I Really, Really Do Not Know What To Do.

I know you are feeling for him, but is it right to keep deluding him that you take more than you give? If the chance exists that he kills himself after you tell him, it isn't your fault, even if it probably feels that way, but he did it himself, by his own free will.

Reading your story, I don't think you're a total *insertbadwordhere:)*. You're a person stuck in a bad situation. Just because you think it's not as extreme or dire as someone else's doesn't make it any less... important? Not sure if that's the right word but hopefully you see my point. So first off, don't go beating yourself up over that.

I know what it's like to be young, in love, feeling like there's only the one person who matters and gives you meaning. I understand what your boyfriend feels when you say how depressed he is. But what he's doing is wrong. He needs to see what he's doing both to himself and you. Unfortunately that's easier said than done...

My love and I were together for four years. Devoted to each other, both feeling like we'd be together forever. But we had so many issues, both ending up doing things that'd hurt the other. In the end the only thing we could do was go our separate ways, and though it tore me apart at the time, and even now still hurts, I've actually grown stronger from it.

I had similar issues to your boyfriend - depression, terrible self-esteem and high dependence levels on this one person. I cut off all other ties, etc etc, the result being a world built around her. Oops..

Fast-forwarding to the important part (sorry for this rant :), when it finally came to separating I felt... not so much heart-breaking & soul-destroying pain, more.. just a numbness. But basically, knowing that hey, life has to go on, I ended up doing things I'd previously ignored and shunned; picking up productive hobbies, reaching out to communities and receiving one hell'u'va shock - finding a group of people I could connect with, finding for the first time a group of friends who have made such a genuine difference. I echo your words now - on paper and in comparison to other people's success stories it doesn't sound like much at all, but you wouldn't believe the difference it's made to my life.

The point is, change is possible. It could however take a long time, a lotta'effort, and travelling many rough roads. But it is possible. It all comes down to having to make changes to your lifestyle, perspective and attitude. Now in my case, the changes that happened within to make my world a better place, the perspective changes, I'd been told for so long about. But with some things you can hear them over and over again but they'll never sink in, until one day something clicks inside of you. Until that day you're blind to it, but then everything becomes clear. Unfortunately that doesn't make your life any easier, because that part lies on him - *he* has make the change, but I just wanted to say that yes, miracles are possible.

Don't feel bad about being busy all the time. You're doing something productive, heck, you're building the foundations for your future! Nope, don't feel bad about doing that - keep walkin' that road :)

The bit about not feeling as much for him.. not quite sure what to say for that one. If you don't, you don't, you can't force your feelings. All I can suggest is that you maybe hint to him to slow down and stop rushing so far ahead. Both gotta be on the same page, y'know?

I hope that at least some of that helps. As I say, the best thing for him is opening up to new communities. It may not appeal to him right now but it really is something that'd both improve his way of thinking and lifestyle and take the weight off your shoulders.

Wish you the best of luck, hang in there and keep your head held high~