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I Need A Miracle

Don't expect me to show any great stregnth in the near future. Because it just isn't there to use... gone just like my will, just like my hope. Blurred is the reflection that looks back at me in the mirror, you wouldn't even know that it was good old Jules. It all seems so hopeless and I have no where to turn. I know very well that I've done this to my self and I promise you that I never meant for it to go like this... I've out worn my welcome just about everywhere.... either that or, I wasn't welcome in the first place. I know that I ****** up royally in so many ways, and what gets me the most, is that I can't put my finger on why I chose the path I did... I walked it and didn't even realize what direction I was headed, even though there were signs the whole way telling me to turn the **** around!
What the hell was wrong with me? How the hell could I let my self destroy all chances of having a good life and how could I dishonor my self and my family and the man whom I love?
How could I compromise that which made me such an amazing woman only to deteriorate to what I am now.... alone with no light or hope for a new bright day... a failure and a disappointment to those that were kind enough to care for me?
What do I do now? I know that nobody needs to answer because nobody owes me a damn thing but if someone real enough to grasp the severity of my current position could share their thoughts, It would be much obliged, and if there is someone in the great big over populated world that can help me get through this I would forever be indebted to you, for you will be my families miracle.
For there are two amazing people who love me... who have given there endless unconditional love for me, and up to this point I have taken this for granted. They gave me everything they could and still do and I am not even their child by blood. They deserve to die with a warm heart and with not a shred of doubt clouding their minds. They live for me to be happy and to just be okay and I have indulged selfishly in pure ignorance and danced with the devil. I blatantly and foolishly disregarded what I was blessed with... They have deserve to have eternal peace and I will deserve to burn in the heat of hell if I single handedly ***** them of that! So please if there is a man or woman or greater being out there that can help me to find the strength to find the answers and the will to carry through.... please know that I am begging for your help! I have tried and failed to shake myself of this evil and failed. If there is a solution/answer/ miracle and If such a miracle blesses my family I will then be able to believe there is a god and as a child of god I will never... for the rest of my souls existence; doubt, disobey or forsake the lord. I pray that someone hears this.....I pray that METH hasn't got the best of me. I pray that I haven't wasted to much time and that the judgement in court is merciful....
Julesb804 Julesb804 26-30, F 1 Response Jan 16, 2013

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It's all within you Jules. Your the one you are looking for. Everyone is listening. What you search for is within yourself. You can overcome. It isn't over for you. It's the new start. Prove it. Prove it to others. Better yet, prove it to yourself. Rise above it. What you pray, seek, hope and need is you. You can Jules. Just do. There is no cant.