Please Help Me I Need Some Answers And Help!!

 


I MET A GUY ONLINE BACK IN NOV. SO IT HAS BEEN 4 MONTHS NOW. HE IS DEPLOYED IN IRAQ IN THE ARMY. IT HAS BEEN THE GREATEST 4 MONTHS OF MY LIFE BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE THAT I HAVE NEVER MET FACE TO FACE. I HAVE JSUT ALWAYS FELT THAT HE IS THE ONE, I FINALLY FOUND THE MAN I HAVE BEEN ASKING GOD TO SEND ME, AND HE ALSO TOLD ME YES HE WAS THE ONE. HE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL, CARING, NON JUDGEMENTAL, UNDERSTANDING GUY I HAVE PROBABLY EVER MET. WHEN WE FIRAT MET HE SAID HE WAS GETTING OUT WITHIN A YEAR SO HE WAS LOOKING TO MEET SOMEONE AND BUILD A RELATIONSHIP ONLINE SO WHEN HE GOT HERE IT WAS ALREASDY IN THE WORKS. WELL IT HAS BEEN SUCH A GREAT WAY TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL WITHOUT ANY CONTACT. SO ALL THIS TIME HAS PASSED MANY CARDS, EMAILS, TALKED ONLINE, AND WEBCAM PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY SINCE WE MET. HE IS GOING TO BE GETTING HIS 2 WEEK LEAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF MARCH AND WE HAVE BOTH BEEN EXTATIC COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TO BE TOGETHER. PLANNING WHAT WERE GONNA DO AND ALL THAT. I HAVE BEEN PREPARING FOR HIM TO STAY WITH ME FIXED MY PLACE UP SO HE WOULD FEEL AT HOME WHILE HE IS HERE AND ALSO BUYING NEW CUTE THINGS TO WEAR FOR HIM WHEN WE GO OUT. NOW THIS IS MY PROBLEM. I CAUGHT HERPES 9 YEARS AGO FROM A BOYFRIEND OF 5 YEARS WHO I THOUGHT LOVED ME AND CHEATED ON ME AND GAVE IT TO ME. WELL I KNEW ONE DAY I WOULD MEET THE RIGHT PERSON AND HAVE TO TELL HIM, WHICH WOULD BE THE HARDEST THING I WOULD EVER HAVE TO DO BECAUSE THE FEAR OF LOOSING HIM. SO FOR WEEKS NOW I HAVE BEEN IN SUCH A DEPRESSION WONDERING SHOULD I TELL HIM OR NOT, BUT I NEW WHAT THE RIGHT THIS WAS TO DO. I DIDNT WANT TO WAIT TELL HE GOT HERE OR EVEN TELL HIM IN AN EMAIL IN PERSON WOULD OF BEEN THE MOST APPROPRIATE. BUT HIM BEING WHERE HE IS AT I FINALLY SEND HIM AN EMAIL. THE SCARIEST, MOST STRESSFUL THING EVER. I EXPLAINED IT WASNT MY FAULT AND I NEW I COULDNT LIE TO HIM BECAUSE I CARED FOR HIM TO MUCH. EVEN TOLD HIM IN THE EMAIL THAT I HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HIM, WHICH I WASNT GONNA TELL HIM TELL HE GOT HERE. SO A COULPE DAYS LATER I HEARD FROM HIM AND HE SAID HE WASNT MAD AND WAS NOT GONNA RUN, HE JUST HAD QUESTIONS AND I EXPLAINED AND EDUCATED HIM ON IT AND LET HIM KNOW I HAVE BEEN ON MEDS FOR 9 YEARS AND ONLY HAD A PROBLEM ONE TIME. HE WAS OK, AND SAID EVERYTHING WAS THE SAME NOTHING WOULD CHANGE AND PROMISED THAT. ALSO SAID THAT EVERYTHING WE TALKED ABOUT DOING IN THE BEDROOM WAS NOT GONNA CHANGE. SO WE TALKED A COUPLE DAYS LATER AND I WAS STILL STRESSED OUT ABOUT IT AND STUPID ME TOLD HIM THAT AND HE SAID THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THAT, AND THAT