagnosed with cancer and i needed an operation to remove the tumor. We went on holiday to see his estranged mum (who he had not spoken to for 26 years!). Came back and in August I had the op It was touch and go until the middle of September. There has never been a more devoted man. Everyone saw his devotion, family patients, nurses all commented on how great he was.
2nd October was his daughter's birthday and he began freaking out because he wasn't allowed to her birthday, he was arguing with his mum making her apologise for the past, trying to talk to his daughter, work pressures and me. He was screaming and shouting at me then on a couple of occasions he broke down too.  In the end we argued over something silly and he said he didn't need me anymore. To this I responded with some pretty abusive emails. That was 3 weeks ago he never came home from work, for the first 3 days I called him but he wouldn't answer, a week later he came for his clothes, I sent him an apologetic email explaining the situation as I saw it he is still to reply to this.

I am completely heart broken, he is truely the love of my life, my soul mate, today we drove past each other he looks lost and just as miserable as me. We are both so unhappy.
I want him back but I do not know what to do. Can someone please advise me.
pjtheo pjtheo
46-50, F
4 Responses Oct 22, 2011

give christ your burden, he bears our loads and gives solutions.

I agree with pinkfish2... To a few degrees. True, I think you both need some time away from each other to figure out what you're doing, getting over the past, ect. and he probably was under too much stress. But the point of a relationship is that you are with each other, and have faith in both your abilities to see each other through. Your sickness was a testament to character, and I am very sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are doing better now. <br />
All in all, it just seems like he didn't want to occupy you with your issues so he kept to himself. Allow me to state from experience that this is a sure fire way to sabotage a relationship. When people go into themselves about certain big issues, even leaving the cap of toothpaste off will strike resentments. I can see his reasoning, because that's what I do, but there are other ways he could have gotten past such issues within himself. His whole ordeal with your "number" was a red flag to me, to be honest. What people can't seem to understand is that whoever we were yesterday is not who we are today. I can't remember who said it but, "You never step in the same river twice." you're never going to speak to the same exact person as yesterday. You will learn new things, discover new traits.... Fix a few flaws within yourself. Who cares what your number is? Why does he care? Does he have a problem with an experienced woman? <br />
Either way, conclusively, I think separation is a good thing for you both. Such a tumultuous relationship will provide the true guidance you need to make an informed decision. I hope things go better for you in the future.

Just wanted to pick up on something here, you stated that "To tell someone you've loved that you don't need them anymore is really hurtful, and i doubt that after him loving and caring for you, that he actually meant to say that" OR could it be you only heard what you wanted to hear. Look at the facts look at how devoted this man was for you look at how he sacrificed his life for you to look after you from dusk till dawn.He never gave up on you to get you through your illness and having said that i read through the lines that his previous relationship where he was let down brought up similarities ie he left one home not to be in another with similar parameters and im sure he didnt take too kindly to the horrible emails that you sent him! What maybe you should look at here is the focus on how he has let go of your past but it seems like you backstabbed him with his ex wifes past in the comments you made. Clearly you have not thought on how and what this man has actually done for you! He has stood by you, you mentioned he went councelling to forget your past to be with you and im sure after all that he never ever brought anything up ever again and to be blasted with such hurtful comments im sure he didnt take too kindly to and probably he thought why should i have to tolerte this and walked out. Could this not of been the case? or am i overlooking something. Maybe this man is not the right man for you what do the rest of your kids and family think of him?

Hugs.<br />
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It sounds like he was under too mush pressure and stress...and has gone through a lot, with pretty much everyone he's loved. You ( your illness), his mother, his children's mother and daughter. The last thing he needed was an argument and some abuse. It does seem like he made his choice in the heat of the moment, it's understandable that you've been through a lot with him too. <br />
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You've tried to contact him and he's not responded. I think he needs time to clear his mind, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel the same. He probably needs alone time for now,<br />
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To tell someone you've loved that you don't need them anymore is really hurtful, and i doubt that after him loving and caring for you, that he actually meant to say that.<br />
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I think you should do the same and take this time to clear your mind. Don't continue to think about it, try to stay positive.

It is so hard not to think about him but I am trying and I am trying to keep busy while living in hope.