Dead End

From early childhood until college I had a fairly normal life.  After I graduated I had a good entry level job in my chosen field (psychology major, worked with adolescents).  Then I met "him". I got married quit my job because he wanted me to, didn't get a new one because he wanted me to stay home and work for him.  Surprise Surprise, I ended up in a loveless marriage, married to an emotionally abusive man.  Used me up emotionally and tossed me to the curb 3.5 years ago.  I was married for 9 years and the first 3 or so weren't bad, but after that it became apparent that I was stuck, he had somehow alienated me from friends and family so I was stuck with only him. 

3.5 years ago I was kicked out of my home.  I was lucky and family took me in but in reality I was homeless.  No job, no friends, sketchy relationship with my family.  It took a year to get the divorce final (he didn't expect me to fight).  He was required to do certain things in the divorce, which of course he did not do.  SO, had to take him back to court.  Over 2 years of fighting later I finally had to quit the fighting.  He has fled the country, defaulted on loans, let the house go into foreclosure.  I am now receiving collection calls daily.  I've had to go through debt consolidation and even that might not be the answer because I am not even sure with my paltry salary I can afford to pay the monthly fee on.  

I have been getting my masters degree the past 2 years but with the economy the way it is no one is hiring anyone who has experience and I can't afford to take a job at entry level pay.  I do work but would like to get a new job to use my degree.  

For the past 3 years (and longer if you count the bad years of my marriage), I have been utterly alone.  Years of abuse have left me untrusting of others.  I have been in therapy for this but it is still difficult.  Deep down I just feel that anyone that would be interested in being with me would be a person who wants nothing more than to have someone to treat like crap.  I've never been in a relationship with another person where I was not treated like a second class citizen.  Therapy has helped though.  I am ready to make that leap and try and trust another person but everywhere I turn I see happy couples.  Single men do not exist I am pretty sure.  If they do exist I don't know where to find them nor am I entirely sure that they would be looking for me. 

I feel stuck.  I have goals but it seems like every time I work hard to achieve those goals I am met with a giant wall that I can't get around or knock down.   
Obsidyan22 Obsidyan22
36-40, F
2 Responses May 9, 2011

Ladies, you are fabulous and gorgeous. You've got this far. You are survivors and you are stronger than you think. Have I been where you are? Oh yes! Did I face all the bad stuff and a miracle happened to change anything? No. But what can be done is to look at the tiny things that make you happy and feel good and focus on those. That's what's got me through. It doesn't matter if it's a lovely piece of music, a smile from a stranger, the sight of some beautiful flowers, just notice the good feeling you get even if it's fleeting. What happens - and I promise you this - is that each time you focus on something that makes you feel good, it's like you are putting in a "happy dolars" in the bank. First it's one, then two, then perhaps four .....and before you know it - if you will allow yourself to feel it - you'll have a whole bunch of happiness right there for you. You have to want to feel happy. You have to recognise that when you don't feel happy (for whatever reason) you haven't emptied the bank account, you've simply not made a deposit that day. When you can, start focusing on the next good thing and you'll be happier in next to no time.<br />
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Life is good and you are deserving of good things. There is nothing and no one on the outside of you that can take away or diminish your worthiness.....there simply isn't anyone powerful enough to do that!

My life reads much like yours.<br />
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I can't imagine my life before I met him... and how it turned from this. The first half was okay... the second have bearable... and in an instant i lost my job, business, home, life... and i haven't recovered since.<br />
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not because of him... i'm over him... it was a combination of economic factors... the fact that i gave up my career and can't get one back.... i have claimed bankruptcy once, and today i will give up my vehicle... knowing that i have to claim bankruptcy again.<br />
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it's unbearable.<br />
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i wish you with all my heart, the ability to stay strong. cause i don't know how to do it myself.