HE HADNT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT SINCE WE TALKED ABOUT IT 2 DAYS AGO. IN MY HEAD I WAS LIKE DAM I OPENED ANOTHER DOOR WHICH I SHOULDNT OF. AS THE WEEK WENT ON WE GOT ONLINE AND CHATTED BUT I NOTICED HE WAS BEING VERY SHORT WITH ME THE CONVERSATIONS WERE NOT THE SAME. IT COULD OF BEEN ME AND MY STRESS BUT I DONT KNOW. AND I KNOW HE WAS TRYING TO GET ALL HIS SCHOOL WORK DONE ONLINE SO HE DIDNT HAVE TO DO IT WHILE HE WAS HERE, SO WE WERE ONLINE SMALL TALK AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN HE JUST STOPPED WRITING BACK. I TRIED AND TRIED AND NO RESPONCE. SO FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS HE WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME WONT ANSWER MY EMAILS OR WONT TALK BACK TO ME ON INSTANT MESSAGE. WEIRD THING IS IF HE DIDNT WANT ME WRITUNG HIM WHY HASNT HE BLOCKED ME OUT OF INSTANT MESSAGE. I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED AND NOTHING, NOT ONE WORD. IM DEVASTATED NEVER FELT SUCH HURT IN MY LIFE I CRY ALL DAY EVERYDAY CANT EAT OR SLEEP AND HAVE GONE INTO A DEEP DEPRESSION. THE THING THAT HURTS THE MOST IS HIS SILENCE. ITS NOT THE WAY I EVER EXPECTED TO ACT IN A MILLION YEARS. SO I HAVE NO CLOSURE. WELL A COUPLE DAYS AGO I WROTE ON MY UPDATES ON INSTANT MESSAGE SAYING"U COULD LOOSE YOUR LEG, ARM, EYESITE, OR EVEN YOUR MIND AND I WOULD OF STILL BEEN THERE FOR YOU". WELL RIGHT AFTER HE PUT A LINK ON HIS SAYING IN BIG WRITING READ SO I CLICKED ON THE LINK AND IT WAS ABOUT A GUY THAT TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE IN ARAQ CAUSE HIS WIFE WAS GONNA LEAVE HIM AND THE ARTICLE TALED ABOUT HOW RELATIONSHIPS ARE CAUSING ALL THESE SUICIDES THAT ARE GOING ON. MADE ME THING ALOT AND I NEW THAT WAS MEANT TOWARDS ME TO READ. SO THEN I FELT REALLY GUILTY AND SELFISH LIKE MAYBE I PUSED HIM IN SOME WAY OR I WAS ONLY THINKING ABOUT MYSELF, WHICH I TRIED TO SUPPORT HIM AS MUCH AS I COULD AND NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE ANYTHING. WE ALL DONT KNOW WHAT GOES ON OVER THERE IN COMBAT AND THE CLEAR MINDS THEY MUST HAVE TO PROTECT THEIR OWN LIVES. HE NEVER TALKED ABOUT ANYTHING THAT GOES ON SO I JUST DONT NO. AND THERE HAS BEEN ALOT LATELY GOING ON OVER THERE SO MAYBE HE GOT SCARED AND JUST HAD TO PUSH ME AWAY AND FOCUS, BUT HE COULD OF AT LEAST SAID THAT. AND I WOULD OF GIVEN HIM THE TIME HE NEEDED. WELL HE COMING WITHIN A WEEK AND I HAVE SUCH HOPE IN MY MIND THAT HE WILL SHOW UP OR CALL ME AND WANT TO MEET ME AND TALK. BUT I DONT KNOW IF IM JUST IN A DREAM WORLD. I NEED SOME ADVICE PLEASE. OH YEAH I CAN COME UP WITH SO MANY THINGS IN MY MIND BUT I DONT KNOW IF ITS THE HERPES THING OR ITS SOMETHING ELSE. COULD HE OF JUST PLAYED ME FOR 4 MONTHS AND BUTTERED ME UP FOR NOTHING IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENCE.
kikid73 kikid73
36-40, F
Mar 15, 2010