Help, With Eveything In My Life, I Dont Know What to Do Anymore.

I know i need help, honestly i do. Im afrade to talk to my parents about how i feel and what i feel about others. All i want to do is be happy. Im always deppresed. And when im deppresed i over think things in my head and it makes me angry. So i hit myself. I know Im not going to knock the thoughts out of my but i do it anyway. Im going to spill it all out on the table here. From the begining. I was born into a alocalic family. I have 3 memorioes of when my parents were still togeather. My mom got my my stepfather after  her and my dad devorsed. My mom and my stepfather were both drunks and faught all the time, thoughing anything they can pick up, even dinner. I can remember many of nights i ate food off the flore. During that time some how i met my moms pot smoking buddy. Long story short he moleasted me on numerious time. I never tole my parents, to this day they still dont know. My dad got custy of my and my older brother for a year because he fould out my mom was really messing up. that was one of the best year of my life. Then my gandmother got lung cancer and my dad couldnt affored to take care of us and my grandmother. So we went back to my moms. She quit drinking but still smoked pot. she wasent with my stepfather anymore. she got with someone else and we moved to colorado. that was another great year of my life, i loved it there. but the man my mom was with was abusive and i never liked him much. they broke up and her and my stepfather got back togeather. He changed everthing in his life so he could be with my mom and my brothers, which one was his son. Things were good for a while. Then they started getting in fights again, not like it ust to be tho. no thoughing things or hitting each other, just hollering. I cant stand it when people rase the voice now, i have to leave the room or the house. During all this time we would see my dad during the summers, my brother and my cousin would beat me up everyday. My back is going to ****** by the time 35 40 tops. They put me on there sholders and slamed me on cement god knows how many times. I can garentie it was at least 20 times. Things got better as we got older. They stoped beating me up. things were good for afew years. Them my bestfriend finely talked me into smoking pot. I got unbeelivably stupid with it. I was smoking everyday before school.  My little brothers seen me like that, i cant belive i did that now. during this time my bestfriends mom and my mom got in a fight again, they were pot smokeing buddys to. My mom just found out i smoked pot. She didnt know i smoked before school. Well my bestfrineds mom called my stepdad one day and said me and her son smoke pot all the time and my mom gets me and my brother high. All of this is true. Well my stepfater asked me about it with my mom right there at the kitchin table. I lied to him as she stared me down. That had to live with. I cant tell him the truth now, he passed away in jan of 04 of cancer. I pray that he forgives me. But i cant belive now that i did that, he changed hes life around and gave me a decent life and i treated him like that. I still smoked pot after he passed on, then we had a drug dealer move in behind us. I was the delivery boy for my mom, my neabor and my frineds, i hated it. thats when i started to catch my head. I had to do that for over a year before i said **** it. I told my mom i didnt want to do it anymore.  We had the cops surch our house during that time, luckly they didnt find anything. Some one was looking over us. Well i quit smokeing pot. My dad ended up meeting someone that he evenchaly got marryed to. well she has a neace and a nephue that lived with her. I called her my stepsister now. But we ened up having a fling, we never went all the way tho. The next summer she told me she really loved me and i cant beging to exsplane how happy i was. Well later she tole me she was only thinking of someone else when she said she loved me. That hurt so bad. Im still in love with her and this was almost 3 years ago. She broght it up 2 times sence i moved up to my dads this year. I lied and told her when she said she was in love with that other person that ended it for me. She said she was confused at the time. But the reason i lied is because she was happy in the relachonship she was haveing at the time with someone another person. Even tho i didnt like this guy i respected her and wanted her to be happy and i know she didtn want to her how im madely in love with her. Well he ended up cheating on him and now she has moved on form that and just started taling to another guy. And hes a good guy, one of the few. But i live with everyday knowing i love her and she will never know. I feel like **** all the time. Im bearly ever happy or even relaxed. I want to know how to fix my life. I want to be happy even if its now with the girl i love, and i know me and her can never be togeather. My dad and her aunt would go nuts if they ever found out. Who can blam them. But i need to find a way to fix my life or to atleast try, im tired of all of this on my mind everyday of my life. I just want to be happy. How do i do that???

takeawildguess takeawildguess
18-21, M
1 Response Apr 22, 2007

o.k<br />
ihave a sulouton for, you but you have to promise to listen before you say NO, if you trust me you WILL be happy, i will help you as a freind, you have to promise me, that for one week you will do what i tell you, try it out , you never know till you try,<br />
if what i tell youi to do , dose not make you happier then i hope to<br />
die<br />
you must trust me, reply back to me here or on<br />
saying whether you agree or not<br />
from a friend, that can help you