I Am Trying To Solve My Problems...

I just can't pinpoint what I need to do. I wish my problems were more simple and easy to fix. I know my depression, SAD (seasonal affective disorder), procrastination and low-self-esteem are the main contributing factors to my issues like problems with authority, weight management/over-weight, problems with completing anything, not being as successful as I could/should be, problems with intimate relations/boyfriends, problems professionally, parenting problems and inconsistencies in parenting, not being able to fully enjoy life, not sticking with stuff, avoiding bad news and having to suffer the consequences of letting things go from bad to worse before I intervene, logically seeing the damage I'm doing to myself and others but feeling powerless to change it and/or not having the energy, discipline, willpower, and even desire to work toward positive change because I feel overwhelmed, like whatever I do will not change anything because I've failed so many times before and I am in a rut...

Every year I face this same dismal place in my life due to SAD and depression, its like a horrible roller-coaster that I can't exit off from. When I begin to feel better and start accompishing stuff, I fall right back in the hole and I have to fight to dig myself out- all that energy spent and time lost- I have nothing left for dreams, goals and accomplishments... I have to get off this roller-coaster and reclaim my life because I don't want to continue living like this!

I am trying to find solutions to my problems so once I get the main ones under control and get off this up-and-down roller coaster, I can begin to affect chnage in teh areas of my life like weight and finances and relationships... I can't affect those until I get off this tetter-totter of a life.

I just bought melatonin supplement which I hope will help with getting me off the unmanagable sleep cycle (I am a natural night owl living in a world that doesnot support such a life). I also bought a SAD therapy light box lamp which I hope will help me with my morning routine which in turn can help me with my job, being on time and less irritable in the am. I am also taking DL Phenylalanine to help with my depression, which I can positively say I believe works. I have been taking it over a year and it has been great! No major episodes so far- and I had bad, debilitating depressive episodes and no medical insurance which led me to seek out a supplement, and thank god I found it.

I am also on other supplements just for general health. I meditate and practice buddhism which is a wonderful and beautiful practice. I am hoping to add a consistent exercise program to my list as well as writing- I love to write and need to connect more with writing and less with tv... I am a self-professed tv addict! I also want to add strengthening my relationship with my son whom I feel I am losing to the street and drugs and he is the real impetus behind my need to change. I have to save him because I feel like I am the reason, because I wasn't strong enough to be the best parent he needed and I blame myself.

I have given up getting married and have mourned that but if I can be more financial independant and stable, I could have a good life. I have great friends and I could travel and write and learn and I would feel less lonely as I do now.

I need help and I hope the things I am putting into my life will help curb my main issues so I can begin to address and fix the other secondary and tertiary issues and get my life back before I hit 40. I have 3.5 years and I have a goal of one year to see significant change in my life... but I am beginning to feel the affects of SAD and so as I address that, hoping for positive results in a few weeks maybe I can achieve my overall goals and have a happy life like I know I deserve.

Thanks for reading.... I know its long and I kinda rambled but I needed to get it out.

Happy New Year!
Peace, Joy and Blessings to everyone!

aniave aniave
31-35, F
2 Responses Jan 4, 2012

thanks morning breeze... such kind words. i needed that inspiration! thanks

with the words i have just read, you are going to be just fine! You are right on it! you know what needs to be done plus i hear the determination in your words. now is the time for "patience", baby steps...no overwhelming yourself with instant change... it doesn't work like that. you fight a good fight, start looking at what is RIGHT in your life.... count those blessings... oh... and reread this story here over till ...i hope you will see what i just have. A strong, never give-up smart old soul!