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I Really, Really Do Not Know What To Do.

I need help, but I don't know how to explain it. To many people, my problems are insignificant and quite trivial, I understand that, because I know some people that have been through so much more than me and have survived to tell the tale. But I really am stuck, and I really need help.

Okay.

I have a boyfriend. He is a really lovely person, who is kind and thoughtful. We've been going out for about two months now. I love him very much, but our relationship has so many problems. For a start, I am a real ***** to him. For instance, he always wants to meet up (he dropped out of sixth form so has a lot of free time) and I am constantly saying yes, then when it gets to the day, saying no, because I have lots to do. I am a busy person, with orchestra, violin practise, my A Levels and university things to sort out. This makes him really hurt, and makes me feel so awful. I can't seem to stop hurting him. Any normal guy would dump me, but he really loves me. And this is where the second problem comes in. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He's only 16 (a mature 16, so I'm not that much of a cougar), but he is so sure that I am who he wants to be with forever. As much as this sounds horrible, I am just not ready for this! We've been going out for 2 months and admittedly we are really close, but I am not ready to be that devoted to someone else. I have the rest of my life to lead, university and meeting new people. Now, maybe I should just break it off, if we clearly are not equal? But this is the third problem, he seriously scares me. Not because he is abusive, no. He is really, really insecure. He hardly ever believes that I find him attractive, or that I love him, and so I constantly have to say, yes, I love you, yes, I find you attractive and I want you. He self harms, and tells me that I am the only thing in his life that is worth living for. He has thousands of sleeping pills in his room, and he so often says that there is no point being alive, or that everything would be so much better if he didn't exist. He believes that he won't live past 21, and he honestly thinks that he won't achieve anything. He has no money, wants no job, spends his only money on weed, and fears he will end up living on the dole. I fear that if I break it off with him, I would either damage him irreparably, or kill him. He is such a nice person and I REALLY hate hurting him, but it doesn't seem fair on him that I'm not as in love with him as he is with me. That I'm constantly taking from him and he's constantly giving.
I'm not sure if anyone will read this long passage, but I really don't know what to do. I'm hoping for a miraculous miracle, someone or something with a magic wand to wave over this mess and fix it, so no one is hurt. I don't think that will happen, but any words of help, even if you agree with me and think I am a total ***** who really deserves nothing at all, would be lovely, and I'd appreciate them.
IamcalledS IamcalledS 18-21, F 2 Responses Feb 15, 2013

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I know you are feeling for him, but is it right to keep deluding him that you take more than you give? If the chance exists that he kills himself after you tell him, it isn't your fault, even if it probably feels that way, but he did it himself, by his own free will.

It's a bit of a messed up situation, and since writing this story I've broken up with him twice, but now I am staying with him...even though it's wrong and eventually I'll hurt him even more, when I go off to university. It isn't right to keep deluding him, I know it isn't, and I have told him that, but he...I don't know. He seems to want to be with me even though I'm like that :/ It sucks *sighs*

Sounds like he's desperate and clingy, guys like that can be quite dangerous... It seems like you are the only thing that exists in his world. That's so wrong... It's nice that he loves you and all but it sounds more like an obsession. Besides, you should also think about yourself, you clearly don't like it so it's wrong to stay with him, you should also think about your own life.

Reading your story, I don't think you're a total *insertbadwordhere:)*. You're a person stuck in a bad situation. Just because you think it's not as extreme or dire as someone else's doesn't make it any less... important? Not sure if that's the right word but hopefully you see my point. So first off, don't go beating yourself up over that. I know what it's like to be young, in love, feeling like there's only the one person who matters and gives you meaning. I understand what your boyfriend feels when you say how depressed he is. But what he's doing is wrong. He needs to see what he's doing both to himself and you. Unfortunately that's easier said than done... My love and I were together for four years. Devoted to each other, both feeling like we'd be together forever. But we had so many issues, both ending up doing things that'd hurt the other. In the end the only thing we could do was go our separate ways, and though it tore me apart at the time, and even now still hurts, I've actually grown stronger from it.I had similar issues to your boyfriend - depression, terrible self-esteem and high dependence levels on this one person. I cut off all other ties, etc etc, the result being a world built around her. Oops.. Fast-forwarding to the important part (sorry for this rant :), when it finally came to separating I felt... not so much heart-breaking & soul-destroying pain, more.. just a numbness. But basically, knowing that hey, life has to go on, I ended up doing things I'd previously ignored and shunned; picking up productive hobbies, reaching out to communities and receiving one hell'u'va shock - finding a group of people I could connect with, finding for the first time a group of friends who have made such a genuine difference. I echo your words now - on paper and in comparison to other people's success stories it doesn't sound like much at all, but you wouldn't believe the difference it's made to my life. The point is, change is possible. It could however take a long time, a lotta'effort, and travelling many rough roads. But it is possible. It all comes down to having to make changes to your lifestyle, perspective and attitude. Now in my case, the changes that happened within to make my world a better place, the perspective changes, I'd been told for so long about. But with some things you can hear them over and over again but they'll never sink in, until one day something clicks inside of you. Until that day you're blind to it, but then everything becomes clear. Unfortunately that doesn't make your life any easier, because that part lies on him - *he* has make the change, but I just wanted to say that yes, miracles are possible. Don't feel bad about being busy all the time. You're doing something productive, heck, you're building the foundations for your future! Nope, don't feel bad about doing that - keep walkin' that road :) The bit about not feeling as much for him.. not quite sure what to say for that one. If you don't, you don't, you can't force your feelings. All I can suggest is that you maybe hint to him to slow down and stop rushing so far ahead. Both gotta be on the same page, y'know? I hope that at least some of that helps. As I say, the best thing for him is opening up to new communities. It may not appeal to him right now but it really is something that'd both improve his way of thinking and lifestyle and take the weight off your shoulders. Wish you the best of luck, hang in there and keep your head held high~

Thank you so much for that comment, it really means a lot to me for someone to actually bother to reply :) thank you for sharing your story with me too, it really helps to know I'm/we're not alone.
I can't think what to reply, apart from *hugs* and a massive thank you for helping me :') I'm glad you are stronger from your 'experience' (sorry, don't know what else to call it) and I wish you the very, very bestest, you've made me feel better about myself now and I feel just that little bit stronger. I will hang in there, because, well, I want to :3
I've said thank you far too many times already, but thanks again : ) x

You're very very welcome :) I just wish I could help out more and give some 'proper' advice. Again, unfortunately much of the change and work needs to come from him.

But, it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Keep focused on the good things in life - playing the violin, your photography, sorting out uni stuffs, there're plenty of things to carry on smiling about. I've learnt to never devote more time to the things that hold us back than we have to, otherwise we'll never get anywhere.

It is very 'proper' advice, I really appreciate it!

I guess my problems were kind of made worse because I'm naturally a happy optimistic person, and when things go wrong, they seem much worse than they actually are :/ but it'sall good :)